Hurt
by Mrstrentreznor
Summary: MA AU. What if Sam's wolf didn't like Emily? What if the wolf had attacked her, just after they imprinted, in an attempt to make her go away? What if an imprint abused the imprint bonds and ordered the wolf around? What if the man was forced to go along with it all?
1. He's gone

**1. He's gone**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

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><p>Sam Uley stood looking down at the remnant of the girl he held cradled in his arms.<p>

Her skin was so pale it was like alabaster. Her long dark eyelashes curled over her cheeks. She was so little and so… broken.

She was cold and wet. She shivered as he tucked her in protectively against his naked chest. For once he was thankful for his extreme body warmth. He had nothing else to wrap her in. Nothing else to offer her.

He had found her with her face in a puddle.

"Have you been hurt?" he asked her because she looked shattered.

He tried to help her up but she couldn't move, so he had scooped her up off the ground. She felt light in his arms. No effort at all to carry her. He ran at an easy, loping pace through the forest. He had run quite a way before he realised he was carrying her towards _his_ home; not towards her own. He had stopped, frozen by the implications.

"He's gone," she said; her voice cracked and straining with the effort to speak. It was as if she was literally hanging by a thread. Maybe his stopping had got through to her.

And like a dam leaking, once she had said that, that was all she said. Over and over. As if she was trying to convince herself of the reality of it.

Sam didn't need to be told which 'he' it was. Edward Cullen and his whole family were gone. He couldn't be happier for the Quileute people. The last thing they needed was a coven of vampires camped on their doorstep. They were going to light celebratory bonfires on the cliffs when they heard they had left. He was going to pray to all the gods that they never came back and that more boys on the rez did not become like him.

But his heart hurt for this slip of a girl. He had told her his name. He wanted her to know his name; to know who her rescuer was.

But he should not be taking her to his house. He hugged her closer to his body; pressed his lips to her frozen forehead and turned to head for** her **home.

Bella was aware that she had been found. He had introduced himself; he had said Charlie had sent him. She should have been upset to be held in the arms of a half naked stranger; but she wasn't. She was warm for the first time in hours. She should have objected to his warm, dry lips being pressed against her forehead, but she didn't.

He shifted her in his arms and he ran again.

She heard the babble of many male voices. Sam slowed his pace as they approached. He actually seemed to hesitate to carry her into that.

"I've got her," he announced. His voice deep and booming. She heard it through his chest.

Other people spoke, but all she could hear was Sam. Her ear pressed against the warm skin of his naked chest. He was all that made sense.

She heard Charlie's voice "Charlie?" she spoke. Her voice sounded strange and small to her. She had forgotten to call him Dad.

She heard Sam again. "Maybe I should hold onto her," he suggested.

Oh please do, she wanted to say. Please keep holding me. But she couldn't speak. Sam shifted her in his arms again and now she smelt her father's leather jacket. He staggered a little under her weight. Sam had carried her so easily. Effortlessly.

She could see him hovering. He looked worried that Charlie would drop her. He ran ahead to open the front door for them. He held the door open and she watched him as Charlie carried her through. Charlie was tall but Sam had another half a head on him. Her tall, dark, rescuer. He stood, one arm extended as if he was preparing to catch her when Charlie's arms failed; catch her when she fell.

That would be nice. Someone to catch her when she fell. She fell all the time.

"Blankets are in the cupboard at the top of the stairs," Charlie told him and he hurried to get them. He handed them to Charlie when he got back and then he stood with two other, slightly smaller replicas of him in the corner of the room.

Charlie and Dr Gerandy were having a discussion, but she wasn't listening that closely. She closed her eyes. She could hear whispers about the Cullens leaving town. She could hear as Charlie whispered his thanks to the team of volunteers. As each left, the house got quieter.

She felt a very warm hand on her face and then she felt the weight of another blanket as it was gently laid on top of her. Warm, strong hands tucked it in around her. The same warm fingers brushed her face and then he was gone.

"He's gone," she muttered.

FF_2154210_ - 22/09/2011 03:24:00 PM


	2. I hurt myself today

**2. I hurt myself today**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

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><p>Sam Uley was hurting. It was becoming a normal state of affairs for him.<p>

It was all he seemed able to do well right now; hurt people. Hurt himself. A world of hurt.

He thought the only thing he had done recently that was not damaging to anyone, was find Bella Swan when she was lost in the forest.

But in a weird way, doing that had hurt **him** even more.

He had saved her and damned himself.

He had become interested in her; the lost girl. Well not him, technically; his wolf had.

He was the Alpha, he was an imprinted man. He had broken the heart of his girlfriend Leah, when he had imprinted on Emily.

His life was a complete mess and it wasn't getting any better.

He had actually said it. "Jeez I don't think my life could get any worse."

And then it **had**. He should have known better than to say shit like that out loud.

He had been called out one night by Billy Black and Harry Clearwater to put his newly acquired wolf pack and its skills into positive action. Charlie's daughter was missing in the forest. The three of them had been eager to help; him, Paul and Jared.

He had found Bella, not the others. Curled up with her face in a puddle. Shivering and in the early stages of hypothermia. His wolf had snuffled over her; nose twitching at the still clinging scent of vampire. Sickly sweet as always.

But the girl. The lost, sad, broken little girl. His wolf had pushed at her with his black nose; wanting a reaction. She had looked at him, bleary eyed and half frozen.

The wolf wanted her to see him and Sam didn't know why. He wondered sometimes if she remembered the black wolf. He was probably a feature in her nightmares. He was a creature of nightmares after all; a gigantic supernatural creature of awesome strength.

The wolf couldn't carry her, so he had phased back and put his shorts on.

And **he** had carried her.

He had held her in his arms and she had fitted in there as if she was made for them. He had found himself kissing her forehead. And he had tried to carry her to his home, not to hers, where her father and the others were waiting for her.

He had _not_ wanted to hand her almost unconscious body over to her own father.

What the fuck was all that about? How could he have taken her to his house? With his imprint there?

He thought about it for weeks afterwards. Alone and human, he thought about it. Couldn't risk doing it phased, in case the others picked up something. Finding her curled up like that haunted his dreams and the other wolves knew it. He tried not to, but he kept letting it slip when he was phased.

And he didn't know why, but he thought somehow the wolf was influencing the man.

He had enough other shit to deal with. He had Emily.

He had never taken much notice of Emily Young when he was dating Leah. Heck, he had Leah Clearwater, why the fuck would he waste his time looking at Emily? But then he had embraced his heritage. Ha! That's what old Quil had told him it was, at any rate.

He was happy dating Leah. He had actually allowed himself to be happy and then… whammo! He's a wolf. He wasn't allowed to tell Leah or even his own mother anything about it and that caused some problems. Secrets and lies poison so much.

And then … double whammo! Imprinting. Nice of them to warn him. If he had known the possibility existed, he would have dumped Leah earlier. For her own good. The last thing he had ever wanted to do was hurt her any more. She was leery enough after he had disappeared.

And it all went to shit. Imprint.

He had argued.

Imprinting was wrong. It was weird. Nobody falls in love at first sight like that. And it wasn't even really 'love'.

He knew what real love felt like and it wasn't like this. This felt peculiar and artificial somehow. It was like he had been hypnotised to quack like a duck when someone clapped or something. He didn't know **why** he was doing it. And neither did his wolf. It was like some third level of him and fuck knows he had enough shit going on in his body as it was, without having to obey some outside command from the gods.

But he couldn't stop himself.

It was like the other pack members, when he gave them an alpha order. They might disagree. They might think it was stupid but they **still** had to do it. That was what imprinted love felt like.

An automatic reaction.

And he had to obey his imprint. She was the hypnotist who made him quack.

It didn't make sense to him.

He didn't know what would happen if his alpha status came into conflict with his imprint. If the tribe was under attack and his imprint told him to stay and hold her hand… what would he do? He honestly didn't know. He just prayed that would never happen.

He hated it.

He worked hard at stretching out the imprint thread. That was how he saw it. Like a gigantic piece of elastic. Maybe if he kept pulling at it; picking at it; maybe one day it would go saggy and lose its strength like the elastic in your underwear that had got too old; one day it would extend and not recoil. It would crack and go limp and fall apart. Or unravel like some old knitted item and leave a tangled pile of crinkled thread. He hoped that eventually it _wouldn't_ do what it was supposed to do.

Because it bound him to someone.

And he **hated** it.

It was a hopeless plan, as plans went but it was the only one he had.

He couldn't ask the Elders how you broke an imprint; they all thought it was the best thing that had ever happened to him. It was all, 'he was so lucky'… yeah like they knew how he felt? He didn't think so. Unless he had some really good argument against it.

None of _them_ had ever imprinted. None of them had ever even phased.

And how did **that** make sense? If imprinting was supposed to make stronger wolves, then surely imprinting should still exist even if there wasn't a pack. If it was supposed to make sure that the right people had children together and made stronger wolves. Then it should happen all the time, so that the best wolves existed when the time came and they **were** needed.

But it didn't happen. Imprinting wasn't a Quileute thing; it was just a wolf thing. And that didn't make sense either.

And did they have secret journals? Or an idiots guide to being a shape shifter? No. Nothing. No help there from the Elders either. Or their ancestors. You would think at least one would have written this shit down.

All they had were a few songs and stories that ninety percent of the tribe thought were just that; stories. The Legends; and you had better say that with a capital L. It was like that children's game Chinese whispers where the first person said something and repeated it to another and by the time it made it all the way around the circle, or down through the generations, it wasn't anything like the original message.

The Elder's own arguments were shit. They didn't know a damn thing. They weren't wolves and they didn't understand. They had no concept of what it was like to share your mind and your body with an animal. An animal that sometimes you didn't understand.

He thought that sometimes the wolf felt the same way. What was **it** doing, sharing its body with a man? A man that sometimes it didn't understand.

And what about what the wolf wanted?

Anything they discovered about being a wolf came the hard way. It was all him. Sam Uley; trail blazer. Christ, no one had even taught him how to phase back to human. Or known what the hell had happened to him. Two weeks he spent hidden in the forest, thinking he was losing his mind and going insane. Two weeks before he somehow phased back to human asleep. Woke up naked and lost and miles from home. It was a fucking, honest to god nightmare.

No wonder he felt so sympathetic to Bella Swan; he had been lost in the woods as well.

And as far as he was concerned, imprinting was just another nightmare. They told him the imprinter can be whatever the imprint wants. That was how old Quil had explained it to him, when he went to him to ask what the fuck had just happened. He didn't use those words. Old Quil was not above smacking you in the head with his walking stick if you swore or were disrespectful.

Old Quil used a lot of comforting words and phrases like 'she's your other half' and muttered on about 'soul mates' and breeding better wolves.

So he had tried that. He had told Emily that he had imprinted on her. And he had explained to Emily how he could be whatever she wanted. He was a big proponent of honesty. You know, I could be your friend, your brother etcetera. It hadn't taken her long to work out that he **had** to do what she wanted. There was no 'could' about it.

Yeah right.

He had never known how much Emily resented her cousin and her alleged best friend. Truthfully poor Leah had no idea what kind of viper her 'best' friend was. And he couldn't tell her, Emily wouldn't allow it.

So when Leah's man came to her and explained that he had imprinted on her, she grabbed him, literally, with both hands.

He was horrified.

He had run away. But the fucking imprint had worked its 'magic' on him. She had gone back to the Makah rez at Neah Bay and he had lasted two whole days before he showed up on her doorstep. He knew exactly where she was. He could track her like a homing beacon. He felt like Wyle E. Coyote with a giant rubber band. He pinged back to her. Generally via a massive boulder or something else that would inflict maximum damage on his furry carcass.

And she had welcomed him back with open arms and open legs.

But it had not gone well. His wolf had decided that **he** didn't like her. He liked Leah and he knew that Leah made Sam happy. The wolf didn't understand what they were doing. Sam was usually strong enough to keep the wolf under control. The two weeks he had spent continuously phased before he remembered how to be human, had given him a rare insight into the mind of the wolf. He was pretty damn simple really: food, water, shelter, hunting and a mate. That was the 'to do' list for the wolf.

Sam; human Sam, broke up with Leah. And his wolf did not approve. He didn't understand his human reasoning of hurting her now to save really hurting her later. He had left Neah Bay, gone back to La Push and Emily wasn't around. But Sam just knew she'd be back; there was **no way **she was letting him slip out of it that easily.

And she was. The next time Emily came to **him**. She arrived on his doorstop and announced that she was moving into his house. She actually had her fucking bags packed. She knew if it was what **she** wanted, that he could not say 'no'. The wolf snarled at her, but Sam beat him down. They had to be smarter than that.

The first week, she made some snarky comment about Leah and he lost his temper. Told her off for being nasty to her cousin and her supposed friend. And the wolf pressed what he saw as an advantage. While human Sam was distracted, the wolf tried to tear Emily's head off.

It was very simple to the wolf; he didn't like her and she made Sam sad. She had to go.

And human Sam was so horrified by what he, or they, or what the fuck ever, had done, that he couldn't phase back and he couldn't help her. All he could see was his own clawed hand reaching out to her face. Thank fuck, Jared was phased at the time and he picked up something of what had happened from Sam's panicked broadcast. Jared called Sue Clearwater and she came and got Emily to the hospital.

Charlie Swan, as sheriff came to investigate. And Sue told him that Emily had been attacked by a bear. It fucking looked like it.

He calmed himself **and** his wolf down and could finally phase back. He got himself home, cleaned up the blood with bleach and then he sat in the bottom of the shower and he cried.

He tried to stay away from her. Sue sympathised. Even though he had broken the heart of her only daughter, she could see how upset Sam was. She thought that he had harmed his imprint and **that** was what he was upset about. Truth was, he would be happy to stay away from her forever. But then she had, of course, told Sue that she wanted to see him and he HAD to go. His imprint had insisted.

He nearly died when they told him she would be scarred for life. Her face, her arm and she had lost the tip of her little finger too. A permanent reminder of his fuckup. He damn near beat the wolf into submission. It was stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Because the damn wolf had jumped the gun, now they were stuck with her.

FF_2154210_ - 22/09/2011 03:24:00 PM


	3. To see if I still feel

**3. To see if I still feel**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

_**[AN: I have not written the responses from Sam's wolf but I think you guys are clever enough to work out what he is saying… just fill in the gaps]**_

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><p>Patrol.<p>

Sam's black paws slammed into the earth like large dinner plates.

Black.

Was it appropriate? Was that the perfect colour for him?

Black. Not a colour it was said; it was a tone. Was that Monet or one of those impressionist painters that had said that? He couldn't remember.

Black, blacker, blackest. Black heart, blackguard…

_Jared: Jeez Sam is this jeopardy? Dictionary meanings of black for $500 please._

They were miles apart, but able to have a conversation, it was pretty cool really.

_Sam: Yeah right, Jared. Well… what do you think of when you think of when you hear the word black?_

_Jared: Jacob. Jacob Black. _He laughed_. Fine, fine…umm… Black coffee._

Silence while they thought.

_Jared: A Black mark, a black day._

_Paul: Disaster, _put in Paul. _You know like Black Friday._

_Sam: yeah or dirty or gloomy, like a black mood._

_Paul: pessimism… a black outlook. Problems; the one that doesn't fit in is a black sheep._

_Jared: even black humour is not a positive, is it?_

_Paul: the colour of mourning._

_Sam: yeah, blacked out… erased… hidden…_

_Jared: I've got one!_

_Sam: one what?_

_Jared: a positive… when you make a profit… you go into the black right…that's a good thing._

_Sam: excellent… count them… one…_

_Jared: Christ Sam… talk about a black mood…_ he sniggered

_Paul: forgetting is a good thing sometimes… you know when you black out and can't remember stuff…_

_Sam: yeah… you might be right. _Christ, wasn't that a glimpse into Paul's head. Blacking out was better than remembering? Ugh.

Sam suddenly realised that Jared was trying very hard to keep something a secret.

_Sam: Jared… what was that?_

_Jared: are you ordering me?_ Tentative.

_Sam: _sighs_… no._

_Jared: I think I imprinted._

_Paul: who on? Who with? What the fuckever…_

_Jared: Kim. _He said it as if it was the name of an angel.

Sam hurt some more. Another imprint. Fuck!

_Sam: Kim? _

Jared showed them an image of a small Quileute girl; relatively plain but transformed in his eyes into a raven haired beauty. She glowed under the influence of Jared's altered vision of her.

_Paul: you mean the same Kim you have sat next to in school for fucking years? __**That**__ Kim?_

_Jared: I have? _ He sounded astonished.

_Paul: man, she has had the biggest crush on you since… fuck I dunno… grade school…she writes your fucking name inside the covers of all her books… with fucking hearts and flowers…_

_Jared: she does? Isn't that adorable…_

_Paul: Christ! I don't even know her real name; she has called herself Kim Cameron for so long now… _

_Sam: typical_

_Paul: weird. I mean you have never even __**noticed**__ her before… how could she be your soul mate…_

Paul wasn't big on soul mates. And it was obvious. Actually that was a good point, why notice her now?

_Paul: doncha reckon, Sam?_

_Jared: she __**already**__ loves me… its perfect… _nothing was going to tarnish this for him, Sam could just tell.

_Paul: perfect? Yeah right. Hate that fucking word._

_Jared: (ignoring Paul) I have to ask her out_

_Paul: she'll have a fucking heart attack… her hero actually speaking to her… or a panic attack and stop breathing… and __**black out**__, eh Sam?_

_Sam: …yeah and then she'll forget all about him… _

_Paul: …bang her head on the way down… and wake up…_

_Sam: …having no idea who he is…_

_Paul: karmic… I like it…_

_Sam: … and then she ignores him for years…_

_Paul: … even though he writes her name in his school books with…_

_Sam: … hearts and flowers drawn around it…_

They laughed evilly.

_Jared: very funny guys… I mean you understand… don't you, Sam?_ He actually sounded a little worried that maybe Sam didn't understand.

_Sam: yeah… I understand._

Sam thought about it. Did he understand? He wasn't sure. He needed some time to himself. In his own head.

_Sam: go Jared…_

_Jared: seriously?_

_Sam: yeah… go… find her… pour your heart out and for fucks sake, don't let her fall over and bang her head._

Paul laughed; his usual barking laugh.

_Jared: wow! Thanks Sam. I'll tell you how it goes tomorrow._

He phased out and disappeared from their heads, leaving an overwhelming image of joy and happiness.

_Paul: Christ I hope he doesn't get the same dumbass look on his face that you do when you see your imprint._

_Sam: what? I do not…_he could almost hear Paul roll his eyes.

_Paul: do so… you look like … damn… I'm not sure I can even think of what you look like that is that pathetic… guess I can just show you… _

He flashed Sam a memory of him entering the house one day when Paul was eating at the table. People usually described Sam as unemotional, but in Paul's memory his face looked beatific. Love struck; that was the word. Christ, he looked brainless. Ugh.

_Sam: Jesus._

_Paul: yeah pretty bad from our side too… you know?_

_Sam: not much I can do about it, Paul. You know that…_

_Paul: yeah… I know… fuck me…I hope I __**never**__ look like that…_

_Sam: the will of the gods _he imagined Old Quil's ancient wispy voice.

Paul laughed again. There was silence for a few minutes.

_Paul:_ (tentative) _do I get an early mark too? You know, so I can… um… celebrate Jared's new love…_

Sam would have rolled his eyes, if Paul was looking at him.

_Sam: yeah… go find something to fuck…_

_Paul: woo hoo… I'm outta here…_

Sam breathed a sigh of relief. He was finally alone.

His wolf whined.

_Yeah, yeah. We can go swing past her house. You worried about her, huh?_

He ran some more.

_You know if we are gonna talk to each other, you need a name._

_Sam is __**my**__ name._

_Fine. _

_Blackie, sounds like a poodle… ink… shadow._

_You like that one? Cool. _

_Shadow._

_Yeah, me too. It's cool._

They stopped in the forest behind the Swan house. They can hear her heartbeat and her slow, torpid breathing.

_Yeah I know. We found her in mid September and she has been sitting around like a zombie. _

_Months._

_I know it's not healthy. _

_Absolutely she should be eating more and running about. I'm not so sure about the hunting things part though. _

_Oh, why do we need to bring her stuff? Dead stuff? We are not a cat. _

_To eat?_

_Oh I see… you always feed your female first._

_Man, you know nothing about human girls, though. _

_Fuck. I am officially losing it. I am arguing with my internal wolf._

_Yes. You do come out a lot. And I know you are here right now. _

_Fine. You win. You're not internal._

_And neither am I._

_No, she __**does**__ eat dead things. They just have to be cooked first. _

_And why do you care? _

_She smelt good? _

_Liar. She stank of vampire._

_Did so. I was there. I remember._

_Yes. Sad girl. _

_I remember._

_Still so sad._

_So why are we looking after her?_

_No, I don't know either. But we both want to._

_She isn't the runt of her litter. She is the only one in her litter._

_I know she is small. She's still not a runt._

_No pack? _

_True, she doesn't have a pack. She's alone. Just her father._

_Yes, but if she doesn't know we are here, then she __**still**__ thinks she's alone._

_A friend._

_Yes, she needs a friend._

_Jacob. He used to be her friend. When they were pups._

_If we push him. He could phase and we could order him to be her friend. That's your plan? _

_Of course he'll phase, he's Ephraim's heir._

_Shit, I don't know what colour he will be. Like it matters._

_No. I don't think he'll be black._

_Yes, that's our colour._

_What? I am __**not**__ climbing the tree to look in the window._

_Promise not to give Emily any shit. _

_A deal?_

_Fine. Just for tonight._

_Sam phased to human, slipped on his shorts and leapt up the tree._

He peered in carefully. She was asleep. She looked like shit. Big black bags under eyes.

_Black bags are bad. _

_Why? Because it shows she isn't sleeping enough. _He made a noise and she stirred on the bed. He climbed down quickly before he frightened her.

_A friend. You think __**we**__ could be her friend?_

_Sad girl. Yes, I know._

_Yeah, she's hurt too._

FF_2154210_ - 22/09/2011 07:22:00 PM


	4. I focus on the pain

**4. I focus on the pain**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Sam ran home. Not that it felt like it anymore. It used to be his home. He had not had much in his life that he could call his own. The child of a single parent on an Indian reservation didn't have a lot of things. Once his dead beat dad left for good and stopped spending whatever small amount of cash they did have. Drank it all away. They had struggled and scrimped and saved. So he was very pleased to have a place he could call his own. It came with the phase of course, his consolation prize. Trail blazer Sam strikes again.<p>

It had been 'his' up until Emily had taken up residence. Now he looked around his own home with eyes that didn't recognise what they saw.

He took a deep breath and took those final steps toward his home. He entered the little cottage. Sure it was full of homey, female touches like flower boxes of orange and yellow marigolds and bits of material on top of the table and the cupboards. And what the fuck was that about? They were just dust catchers in his mind.

And a chipped jug full of wildflowers was placed in the exact centre of the table. He would bet it was the exact centre too, with the handle lined up with the long edge of the table. And the kitchen cupboards were bright white and sparkling.

But it was not like it was **his** home anymore. It smelt weird. It smelt too much like bleach and cleaning products that made his nose itch.

He didn't get asked what he wanted and it used to be his fucking house.

Used to be.

Ain't that the truth?

Christ, if he moved the rug, she'd move it back to where she wanted it. He might try it just to see what she did. Pull it slightly out of alignment.

Emily was waiting for him. She was standing in the kitchen; 'her domain' with her hand held out to him. An unspoken command, but he knew. Like a fucking queen expecting him to pay homage. Kiss the ring. And the wolf; Shadow was behaving himself. So he did too.

He approached and embraced his imprint. He could feel his face taking on the stupid look Paul had shown him earlier. And there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. A very small part of him was happy to be close to her. It eased an ache somewhere inside him. Eased some of the hurt. Relieved the strain on the imprint cable.

That was how he thought of it. That he was bound to this person. But not in a good way.

Binding implied a lack of choice, didn't it?

Christ, was he playing dictionary meanings for 'bound' now? Jared would laugh.

"Do you know where the dictionary is?" he asked her. His own fucking house and he didn't know where anything was anymore.

She frowned at him. "A dictionary? Don't I get a kiss?" she snarked. It sounded charming, but he could hear the reprimand.

So he kissed her scars. Take that bitch.

He found the dictionary himself. Sniffed it out by looking for something that smelt papery and musty and not like her. She had never read a dictionary. Screw her.

bound (verb)

Past tense and past participle of bind.

adjective.

1. Confined by bonds; tied: bound and gagged hostages.

2. Being under legal or moral obligation: bound by my promise.

3. Equipped with a cover or binding: bound volumes.

4. Predetermined; certain: We're bound to be late.

5. Determined; resolved: She's bound to be mayor.

6. Linguistics; Being a form, especially a morpheme that cannot stand as an independent word, such as a prefix or suffix.

7. Constipated.

'Binding' meant ties, compulsory, obligatory… a hostage. Yep, that was what he thought. No choice; no choice at all. Constipated? He didn't want to go there. He snorted.

So how was this woman his perfect wolf mate? How was she supposed to fill the gaps in him? How did she make him a better wolf and a better leader? She was not his intellectual equal. She didn't read. She had no interest in the news or current affairs. And even less about Native American politics. Sam worried about how their little tribe would survive in the world. Emily didn't care. She didn't think about the pack much, let alone the larger 'pack' of their tribe. She didn't think like the alpha's perfect mate. At least not the way he thought his perfect mate ought to think.

He liked to plan for the future. She didn't.

So if she wasn't a good wolf, what was she? Some sneaky underhanded animal. Like what? A weasel? A fox? No, foxes were smart opportunists and they looked after their family. What was that bird that laid its eggs in other nests and just flew away, leaving their baby to be reared by someone else? A cuckoo. If Emily was a were-animal she'd be a fucking cuckoo.

"Dinner is ready Sam," she called.

At least she could cook a little. That was one thing she had going for her. But her favourite was the muffin. She made these massive muffins that were dry on the outside and not cooked properly in the centre. If he ate another muffin he was going to choke on it. And he knew the others were getting that way too. But they didn't really care. They were always hungry and food was food.

Later on that night, he lay next to her in 'their' bed. He knew she was not asleep. He rolled over and touched her arm; he stroked gently down her skin in a silent request for closeness.

"I'm tired Sam," she told him as she rolled away from him. She didn't even offer him a cuddle. Fuck, he'd take it, right now. He'll take _anything_ at this stage.

Yeah, that's what she said last night too. And then it will be time for her period and that is a definite no-go time. And there was another incompatibility. He liked sex and Emily clearly didn't. Chalk up another thing they didn't agree on. She didn't have sex at any time other than in bed and at night. And the lights had to be off. And she didn't do positions that _she_ considered 'weird', even if they were perfectly normal behaviour for other couples and she most definitely did not put her mouth anywhere other than on his lips.

He sighed.

Rolled over, got up and went to jerk off in the bathroom.

FF_2154210_ - 23/09/2011 11:10:00 PM


	5. The only thing that's real

**5. The only thing that's real**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p><strong>[AN: large slabs from here on are following the books very closely… all the Sam obsession, the black wolf in her dreams, are straight out of the book… weird, huh?]<strong>

* * *

><p>Bella heard a noise at the window. It disturbed her in her sleep. She woke up with her heart in her mouth. Her first thought had been that it could be Edward. Of course she thought it could be Edward. But it wasn't. It wasn't anything at all.<p>

She was disappointed again. It must have been a twig scratching against the window glass.

Charlie chose to attack her that morning too, when she was feeling fragile. She saw it as an attack, but really, after four months of listening to her scream in her sleep it was a wonder he could function at all.

"That's it. You're going to your mother's," he announced. "You're just lifeless Bella."

And she was, too.

"I think you need professional help. You need to talk to someone. Someone who is not involved in this stuff…" he waved a hand ineffectually. Communication was never Charlie Swan's strongpoint, and emotions gave him hives.

"You want me to see a shrink?" she almost shrieked at him.

"I think we both know you are not getting better, Bella."

It wouldn't work. Not because of the nature of psychoanalysis but because of all the secrets. How could she tell them she was heartbroken and depressed because her vampire boyfriend had left her? And not given her eternal life, as she had expected. He had not made her part of his fabulous wealthy vampire family. An eternal unchanging family. She had been am only child, she had never had siblings.

She blustered on to Charlie about trying harder and going out with friends, and Charlie's eyes narrowed suspiciously. Like she had any friends left.

"I don't want you to try harder," Charlie stated. "I can't stand to watch you try so hard. It hurts to watch you," he confessed. "I just want you to not be miserable. I would love you to be happy, but **not** miserable is a start."

"I'm not leaving Forks."

"Why not?" he demanded.

"I have school and I don't want to crowd Phil and Mom…"

Charlie's fist came down on the table. "We both know what is really going on here, Bella, and it's not good for you." He took a deep breath. "It's been months. No calls, no letters, no contact. You can't keep waiting for him."

She gasped as he mentioned the forbidden subject; _him_.

"I'm not waiting for anything. I don't expect anything," Bella said in a low monotone. She didn't really expect to be alive and functioning. How she could still be alive when _he_ had left her.

"Bella…" Charlie started.

"I have to get to school…" and she ran.

Charlie could make her leave and that would be bad. Because if Edward came back, she wouldn't be here and he wouldn't know where she was. Of course he could read people's minds and find out where she was. But she would really rather prefer to be here. To welcome him. Because even though she had told Charlie she didn't expect anything, she still kind of …did.

She made the rational decision to snap out of it. Or at least to look like she had. After Calculus class when Mr Varner let them out early she made arrangements with Jessica to go to a movie in Port Angeles. A zombie movie. It seemed eerily appropriate.

She got Jessica chatting in the car and discovered the startling news that she had actually gone out with Eric Yorkie. Jessica's dating history kept her chatting the whole way to Port Angeles.

After the movie, she and Jessica had to walk up a dark street. Four guys were leaning against the wall outside a bar. Jessica was instantly nervous of them. Bella was reminded of the time when some guys had threatened her and she had been rescued. By _him_. She was still unable to even think the name of her rescuer. She veered towards them, rather than away.

As she approached the men, with no real idea of her intention, she heard _his_ voice.

'Bella, stop this right now!' he sounded irate.

She ignored him and took another step.

'Go back to Jessica. You promised; nothing stupid.' The voice was lovely and still a little angry with her.

Jessica grabbed her to drag her away.

_He_ was the only thing that was real. He wasn't there and yet, he felt close to her. She tried taking another step towards the men and he snarled at her.

Eventually she let Jessica drag her away; her friend looked genuinely frightened now. This, on top of the scary zombie movie was too much for her. She was silent on the trip back to Forks.

Bella realised that she struggled not to think of _them_, but she was terrified that she would forget them; she must _remember_ them. So long as _he_ existed she could endure. That was why she couldn't leave Forks. If _he_ didn't exist, then she wouldn't either.

She farewelled Jessica, who by now was furious with her and tersely said she would see her at school on Monday.

Charlie was waiting for her and demanded to know where she had been.

"The movies? With Jess, remember?"

He was momentarily stumped. "Did you have fun?" he asked in an unemotional voice..

"Sure, we watched zombies eat people. It was great. Night, Dad."

She lay on her bed; her heart racing, holding herself literally together as the pain punched a huge hole through her chest. She gasped for air.

But she endured.

Sam and Shadow argued outside in the forest.

_No, we can't. _

_I know. But she has to help herself now._

888888888888

She did her shift at Newtons in the morning. Mike was talking to some customers. They were trying to one-up each other with their latest tales from the trails. One was actually getting pretty upset that his friend was not convinced by his story about the giant bear he had seen.

"On all fours, it was taller than you," he insisted to his friend. "Big as a house and pitch black. People ought to be warned…"

The friend insisted that he was on the way back to civilisation and was half crazed from being alone and not eating. He laughed at the first man. "Let me guess, you were on your way in? Hadn't eaten real food or slept off the ground in a week, right?"

She faded out. She had a faint memory of a big black creature pushing at her with its nose. Her arms instinctively closed around her stomach to stop the ache. The ache that happened any time she remembered that night.

"Bella, why don't you take off," Mike suggested, breaking into her reverie. He wasn't actually looking at her, and failed to notice her distress.

"Sure, I'll see you at school on Monday," she mumbled at him.

"Say, Mike… have there been any warnings around here recently… about black bears…" the customer sought Mike's backup.

She heard him suggest they purchase one of their new bear proof food safes; always the salesman. As she left the store another image of a large, furred creature snuffling at her, came to mind. Pitch black and as big as a house.

That night… when she was lost… _she saw it_.

She had a panic attack; almost unable to breathe and with little idea of where she was and where she was going. She was driving home, but had no memory of it and found herself in a street she had no memory of driving to. She was a menace on the streets of Forks. Someone would report her to Charlie and she would be in more trouble.

She sat in the truck in the ever present rain and thought about the hole that had been torn in her centre. _He_ had promised that it would be as if he had never existed. Just remembering those words ripped the hole in her wider apart.

As if he'd never existed? It was an insane promise that was broken as soon as he had made it.

It was then that she saw the motorbikes. She had promised Charlie when she was ten that she would never ride one; not even accept a lift on one. Maybe this was another way to hear _him_? Another way to be reckless? There weren't a lot of options to being reckless in Forks.

After a short conversation with the Marks boy, who assured her they were scrap and his mother had insisted they be moved to the street so that they could go out with the trash, he helped her load them into her truck.

She didn't know what she was going to do with them; she was just embracing the new reckless Bella.

And then she remembered Jacob Black and his ability to fix almost anything mechanical.

FF_2154210_ - 25/09/2011 05:17:00 AM


	6. The needle tears a hole

**6. The needle tears a hole**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>A hole.<p>

She lived with one now. She carried it around inside her.

A hole with ragged, painful, bleeding edges. It was right at the centre of her being. She clutched her arms around herself to stop her body just falling apart. How it could continue to function at all with such a large part of her missing, she just couldn't comprehend. How could she breathe with her lungs missing? How could her heart continue to beat if it had been torn out of her chest?

She could wallpaper over it. Cover it over and function. Maintain the charade that she was a whole person; walking, talking, and existing. And occasionally and usually unexpectedly, the hole would be torn anew. It would take just a word or a phrase to remember _him_.

Music was an issue for her now, when it had been a joy and a comfort. She turned the radio off. She had torn the gift one out of her truck, and buried it in the bottom of her wardrobe. She couldn't even bring herself to throw it in the trash.

She drove out to La Push after calling Charlie and telling him where she was going. He was pleased. Little did he know?

Her little chubby faced Jake had grown. He was 6ft 5 now, he told her proudly. His face was leaner, thinner and the soft childlike edges were gone. He was growing up. He pointed out to her that she had missed his sixteenth birthday. She didn't want to deal with why that age was significant to him. She hated birthdays.

He unloaded the bikes effortlessly and wheeled them into his dilapidated garage. She spent the afternoon sitting in the door of the half built Volkswagen Rabbit chatting to Jake and watching him eagerly embrace their 'joint' project of bike rebuilding.

That night she slept without screaming.

Sam uttered a satisfied hum. He and Shadow stood watch in the forest. They would cop it when they got home late from Emily. But neither cared.

_Yeah. Sleep is good. Jacob is her friend._

_I know._

_Well that's what you wanted, wasn't it?_

He sighed.

* * *

><p>Days passed.<p>

She kept going out to La Push.

She met Quil and Embry. She and Jake drove to the junkyard to buy parts. She ate dinner with the Clearwaters and Charlie at the Black house. Jake teased Billy about his special bottled pasta sauce recipe. She laughed.

She felt almost human again.

But that night, after two nights without dreaming, the forest dream was back. The one that made her scream every night for four months.

Previously it was the empty forest that had made her scream. Why, she didn't comprehend. Maybe that _he_ wasn't in it? That she was searching for _him_ and couldn't find him?

But this time in her dream, she was not alone in the woods. Sam Uley was there. The man who had pulled her from the forest floor on that night she couldn't bear to think about. At least she didn't think about it consciously, so it was relegated to the world of the unconscious; her dreams. But it was odd and unexpected to see him, so unfamiliar in her familiar dream forest.

His dark eyes looked surprisingly unfriendly. They seemed full of some secret; one he didn't wish to share with her. She stared at him in her dream, her eyes kept returning to Sam, after searching the empty forest for _him_. He remained standing, observing her.

It made her uncomfortable to have him there, in her dreams.

But also, whenever she didn't look at him directly, his shape seemed to shiver and change. He got darker and larger. Blacker. And he didn't help her. He just stood there.

She was sure he had helped her before. He had been caring. He had seemed concerned for her that night when she was lost. He had held the door open, looked like he would catch her if Charlie had dropped her. He had covered her with an extra blanket.

He had brushed her face with his large, strong fingers. They were warm.

He had cared.

**And now he didn't.**

The screaming started.

* * *

><p>At school the next day she shocked everyone by actually speaking.<p>

Angela was talking about how she and Ben didn't make it to the hot springs because they saw a huge black animal at the side of the road. It was bigger than a bear she assured everyone.

Bella stuck up for her when Lauren and Jessica almost accused her of making it up. Angela was probably the person _least_ likely to make up such a story.

"No, she's right. We had a hiker in the shop on Saturday who saw the bear too, Angela. He said, it was huge and black and just outside of town, didn't he, Mike?" she appealed to Mike to corroborate her story.

The shock wore off, quickly and people started to talk amongst themselves. Some even got the courage to try and have a conversation with her.

Later Angela approached her. She liked Angela, but she was concerned that she was too perceptive. They were dumping their cafeteria trays when Angela asked her, "Are you okay?"

"Not completely," she admitted.

"I'm glad," she smiled. "I've missed you."

"It was a year ago yesterday that I had my first day here," Bella noted.

Listening to Lauren and Jessica bitching they both smiled at the thought that nothing had really changed.

But it had.

Now Sam Uley was in her dreams.

* * *

><p>That afternoon she decided to visit <em>their<em> house.

It was an attempt to hear his perfect voice again. If she went to his house, he would be there… wouldn't he? Like some kind of déjà vu? Inspired by her location rather than by her proximity to danger.

The last time she had been there was the awful night of her birthday party. The paper cut. Odd that something so small had such far reaching consequences. It was just a paper cut. It occurred to her that she had been relatively fine until _he_ had thrown her into a table of glass plates stacked ready to serve pieces of a cake that they couldn't even eat. After that, she had needed stitches. And it had all gone so terribly wrong. The party ruined.

She shook that thought away; it was disrespectful. He was only looking after her and he didn't know his own strength… that was all. His father had stitched her up; no real damage was done.

She missed the turnoff to the Cullen house. It was always difficult to see, but now it was overgrown. It didn't take the forest long to reclaim what was its. She had to reverse the truck back; couldn't turn it around on the narrow forest road.

So, she was doing this, why? Part of the reason was the nightmare. The nothingness of it gnawed on her nerves. She was searching for something. There was _something_ to search for. There had to be. It was unattainable and impossible, uncaring and distracted… but she had to find it. _He_ was out there. Somewhere. She knew he was; he was immortal, of course, he was still out there.

Also, it felt like some sick kind of anniversary. This had all started almost exactly a year ago when she came to Forks High School.

She finally turned up the lane to the house. It seemed to go on forever. Surely the house was not this far up? The almost jungle-like growth crowded the sides of the lane as it wound on and on. She started to panic. What if it wasn't there? What if the house had disappeared as completely as _they_ had? What if when they moved house, they moved the house?

Finally there was a break in the growth and she brought the truck to a halt.

The cleared meadow in front of the house had been taken over by a green feathery sea of ferns.

The house existed. She took a sigh of relief.

But even though it was clearly unchanged, it looked different. Emptiness screamed from the extravagant windows

Empty. Abandoned. Forgotten.

Like her?

But she couldn't hear his voice and she wanted to. She got out of the truck and approached the house slowly. She got as far as the porch steps. She left the truck motor running as an escape plan of sorts.

She had a fleeting nightmare that if she went inside, she would find everything in its place. Unchanged and permanent like the vampires themselves. Their belongings left and forgotten, like her. The smashed grand piano still in pieces all over the floor.

She didn't want to go in.

Her truck motor cut out.

She turned in sudden panic to find him standing there.

FF_2154210_ - 26/09/2011 01:52:00 PM


	7. The old familiar sting

**7. The old familiar sting**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>"What are <em>you<em> doing here?" his deep booming voice rang out.

It was Sam Uley. The man of her nightmares. He was standing inside the open door of her truck, where he had clearly just turned off the motor.

He was standing between her and her pathetic escape route; her truck. Her heart skittered off into panic levels.

He frowned at her.

"S-Sam?"

"Yes."

"What are **you** doing here? It's not _your_ house," she snarked at him.

He glanced at it with distaste. "No, thank goodness. Just a tad over the top, don't you think?"

She looked at him astonished. She didn't even know how he had got there; he was only wearing what looked like an old pair of jeans, cut off at the knees with ragged edges. No shirt. No shoes.

"Nor is it yours," he pointed out to her.

That hurt. She had hoped once that it might be. Her house. Her family. Her love. Hers for eternity.

She clutched at the hole inside her. Her arms closed over her torso to keep her body together.

He noticed. "You okay?"

She chuckled bitterly at the thought that that was becoming a familiar question. "That's what Angela Weber asked me at school today." She chuckled again. It sounded bitter; almost half insane. "It's my anniversary."

He stepped out of the car door completely and closed it behind him with a solid thump. "Anniversary?" he checked.

"I've been in Forks a whole year," she announced. And what a year it had been.

"Wow. Good year," he commented; oddly echoing her thoughts. "And what did you tell Angela?" he asked.

"I said 'not completely'," she admitted. She felt suddenly weak and she sat down on the bottom porch step.

He frowned again. He looked a little concerned. He approached her slowly. "What are you doing here, Bella?" He sounded more concerned now, too.

She remembered Charlie saying she needed to talk to someone. Why did she feel like Sam would help? Because he had helped her before? Could she talk to Sam?

"I was on my way to Jacob's," she whispered. "I just had to… see…" she stopped.

"Aah." He nodded. "Make sure it wasn't a dream." It was a statement, not a question. She gave him another glance. It was a too perceptive statement.

"It's still here… and I'm still here…" she said quietly.

She noticed his observation. "And you're still here…" she added pointedly.

Silence.

"You didn't answer my question," she pointed out. "About _why_ you're here."

"No."

Well, guess that was that.

She looked down at the porch step. She brushed some forest detritus away with her hand. Pulled out a weed or two.

"I hear _him_," she commented, her hands still busy with the tiny ferns and weeds. She could do this better if she didn't look at him; if she just talked.

Sam said nothing.

"Sometimes." She didn't tell him when. When she was being reckless and stupid.

She sat, he stood. Nothing changed. Time passed.

She didn't hear _his_ voice. Maybe Sam stopped it somehow. Or voice Edward didn't consider Sam dangerous enough to make an appearance. She had heard him when Jessica was near. Maybe she wasn't being reckless and stupid; talking to a guy she had nightmares about. They weren't technically about him; he was just the guy who featured in her nightmares.

She sighed. She needed to get to Jake's.

"Jake will be waiting," he said, oddly echoing her thoughts again.

She stood, brushed rubbish from her ass where she had sat on the step. "Yeah," she agreed. She looked up at him. It was a long way to look. His serious dark eyes studied her.

"You're as tall as Jake," she commented.

He almost smiled. "We can't **all** be tiny little runts."

"Humph."

He looked down at her feet in her usual pair of battered converse sneakers. "Maybe you should wear higher heels?"

She frowned at him. "Did you leave the keys in the truck?"

"Yes."

"Fine. I'll go then."

"Fine."

She looked in her rear view mirror as she drove away. She could see him still standing there watching after her. When she glanced up again quickly, he was just …gone.

When she got to Jake's he pointed out that she was late but she didn't tell him where she had been. Jake was easily distracted, he was excited. It had only taken him three days to rebuild the red bike; the one that he said was hers.

Sam beat her to La Push of course. He heard Jake's tentative questioning as to whether she would still come to see him, even if he finished repairing the bikes. That made Shadow twitch. It was so obvious to them that Jake wanted to be more than her friend. But maybe not to Bella; she didn't seem to react to Jake like that.

_Yes, but he'll look after her. _

Then he listened as Bella and Jake made arrangements to do something else on a Wednesday; maybe even school work. He could hear them crack sodas and make a toast to responsibility twice a week. She sounded more like a normal teenage girl.

He was pleased.

* * *

><p>She and Jake spent the next few days together. Repairing the bikes, or splayed out on her floor with their homework books. She had been accepted back into her group at school. Mike chatted to her at work as if he had saved a whole semester of information for her. He even asked her out. Things were really back to normal.<p>

She told him she didn't date but that they could go with a bunch of friends. She had to offer him something; he looked so completely destroyed by her refusal.

Five more days and Jake had finished the Harley Sprint as well.

He rang her on Sunday, completely excited to say they had a 'date', as she had promised. She rushed out to La Push to load them in the truck and go to Jake's secret place to ride them.

As she drove along the cliff road she saw four figures standing on a rocky ledge; alarmingly close to the edge of the cliff. As she watched, the tallest of them, stepped even closer to the brink. She braked automatically.

And then he threw himself off the cliff.

"NO!" she shouted. She didn't even know why; she didn't know the guy.

"What's wrong?" Jake asked.

"That guy… he just jumped off the cliff! Why didn't they stop him? We've got to call an ambulance!" She parked and leapt out of the truck, with no idea how she could help. But she had to see.

Jacob just laughed and reached over to turn the truck motor off, climbing out to follow her.

"They're just cliff diving, Bella. It's called recreation. We don't have a mall, you know." He sounded strangely irritated as well as sarcastic.

"Cliff diving?" as she watched, the second figure stepped up and gracefully leapt into the air. He fell for the longest time, before he sliced into the dark gray waves below. "That must be a hundred feet," she breathed. It was awesomely reckless. "You have to take me cliff diving," she grabbed at Jake's arm.

"Bella, you just wanted to call an ambulance for Sam," he reminded her.

"Sam? That was Sam?"

"Yeah. The tallest one." He frowned again as the third man made a running start and flung his body into the air. He twisted and cart wheeled through the air as he fell. He looked so …free. A fourth man remained standing on the cliff edge.

Jacob sounded irritated as he demanded, "Are we going to try the bikes out or not?"

She got back in to the truck and put her seatbelt on as she pulled back onto the road. "Yeah… sure…"

"So who were those guys?" she asked. 'With Sam', she didn't say.

"The La Push gang," Jake replied with an ugly sound in the back of his throat.

"A gang?" Sam was a gang leader?

"Hall monitors gone bad. They babble on about tribal land and pride… they throw their weight around. Sam and his disciples."

Jake went on about some altercation between Paul and Quil in the shop and how Sam had intervened. Like an old western standoff. The only part she heard was that Sam was twenty and had stayed in the community rather than go to college on a scholarship. Jake was irritated by that, because of the flak that his sister had got when she turned down a partial scholarship to get married.

"But, oh no, Sam Uley can do no wrong."

"It sounds annoying and strange, Jake. But why are you taking this so personally?"

"You missed the turn," he pointed out, without really answering her.

It wasn't until they had parked where he instructed, that she could get any more information out of him.

"It's the way they treat me… it creeps me out," he whispered. "They treat me special…" He stood next to her truck; his whole body hunched over and he started to kick at the tire.

"Sam treats you special?" she checked.

"Yeah. He looks at me as if he is waiting for me to join his stupid gang. He pays more attention to me than to any of the other guys. I hate it."

He was still agitated; his foot drumming a rhythm on the truck tire.

"Jake?"

"It's Embry," he whispered. "He was there on the cliff… with **them**." And then it came out in a rush. How Embry had hated the gang more than anyone, how he had got sick for a week and when he came back he looked freaked. He refused to talk to Jake and Quil about what had happened; he wouldn't even admit that anything _had_ happened. But it was obvious that something **had**. Embry was different, and he was bigger physically. Now he had started to hang with Sam; just like the others had, even though none of them had ever been friends before.

"Sam _**owns**_ him." He sounded desolate.

She tried to make sensible suggestions; talk to a grown up about your concerns. He said he **had** spoken to his father and he was no help. He had just answered Jake in such a way that he was even more confused. One day he would understand kind of stuff. In her desperate need to comfort her friend, she hugged him. She threw her arms around his waist and pressed her face into his chest.

"You can come and live with me and Charlie," she told him earnestly.

He wrapped his longer arms around her and they stood like that for some time. Jake stroked her hair. She suddenly thought that this was friendship for her, but she wasn't entirely sure what it was for Jake.

She pulled away quickly and made a joke about age, trying to get it back on an even keel.

Jake laughed with her and made jokes about her being tiny and albino. They were back on safe friendly ground.

And then he taught her how to ride a motor bike.

She ended up in casualty, of course. Seven stitches.

But she did hear _his_ voice again. And that made it all worthwhile.

The next Wednesday when Dr Gerandy rang Charlie to remind him to wake Bella up every hour because he thought she might have a concussion, Charlie got very suspicious. Concussion was above the level of Bella's normal clumsiness.

She and Jake decided to cool it with the bikes. Just for a week or so. If she could go a week without ending up in the ER, Charlie might get less suspicious.

So she decided to go back to the house. Maybe it would work now; his voice was becoming more familiar to her. More accessible.

She drove back up the overgrown driveway and parked.

And he was there. Again.

FF_2154210_ - 27/09/2011 05:09:00 PM


	8. Try to kill it all away

**8. Try to kill it all away**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p><em>He<em> was there. But it was the wrong he. It was Sam Uley. Again.

He had heard her distinctive truck. He and Shadow had followed her to the house.

_What is she doing here again? _

_Well let's ask her, eh?_

"What are you doing here again?" his deep booming voice rang out.

She jumped guiltily.

He was leaning his shoulder against a tree, arms folded. Half dressed as always.

Her heart raced. Oh right. He was the scary cult leader now wasn't he? She was frightened of him. It excited him at a deep, dark level. Embry had told him about Jake and Bella's theory about the 'gang'.

"You again," she hissed at him.

"Yes," he agreed.

"What did you do to Embry?"

"Nothing."

"Liar."

He arched a brow and didn't reply to that accusation.

"A-and…" she blustered. "Leave Jake alone… you're freaking him out. You and your … gang." He had been friendly to her, but she attacked him on Jake's behalf.

"Him? Not you?" he checked.

That was too much for her. "Fuck off, Sam," she barked at him. She stormed off angrily and threw herself into her truck and drove home. She was mortified. She had never spoken to anyone like that before.

Sam chuckled to himself. _Yep_, he agreed with Shadow. _She looks much better. Her cheeks go pink when she's animated._

_I'm sure the run about the forest helped her, yeah._

* * *

><p>On the run back to La Push Sam thought about his life.<p>

He and Emily were bound together and not in a good way. Their whole relationship was based on falsehood and guilt. He had hurt her physically… his wolf had attacked her… and now he and the wolf were paying for it.

And Emily?

She abused the imprint. She made him do stuff he didn't want to do. And did nothing for him that he **did** want. Or at least, that is how he saw it.

It was an ugly situation, and he couldn't see how it could get any better.

Usually if you were having relationship troubles, you could go to marriage guidance or see a counsellor or something. But when he and Emily were having trouble… how do you go to relationship counselling with that one? I loved my girlfriend, but I broke her heart when I turned into a wolf and I wasn't allowed to tell her; then the wolf gods bound me to this woman I don't even know. And I **really** don't like her. Then my wolf attacked her because he didn't like her either. Which wolf you ask? Oh the one that lives inside me. Christ he'd be locked up as criminally insane before he finished the session.

He couldn't ask a tribal council member for help because they all thought imprinting was wonderful. It had the golden tinge of 'tradition' and the 'old ways'.

Pain and guilt. What a solid foundation for a good relationship. The whole thing was founded on pain… his, Emily's and Leah's.

Let's not forget Leah.

So now he takes a twisted joy in causing little hurts to Emily's neat and ordered world. He didn't put his drink on the coaster. He moved the rug. Pushed the magazine out of alignment on the coffee table. It felt stupid and petty, but it was all he had.

Now, he **always** kissed the scars first. Another little stab at her.

She hated the scars.

And it was to remind **him** why he was with her, even though he was not entirely happy. Look what you did. These days he thinks he would have borne the scars himself, if it had released the imprint. If she had said 'no'. If she had let him go.

But she wouldn't.

So the scars worked for her too.

Look what **you** did to me. This is why you **will** stay with me. Will… no choice there.

**His scars were just not so visible.**

She refused him sex as punishment. Like he ever got any before. Now he had to earn points before he could get sex, like some kind of coupon system. And he was so far in the red; he was never going to catch up. Now he didn't bother going to the bathroom to jerk off. He lay right there next to her in the bed and did it there. Take that, bitch.

One night as he lay there with his cock in his hand, he thought of Bella Swan and her little white hands and he came so hard, he let out a guttural groan and woke Emily up.

Boy, did that cost him. Had to sleep on the lounge for a few days. She knew that being physically parted from his imprint hurt him.

Bitch.

* * *

><p>Then, Embry had phased and <strong>that<strong> was another battle.

The Cullens were gone. They'd been gone for months. Embry shouldn't have phased; he wasn't needed. They left in September. It was February for fucks sake. They hadn't seen a vamp in months. He had prayed that this would stop and it fucking **hadn't**.

He was watching Jake all right. But not for the reasons Bella and Jake had accused him of. He was watching him, terrified that he would phase as well. He wouldn't wish this life on anyone. And to watch Jake go through it might be too much for him. Sunny, happy, unsinkable Jake. The son of their chief. Their prince.

**NO**. It was enough, surely. The gods couldn't be so mean as to make more kids go through this. There just weren't enough kids left on the rez as it was, without this crap going on.

He knew. He heard the rumours about his cult, his gang. He heard them better than anyone given his new exceptional hearing. He could hear them from literally miles away. And you think **that** made his life easier? Fuck no.

He had jumped first, at the cliffs so that he didn't have to hear Jake and Bella on the road. But he had heard her scream of anguish when he had jumped. It had touched him. She cared.

But Embry could hear them. That's why he was pacing like a loon on the cliff edge until they drove away.

And then he hadn't jumped; he had followed them. Sam was down in the surf and couldn't tell him not to. Embry had heard it all. His terrified best friend, so worried about his friends and himself. So ignorant of the truth.

Embry was a fucking basket case. He looked like a shaky crack addict. Pale and sick and so scared. His huge eyes bugging out of his head. He was too sensitive for this shit.

All of Embry's fears and doubts were suddenly made open to them all, with the pack mind. Christ, he was almost as bad as Paul. Just a little better at having a socially acceptable façade. His lack of a father was eating away at him and his life with a single parent mother who had done it tougher than most. He had been obsessively checking out every guy on the rez of the right age and staring at himself in the mirror to see if he had Billy's nose or Quil's ears or looked anything like Paul or Sam. Their fathers weren't around to compare himself to.

They needed more candidates like Paul. Paul was stronger for being a wolf. He had a family now, in the most basic sense. He had a group; a pack that he was a valuable part of. He was their best fighter. Sam hoped that the pack would be a haven for Embry too; a place in which he belonged. Eventually. He just wasn't ready for it now. He was too busy fighting shit he couldn't change.

Sam hurt for that one too. He strongly suspected he and Embry had that in common. The same father. The fucking sperm donor. That was all he had done; make a sperm donation and then he had pissed off. Sam would bet money that Embry was his half brother. Karma would make sure of it. She was already fucking him up the ass.

Embry's friends had kept him together and now he didn't have them, the cracks were showing.

Sam hurt some more when he ordered Embry to stay away from Jake and Quil, and not to tell them anything. Embry tried to fight him, but the alpha order was unbreakable.

But he could throw a major sulk. Sam couldn't order him not to do that.

And Embry's fucking mother was an unsympathetic shrew.

Like his imprint.

Ugh.

He felt sick to think bad thoughts about Emily. It actually hurt him on a physical level.

And he, like Embry, had to keep it a secret. Fuck it, if he could do it, so could Embry. And Embry didn't even have a girlfriend. Especially one who was not an idiot and who would try to find out what had happened, so you had to dump her and break her heart; like Leah. Nor had Embry imprinted. He had it easy, really.

* * *

><p>Bella thought about <em>his<em> voice. She can't hear it anymore. She had got too proficient on the motor bike. The only other place she can think of that could trigger it, would be the meadow.

_Their_ meadow.

But she has no idea how to find it. She worked in a camping and hiking store and didn't have the first clue how to go about finding it. She knew it was dumb to hike alone. She worried that she spent too much time with Jake and that he was starting to get the wrong idea. She loved Jake; she just didn't love him like _that_.

So, she decided to fight the forest.

She would clean up the house for _them_. Cut the weeds. Trim the trees back. She'll be outdoors and doing something healthy.

And Charlie would be happy too. He would be terrified of her hiking alone in the forest when the rumours of the giant bears were getting more frequent.

And she would be making a difference to _them_. She would be doing something that she was sure, _they_ would appreciate. A small part of her brain pointed out that if they **were** coming back, they would have paid someone to do it for them. She ignored that. They hadn't sold the house. They could still come back she told herself. The thought that they had enough money to leave a house that valuable just sitting there, untended, she ignored as well.

FF_2154210_ - 28/09/2011 03:09:00 PM


	9. But I remember everything

**9. But I remember everything**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>She was back at the house, armed with gardening gloves and a few trimming implements she had found in Charlie's shed. And some bottles of water in a cooler.<p>

She felt good about this decision.

Sam watched her from the forest. He just shook his head.

_I know. _

_She **has** put on some weight. And she has colour in her face._

_What is she doing?_

_I think she has picked a fight with the forest. _

_It's not funny._

_Well let's go help her then. We are good with forest._

He stepped out of the forest. He appeared in her peripheral vision, the same way he still did in her dreams.

She jumped. "Holy Crow. You again."

"Holy Crow?" he repeated and then he guffawed. He had a deep booming laugh, just like his deep, booming voice.

"What?" she was annoyed with him now.

"You tell me to 'fuck off' last time and the most you can manage now, is 'Holy Crow'?" He was still chucking. He thought it was a long time since he had really laughed like that.

"Humph." She resisted the urge to tell him to fuck off again. "I apologise. That was rude of me."

"Apology accepted." He paused. "Need some help?"

"Yes, please." She had insulted the big frightening Sam Uley; the violent cult leader. She had been told he was the leader of a gang; but she couldn't reconcile this Sam (the one who laughed so deeply) with the scary evil Sam, the one that Jake was so angry with, and so frightened of.

He grabbed a pair of shears and started cutting through the ferns that had cascaded over the neat path to the porch. She pulled some smaller weeds out of the steps.

They worked together silently for some time.

"Why are you doing this Bella?" he asked.

She was sweeping the porch. She shrugged.

"Be closer to them, huh?" he probed.

She put down the broom and went to get some water from the cooler in the truck. She passed a bottle to Sam. She was very careful not to touch him as she did so.

She still hadn't answered him.

"Bella?" he pressed.

She sighed. She sat down on the step. Sam was crouched down, watching her with his dark eyes.

"I had something… something wonderful," she started. "Something rare." She fiddled with the water bottle. "But I lost it." He just waited silently.

"I moved here from Arizona a year ago. I was nothing special in Arizona. The school was full of beautiful blond girls; the cheerleaders who got all the boys and I was nothing special." She paused for a breath. "I wasn't even the smartest, you know?"

He nodded.

"I arrived here and I tried so hard to be innocuous and inconspicuous. And for some reason I attracted all the boys' attention. It was weird. I was all anyone could talk about at school for weeks. Maybe it was because I was new. That had never happened to me before." She shrugged. "And _they_ were there."

Sam moved to sit next to her on the steps. His body warmth radiated off him like a space heater.

"I noticed _him_ the minute I saw him and his siblings in the cafeteria on that first day … and it was just…" She stopped and took another breath. "They were just so devastatingly beautiful. They belonged on the canvas of an old master. The faces of angels. They fascinated me. They even moved and walked differently. So elegant."

She brushed at the steps with her fingers again.

"And then we sat next to each other in Science and that, as they say was… that. It was love."

"Sounds a little sudden," he drily commented. It sounded like imprinting to him.

"Oh it was. It was just all too sudden. Too serious, too fast. Not that that was a negative," she hastened to add. "I don't want it to sound like it was."

"Your first love?" he asked. He seemed to understand not to say his name.

"Yes I suppose. And his." She chuckled at the private joke. One hundred and nine years old and fell in love with her the first day he saw her. "I'd never even had a boyfriend before."

"And it was…" he jerked his head at the house. Again, not saying their name.

"Yes," she sighed. "But enough about me, did you have a first love?"

He just looked at her without blinking.

"Oh come on, Sam. If I am sharing, you have to share too." She reached over and poked him in the top of the shoulder. Lord, he was like stone. But warm, like Jacob had felt when she had hugged him. "Talk," she ordered. "Or are you the strong, silent type?"

He chuckled, and then let out a long slow breath, with a whoosh.

"Yeah, I had a first love." He looked serious now, too. "My first everything."

She frowned.

He explained. "First kiss, first… you know… everything." He shrugged.

"Oh."

"She's beautiful. Striking, spectacular. But feisty too, you know. And smart. I like that in a girl."

"Do I know her?" she asked carefully.

"I'm not sure," he glanced up at her face. "Leah."

"Clearwater?" she checked.

"Yes."

"I met her at Jake's with Seth. The families all had dinner together." She tried to remember that night. "She is beautiful." She raised a hand to her face. "Tall, long legs and with eyelashes like feather dusters," she said.

"That's her," Sam breathed. "Was she okay?" he asked subduedly.

"She spent the whole time on her phone. I don't remember her being very social. She seemed angry."

"Yeah."

Silence.

"I broke her heart," he said in answer to her unspoken question.

Well, she knew how that felt. "I see."

There was a noise from the forest. She could see Sam snap from relaxed and chatty to instantly alert somehow.

"I have to go," he said without looking at her. He stood. Moving as fluidly and weirdly lithely as _they_ had. She blinked.

"Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked. He looked at her, waiting for her response.

She could be. "I might come." She shrugged. "You'll hear the truck?" She guessed that was how he heard her, but where was he? In the forest? Like he was in her dreams? Oh now, that didn't bear thinking about.

"Good." He nodded at her and he jogged off into the forest. She tried to follow his image but he got dark on the edges and disappeared. Just like in her dreams.

He wasn't seriously going to run through the forest from here to La Push was he? It was miles.

She sat there thinking for a long time, before she collected her tools and went home.

* * *

><p>Two more days and she was back.<p>

And so was he.

This time they worked silently and happily for a while before she started talking.

She found herself telling him all about her scatter brained mother. The hippie. The crystal loving, alternative flower child. How she was so different to Charlie. She could not imagine how they had ever got together in the first place. Renee had told her about some epic road trip she had done with a bunch of hippie friends in a kombi. How they had lit a bonfire on First Beach and attracted the attention of Charlie and his friends. His friends Billy, Harry and Quil. She told Sam how her mother could be relied upon to be unreliable.

Sam laughed at her story about waiting at school to be collected, while her mother was literally in a trance. Some kind of isolation tank or something.

She told him about Phil, her new husband and the pro-baseball player for the minor leagues. Sam was impressed as all men were by sports.

"Woo hoo. So she's a cradle snatcher, huh?" he teased.

"Yeah," she chuckled. "But they are good together, you know? She loves him. Sometimes people get a second chance." She stopped suddenly. "Charlie … didn't ever seem to get over her. He still doesn't date."

She looked at Sam. "Do you think it's wrong to hope that he gets a second chance too?"

"No. Second chances are good." He was sure hoping that he could get one. Or was it a third chance? Did Emily count for the second? And Leah was his first? Who got third chances?

In payback, he told her about his mother. How she was a sole parent and she had done it tough, after his father bunked out on them. How she still seemed to have the worst taste in men. She just seemed to choose guys that always let her down.

She thought being a fatherless child might explain some of his obvious maturity. How old did Jake say he was? Twenty. He seemed much older. Closer to twenty five. Or maybe he just looked it.

"Why are **you** here, Sam?"

"I don't know," he answered and that was all she could get out of him for the rest of that day.

* * *

><p>Her days became busy, full of Jake, school work, riding motorbikes and meeting Sam at the house. Sometimes he didn't make it and she felt oddly disappointed. Just as disappointed as she felt when she got too proficient with the bike and no longer heard <em>his<em> reprimands at all.

She had cleared quite a bit of the 'lawn' in front of the house. She wasn't game to break into the garage and find a lawnmower just in case they had left everything behind. The house still looked abandoned. She was starting to get used to its vacant look.

She wondered if Sam missed her when she didn't make it. She knew she missed him; her visits were shorter on the days he didn't make it. Their meetings were less about gardening and more about talking these days. She still didn't get much information out of him. He literally **was** the strong, silent type. His admissions that first day about Leah and his mother were almost the most he had said.

Because of Charlie Swan and his inherent fear of emotions, she was quite comfortable to just work with him without talking. They trimmed the trees on the drive.

She watched him. He was a big man. Six foot six at least. But he moved with an easy grace, he had muscles she was sure she had never seen on other people. But then again, she didn't spend that much time around men with their shirts off. She thought he could do one of those calendars like the firemen do with no shirts on. He looked amazing with no shirt on, which was almost all the time.

She wanted to ask him about Embry and if he was all right, but she didn't know how to start that conversation. And Jake no longer mentioned him.

Charlie was pleased that she was busy. He went back to fishing trips on the weekends, as if she could be trusted not to do anything crazy now. She felt guilty; she had made such a dent in his life while he sat around and babysat her, and she hadn't even noticed.

FF_2154210_ - 29/09/2011 02:34:00 AM


	10. What have I become?

**10. What have I become?**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Valentines' Day. Bella stood there with the box of candied hearts Jake had given her in her hand and she felt stupid and awkward. She found herself inviting Jake to the movies on the Friday with her school friends. Of course she didn't take any note of the date. It was just another day. Nothing to celebrate.<p>

And of course, the movie night was a disaster. It ended up with just her, Jake and Mike. Everyone else was ill with the stomach flu, or ran away at the suggestion that she had been involved in the organisation of it.

Jake watched Mike as he drove up in his Suburban.

"Oh, I remember this guy," he commented in a low voice. "This is the guy who thinks he is your boyfriend."

And what did that make Jake? She idly wondered. She said nothing.

And then when poor Mike was struck down by the stomach flu that everyone else had been afflicted with, Jake cornered her on the stairs and talked about forbidden subjects. Like liking her more than anyone else. And about _her_ liking him, more than anyone else. He didn't say he was in love with her, but it was the impression she got. He told her he would be annoyingly persistent. That he had loads of time.

"It means something different to me than it does to you," she blustered at him, as he held her hand imprisoned in his much larger, warmer one. Just like Sam was warm, she thought.

They managed to get Mike into the Rabbit with a large popcorn tub for him to throw up in. Jake wound down the windows and put his arm around her when he realised she was cold.

She was consumed by guilt in the car. She was encouraging Jacob; well she wasn't **dis**couraging him hard enough. How could she explain to him that she was like an empty shell of a house? She had been uninhabitable for months. The front had been fixed up, but she still wasn't in working order. She wasn't up for visitors.

She was like _their_ house; and Sam had fixed that up. Had Sam fixed up her front too? Oh now, that was a thought.

Jake's fever was out of control by the time they got back from dropping Mike off at his house. In his fevered state, Jake promised to never hurt her and to never let her down. She cringed, not because he truly meant it, but because she had the overwhelming feeling that **she** would let him down. That **she** would hurt him far worse than he would ever hurt her.

He promised to phone when he got home and when he didn't, she phoned Billy. He sounded very odd. He said Jake was there but that he couldn't come to the phone. By then she was feeling unwell herself.

She spent the next twenty four hours hugging the toilet bowl and throwing up. By Sunday night, once her stomach had settled, she rang Jacob. He answered, but he still sounded ill; his voice cracking and breaking.

"What's wrong with you, Jake if you don't have the stomach flu?"

"Everything. Every part of me hurts."

"What can I do? What can I bring you?"

"Nothing. You **can't** come here." He sounded odd. "I'll tell you when you can come down again." He sounded strange and bitter.

"Bye, Jacob."

"Bella." He just whispered her name instead of saying goodbye.

She had a bad feeling about this.

8888888888888

Sam was hurting again.

Jake had phased.

And he was spectacularly unhappy about the whole thing. And he was so **angry**.

Being the true alpha he had got himself human again, remarkably quickly. Less than a day. He was a fucking natural. It had taken Sam two whole weeks. He tried hard not to begrudge him for it. He shouldn't have phased in the first place. They hadn't seen a vampire for months.

He almost fought with Sam. Sam had to discipline him harder than he had ever had to do with anyone else. Bite his ears and push his wolf face into the forest floor and hold him down until he promised to obey him. And Jake resented him. Sam had stolen his friend Embry, followed him around for months, freaked him out and now he knew why, he was even **more** freaked out.

The cult Jake had imagined was not even close to the reality.

And then in Sam's memories he saw a glimpse of Bella and Sam at the Cullen house and he went berserk. Stupid fucking pack mind.

She had never mentioned it to him and he thought he was her friend. Her **best** friend.

Sam argued that she just needed someone to talk to. And if she wanted him to know about it, she would have told him. He also argued that Jake probably had secrets he didn't tell her, either.

"What do you care?" Jake screamed at him.

And for that, Sam didn't have an answer. Not one that he could give Jake at any rate. Not one that he even admitted to himself. My wolf likes her? And she has kind of grown on me. She made me laugh. It wasn't reason enough to keep inserting himself into her life. I saved her life and now I feel responsible for her?

Bella kept phoning the Black house and Jake was so furious, he refused to speak to her. He was quite capable of doing so, but he was still angry with her. He was influenced by the wolf now, and his wolf saw Sam as a rival. The wolf thought that Sam had taken _his_ alpha position. He was a rival for the pack and for Bella. But human Jake was truly unready for either battle. And Sam was smart enough to avoid it becoming a battle. Jake just wasn't ready and Sam did not want to kill him.

Jake had found out about imprinting and now he was frightened to see Bella; frightened to imprint on her or worse, to **not**. He was a nervous sixteen year old boy and he didn't know what to do. His memories were full of his promise not to hurt her. A promise he had broken the next day when he had abandoned her. And he broke that promise again, every day that he didn't phone her back.

Sam kept telling him to speak to her, at least on the phone, but Jake refused. And Sam wasn't going to order him. He had to order him **not** to tell her about the pack, though; that was a given. It wasn't Jake's secret to tell.

Shadow was unhappy that Bella had lost her friend. They knew how much she liked Jake. And how betrayed she would feel by his refusal to talk to her. And Sam was so busy now. He didn't have time to visit their house.

The only good thing to come out of all this crap was that Embry was happier now.

Somehow Emily found out about his interest in Bella Swan. He thought she might have overheard him and Jake talking about her one day. She demanded to know what this girl had to do with Her Sam. He argued that he was just taking an interest in her because he had found her back in September, when she was lost in the woods. Emily must remember that night? The night the Cullens left. And he was concerned for her well being.

Emily didn't like it. She shoved him away, pushed him physically and called him a liar, saying that he was running away from his responsibilities just like his father had. That he was turning into Joshua Uley.

That, for Sam was a very low blow; he **hated** his father. When she saw how much he hated the comparison, it became her favourite thing to do. She took every opportunity to point out that he was becoming his father. She tracked down all the La Push gossips and made them muffins and cups of tea and steered them carefully in the direction of Joshua Uley.

It was all more ammunition for her to fire at Sam.

It was all bullshit. Sam didn't drink, didn't whore around and didn't gamble. He wasn't anything like his father. Christ did she want him to kill her this time? If she kept pushing his buttons like this, he couldn't be held responsible for what would happen.

Sam was so busy; he didn't get time to go the Cullen house. He heard her truck roaring up the road. Jared and Paul gave him worried expressions. They knew he had been so much more relaxed after those gardening sessions. They didn't understand why he was doing it either, but they knew he enjoyed it. And they knew how he really felt about Emily.

After Jared had imprinted on Kim, they had all seen just how a **real** imprint should behave. And it wasn't anything like the way Emily behaved. Jared was the centre of Kim's world; she would do anything for him. She had adored him before he imprinted on her, but now she was ecstatic and nothing Jared asked was too much. She had proven to have a spine of steel where he was concerned. She almost fought off girls she perceived to be rivals. And Jared was so happy.

Sam was actually impressed. But he worried. Surely Kim was the aberration? It was just that she was SO in love with Jared first. That was why she was so good for him. Surely that was it? He couldn't bring himself to believe that Emily was that **bad** as an imprint. Surely it was that he didn't like her. It was his fault somehow. It must be.

And Kim didn't like Emily. She saw right through her, the first muffin and tea afternoon that Emily organised for them to get to know each other better. And Jared split away from them to be with his imprint. But that meant that Sam had lost Jared, his best friend, because Jared spent less time at Sam's house and more at Kim's. Sam didn't blame him; he would have done the same.

But it hurt.

888888888

Bella was bereft. She had been getting better. But now she had lost Jake. She had lost Sam. She had lost _him_.

She checked the phone every afternoon after school for messages from Jake and got more disappointed each time there wasn't one. The Jake she knew would have found a way to get around Billy's stupid rules; she knew he would have. At least she thought it was Billy who was stopping him from calling her. Billy kept making weird excuses for him. Mono and all.

She told herself she would give him until Saturday. If he hadn't rung, she would call him.

By Wednesday, she was half insane and thinking she couldn't live until Saturday.

She didn't know Sam's number.

She spent significant time each day, hunched over, clutching her sides together and gasping for air. The hole got worse.

When Saturday finally dawned and she rang the Black house, Billy answered and happily assured her that Jake had gone to the movies with friends. It wasn't mono after all.

What the hell? Charlie was fishing and she was alone. Again.

In her desperate need, she went into a kind of regression. She remembered how she had wanted to find the meadow; to hear _his_ voice again. She knew about the freaky bears in the woods, and Charlie had told her about the missing hikers but she decided to do it anyway.

Clearing up _their_ house was not enough for her anymore. It hadn't been for a while. She thought that it was Sam and the easy way she could talk to him that had really kept her going there.

She hadn't realised that until he wasn't there anymore.

So she wanted what had worked for her before. _His_ voice. Surely she could hear _him_ in the meadow. It was their place.

So she asked Mike how to find something in the forest. He asked her what it was. She felt odd to share it with him, but he needed to know the scale. She told him about a clearing she had been to. Full of wildflowers. He showed her a map and drew out a grid pattern for her. He was so excited to show her how to follow a compass bearing. He also gave her the benefit of the advice he had from customers about where a clearing was. He even suggested she look at Google maps and see if she could see it on a photo. If it was a big clearing, it should show up like a sore thumb.

Saturday the 28th Harry Clearwater told Charlie that he had been having heart problems. He was whinging about the amount of 'rabbit food' Sue expected him to eat these days. He also mentioned that Jake had mono.

Bella didn't believe it by then. People with mono could talk on the phone. And Billy had said he was out and didn't have mono. They couldn't even get their stories straight.

She decided she would give him one more week and then she would go out to La Push herself and confront him. He had promised her. He had promised he wouldn't hurt her and then the next day, he went weird. The next day.

She asked Charlie about Sam, as someone who would have a different point of view. Charlie told her how he had heard that Sam had scared off a guy who was selling drugs to school kids on the rez. Charlie was really impressed. He said the rez needed someone who cared about the community. Bella suggested carefully that he sounded a little like a vigilante, but Charlie defended him and launched into a lecture about how drugs were bad for everyone.

It didn't sound like the cult Jake had complained about. It didn't sound like the Sam she knew.

In the meantime, she kept looking for the meadow. It took her a couple of days.

She heard _his_ voice, but not in the way she expected. There **was** a vampire in their meadow; but it was Laurent. The friend of James and Victoria.

88888888

"Laurent," she called in her surprised pleasure.

"Bella?" he replied; quizzical.

She felt irrationally happy that such an eternal creature should bother to remember her name.

It took her some time, and some conversation to realise that Laurent may have been living with Carlisle's friends in Alaska but his eyes were red and he knew that the Cullens were gone and she was alone. She was just so pleased to see a vampire she stupidly didn't put it together. He wasn't a vegie vamp anymore.

She heard_ his_ voice, it told her to lie; it told her to threaten him, not to run; it would just set off the predator in him. She actually managed to say _his_ name for the first time in months without falling apart.

And then Laurent said something that did surprise her. He said that Victoria had asked him to come and check on her.

"Victoria is put out with you," he said. "James was her mate and your Edward killed him."

The name tore the hole inside her asunder.

He prattled on some more about how Victoria would be angry with him for killing her. She tried to hold herself together. She prayed that Edward would save her.

But he didn't.

His voice just told her to beg and that did nothing. As if vampires haven't heard people beg a hundred; a thousand times before?

Laurent sniffed at her and inhaled the scent of her hair as it blew towards him.

"Mouth-watering," he gushed. Edward roared futilely in her head. For all his supposed love and adoration; and his lectures on how she ought to behave, he couldn't save her now.

But then Laurent's head whipped abruptly to the left and he backed away from her.

"I don't believe it," he whispered.

A huge black shape eased out of the trees, quiet as a shadow. It stalked deliberately towards the vampire. It was as big as a horse, but thicker and more muscular.

And she knew she had seen it before. Somewhere…

Edward's ineffectual voice fell silent. How could he help her now?

The creature snarled. The noise rolled out of its long muzzle and rumbled across the clearing like thunder.

She knew this creature. But not like this. She knew it… as a wet, dark nose and a snuffling concern for a lost girl.

It was the creature of her nightmares. The shadow of her dreams.

The wolf's eyes flicked to her and back to the quickly retreating vampire. He growled again. Then another two wolves joined him and then another two. They formed a V like a squadron of five. The last to emerge was a rusty brown wolf and it was so close to her, it made her take a step back. It gazed at her with dark intelligent eyes and she thought of Jacob for some reason.

The clear leader, the black wolf, growled again and the russet wolf whipped its head back towards Laurent.

She waited for the vampire to attack; to tear them apart. But he didn't. He ran.

He ran _away._

And they chased him, snapping and snarling loud enough for her to fling her hands over her ears and collapse to the ground.

She lay there in some kind of shock.

She had come to the meadow to hear something and she had; but not in the way she had intended. She had come looking for a vampire and she had found one. Edward had proved spectacularly unhelpful in reality. Laurent was right. He _**had**_ left her alone and defenceless. The voice in her head didn't save her from visits to the ER and it didn't save her from anything real.

Because the voice in her head wasn't real.

The thoughts clanged in her head like a church bell.

Reality.

She had nearly been eaten.

Eaten.

Consumed.

Dead.

Gone.

She would have been 'another missing hiker'.

Oh, dear god. The missing hikers. Was it Laurent? Was he alone? He had mentioned Victoria. Was she here with him? Is that who was killing the hikers, not the 'bears'.

And a creature from her dreams had saved her. **Really** saved her.

She scrambled to her feet. She was so panicked and so frightened that it took her three times longer to get back to her truck. She couldn't hold the compass still enough to get an actual bearing without her hand shaking. She sobbed in relief when she saw the road and then could follow it back to the truck. She sped, as fast as her truck would allow it, towards the main road. Towards sanity and the real world.

She locked the doors when she got inside and mumbled excuses to Charlie about being held up with Jessica. She lay in her bed and thought about what Laurent had said. Victoria blamed her. It was irrational and stupid. Weird vampire logic. Edward didn't love her. He had left and made his whole family move. How could Victoria killing her matter to him? He had left her, even if his reasons for leaving didn't make sense to her now.

She had thought of _him_ without falling apart, she noticed.

The only thing that was clear, was that the black wolf of her lost nightmare had become her saviour. He had saved her again.

That night, Sam Uley was not in her dreams; the black wolf was. And she welcomed him. He was no longer malevolent; he was protective. Now she knew that he guarded her in her dreams.

FF_2154210_ - 30/09/2011 02:29:00 AM


	11. My sweetest friend

**11. My sweetest friend**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Did she tell Charlie about the giant wolves? She supposed she ought to, so she did.<p>

Did they survive the encounter with the vampire? She knew how strong; how indestructible vampires were. But she felt comforted by the thought that the big wolves might have caught him and torn him apart.

She even had an image of how she imagined it would look in her head.

If only the wolves could have won such a fight.

They couldn't? Could they?

But then she remembered that Laurent had run. Away from the wolves. He hadn't even taken her as a snack; take out. He had said she was mouth watering and then left her behind. He was frightened of the wolves. And he hadn't come back for her.

What kind of wolves was a vampire frightened of?

She fell asleep eventually, but dreamed of Victoria with black eyes and her brilliant red hair blowing around her face.

Her behaviour went backwards. She was jumpy and nervous; expecting to be attacked at any minute. Charlie noticed. But he kept asking questions about Jake and if she had made contact with him. She hadn't. Charlie must have put her odd behaviour down to something going on with Jake.

**Monday**. Nothing.

**Tuesday**. She rang the Black house and no one answered at all; not even Billy. She sat in the truck for an hour with the doors locked before she drove out to _their_ house again. She was terrified of running into Victoria or Laurent, but she needed to see Sam. There was nobody there.

She was about to leave and start driving back down the long driveway, when he came jogging out of the forest calling out her name. He banged on the front bonnet of the truck and gave her quite a shock.

She looked at him and then she squealed. "Sam!" She threw herself out of the truck.

She threw herself at him.

And he caught her.

They stood there for a beat, with their arms around each other and then he let her go and pushed at the top of her shoulders. She backed off. She was suddenly embarrassed. Her hands flapping with her anxiety.

"God, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to do that," she apologised. She suddenly wondered if he had a girlfriend.

He just ignored her. He was scanning her from head to foot. "Are you okay?"

"Am I okay? Why?"

He shrugged. "No reason…"

She frowned. The truck was still idling. She went to turn the motor off and shut the door. She studied him. He didn't look any different.

"You haven't been here," she chided. She hated how needy and whiny she sounded.

"No. Busy."

Of course he was busy. He was a 'gang' leader. She had kind of forgotten that.

"Oh yes," she snarked. "With your gang."

He gave her a look. "Bella," he reprimanded.

"I'm sorry," she apologised. "I… just… no… yeah…"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she lied.

"You're not sleeping again…"

"How would you know?" she interrupted.

"Look at you… big bags under your eyes. You're jumpy and nervous and … twitchy," he finished. Truth was, that occasionally he watched her outside her house, but she didn't know that. He hated hearing her scream in her sleep. But he couldn't do it every night. He got into trouble.

She just looked at him. She was mute; what could she tell him? I saw a vampire but it wasn't the one I was hoping for? He'd think she was insane. Vampires.

"I hear _him_… you remember, I told you that?"

He nodded.

"And I thought it helped… but now… I'm not so sure… I mean, _**he**_ didn't help me, when I needed him… something else did." Yeah, freakishly huge feral wolves. But she couldn't tell him **that**. "And I'm kind of… disappointed," she confessed.

"Your hero… wasn't heroic," he stated.

"Yes, I suppose so." She looked at the ground. "It makes him kind of tarnished… I suppose." Useless.

"Your knight in tarnished armour?" quipped Sam.

She smiled at him. "Very clever."

They stood there awkwardly.

"But you got the help you needed?" he asked. It sounded like he thought she had gone to counselling or something.

"Yes… yes, I think I did." She didn't get eaten, after all. "And I'm worried about Jake. He's supposed to be sick, but I don't think he is." She was really doubtful about asking Sam; Jake had seemed scared of him, but she wasn't. He was nice to her. "He's avoiding me and I don't know why." Gosh, she sounded really whiny now. "Have you seen him?" she looked at his face so eagerly.

"Yes." He wondered why he couldn't lie to her. He even knew the truth would hurt her.

"Really?"

"He's not sick," he added. "Or if he was, he's better now."

So Jake was just avoiding her? She sighed. "He's supposed to be my friend."

Sam said nothing. She thought that she didn't ask him much about **his** life. "What about you?"

He quirked an eyebrow. "Me?" For a second he thought she was asking if **he** was her friend.

"Yeah… are you okay?" she asked tentatively. She still hadn't quite worked out why he came here. Presumably, he got something out of it.

He gave a small half smile. "I'm okay."

"You never tell me about yourself," she pointed out.

"No."

She blinked. Guess that was it then, the tall silent type again, huh.

"Sam…" she reached a hand out to touch him; to make some kind of physical contact with him. He stepped back. Her hand dropped before she touched him. She got the message. No touching.

"I should go," he said.

"Okay," she agreed. "Thanks."

He didn't say anything, just nodded. Then his head jerked at her truck.

"I'm going," she grizzled at him.

It only occurred to her later that he had watched her drive away, when **he** was the one who said he had to go.

88888888888888

She went to school but she sulked over Jake. He was supposed to be her best friend. Why was he avoiding her?

She was driving home from school when she just made the decision to go out to La Push and force the issue. It had been a week since she had seen Laurent and she was still alive. She knew time moved differently for vampires, so may be she was on Victoria's and Laurent's 'to-do' list, but just not this week. It could take them months to get around to eating her.

She could risk driving to La Push. Through the forest. For Jake. He was her best friend.

She ran the police station and left a message with Deputy Steve. Just in case she didn't make it.

As she was motoring along the road she saw a figure at the side of the road and her heart leapt for a second, but then she thought he was too wide to be Jake. She thought it might be Quil but he looked much bigger than the last time she had seen him. And he had been big enough before.

She pulled over and offered him a lift. He looked bleak, dull and worried. It frightened her. He said he had seen Jake and Embry and that they had run off into the forest with Sam's crew. Quil was frightened he was going to be next to join the cult. Sam frightened him too, the way he had frightened Jake before. His parents were no help either; his grandfather was on the tribal council and thought Sam Uley was the best thing that had ever happened to the place.

She dropped him at the shop with no real answers and an awful lot more questions.

Then she drove to the Black house and parked outside. She saw Billy look through the window and she waved cheerfully at him. For once, she didn't have a book to read. She scribbled on a piece of paper and wound the window down when it got stuffy.

There was a tap at the door that made her jump. She looked up to see Jacob. He stared at her intently for a beat and then his whole face seemed to harden.

"What are you doing here?" he growled at her.

She just stared at him without answering. He was so different. He had cut off his long hair. His body was bigger, thicker, and more muscular. The veins and tendons stood out in his arms and hands where they rested on the doorframe.

But his face. He looked serious and angry.

He was huge. He looked like Sam.

And as if by thinking his name, she had conjured him, she realised Jake wasn't alone. Behind him stood four others. They looked like carbon copies of each other. Or brothers.

Her eyes were drawn to Sam. He looked quiet. He looked uninvolved and she didn't know how that could be.

She felt bile rise in her throat. The hole in her chest ached.

"Bella," Jake spoke, regaining her attention. "What… do… you… want?" He almost spat the words at her.

"I want to talk to you," she spat back. She had come to speak to her friend and she was determined to do that.

"ALONE," she added.

All the men looked at Sam. He nodded and said something in a language she presumed was Quileute. He didn't look at her.

Sam turned, looked at the ground and walked into Jake's house. The others followed him. They all had that easy physical grace she had noticed before.

"Can we walk?" she asked Jake. She didn't want to do this with Sam able to watch from the house.

She got out of the truck and headed towards the forest. She had the idea that the trees would hide them somehow. Jake strode ahead of her silently then spun on his heel and stopped in front of her. It was so innately graceful, so unlike the old Jake who was nearly as clutzy as she was. He looked like them; like the others.

"Let's get this over with," he bit out.

She didn't know what to say to that, so she waited for him to speak first.

"It's not what you think," he barked at her.

"So what is it, then?"

"I can't tell you."

She snorted. "I thought we were friends."

"We were." Past tense. Ouch. That hurt. The hole inside her pulsed.

"Sam," she muttered.

"This isn't Sam's fault. He's helping as much as he can," Jake denied. It hadn't been a question but Jake took it as such.

He looked so tortured she wanted to hug him, like the day by the cliffs. She reached for him but he stepped back, just like Sam had the day before.

"Don't touch me," Jake whispered.

She started to cry. "Is Sam catching?" she asked. She wasn't sure if she meant his refusal to touch her was catching, or something else.

"Don't blame Sam," he stated.

"Who should I blame then?"

He gave her a bleak smile. "You don't want to hear that."

"The hell I don't!"

"Why don't you blame the filthy blood suckers you love so much?"

**The pain. **

The hole inside her ripped asunder and flooded her body with pain. She couldn't breathe. All the colour faded from her face.

"Told ya," he snapped at her.

"I don't understand who you mean…" she blustered.

He snorted in disbelief. "You _know_."

"No I don't." She tried for dignified.

"The …Cullens." He spoke carefully and succinctly.

"They left ages ago, how can you blame them for what Sam is doing now?"

"Sam? **Sam's** not doing anything. I told you that. The damage has been done."

"I don't understand," she wailed.

"I have to go," Jake barked at her and turned and jogged back towards the truck.

She scurried after him. "Wait," she begged. She couldn't lose Jake too. She was so confused. Why was Sam acting like he didn't know her? Why was Jake rejecting her?

"Go home, Bella," Jake ordered.

"**What?"**

"Go… home. I can't hang out with you anymore."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

He snorted derisively. "I'm… sorry… Bella." he said it slowly and clearly, enunciating each word, as if she wouldn't understand otherwise.

"I need you," she begged.

"I **can't**," he bit out.

She glanced towards the house. The house where she knew Sam was hiding. She didn't understand. She stood there and she cried and she sobbed and she babbled on about not liking Jake the way she knew that he wanted her to, and his face went from angry to distraught.

"Please Bella. Don't blame yourself. I know what I am," he mumbled. And then he turned and ran from her.

She stood there staring after him. There was not a sign of movement inside the house. No curtain lifted. No one came out to ask if she was okay. She couldn't believe all those massive men fitted inside Jake's little house.

"Sam?" she whispered. She stood there and cried. Her arms clutched around her midriff, holding her body together. And then Billy came out and told her to just go home. He said he had already rung Charlie and told him she was on her way.

She did go, but she had no idea how she made it. She should not have made that drive in the condition she was.

Charlie helped her out of the truck. She was robotic. Lifeless. Again.

When he asked her what had happened, she just wailed, "Jake says he can't be my friend anymore."

She heard Charlie arguing with Billy on the phone, but she just went to bed.

888888888888

Inside the Black house, Jake had locked himself in his room and they all knew he was crying.

Sam sat on the lounge with his head in his hands. His shoulders were shaking. He was working very hard to literally keep himself together. Jared and Paul stood at his shoulders and patted him. Hard. It was an odd way to calm a man, more the way you would calm a horse.

Embry was watching silently.

"She'll be okay," Jared said quietly.

"You don't understand," Sam stated.

Truthfully, none of them did.

Paul spoke. "Jake's smart. He'll find a way to go to her tonight. You'll have to order him not to."

"I hate orders."

"We know," they agreed.

There was silence for a minute.

Embry was watching and thinking. He knew Jake was devastated when he didn't imprint on Bella in the meadow. He was so set that an imprint was going to happen and on Bella Swan. He then decided it would happen when he was human. And it hadn't. He had stared at her intently through her truck window and it had **not** happened. That was why his face had hardened, but she couldn't know that.

And then he had told her he wasn't her friend and wouldn't see her again.

"What is going on?" Embry asked.

Sam looked up at him. He sighed. "My wolf… likes Bella. He wants to check on her… ever since that night when he found her in the woods."

"She doesn't know about the wolves," Embry stated.

"She saw him," added Paul with a nod at Sam. "She saw your wolf that night."

"So she knows at some level. She just hasn't put it together yet. And she saw him again in the meadow," Jared pointed out. "She saw us all."

"She's smart," said Sam. "Won't take her long to work it out."

"And she's the leech lover," said Paul. "It's not like she hasn't dealt with the supernatural before. She'll get it faster than anyone else."

"Fuck," said Sam.

"You've got an imprint," Embry pointed out needlessly.

"You think I don't know that?" Sam stated.

"Christ! Have you met Emily," snarked Paul.

Sam growled at him. His compulsion to protect her existed, even if he didn't like her himself. He couldn't let the pack disrespect her.

"Sorry Sam," Paul apologised quickly.

Sam wasn't sure if he meant, he was sorry for dissing her or he was sorry she was his imprint. "S'ok," he muttered.

"I didn't imprint on her." Jake was standing in the hallway. "I really thought I would."

Sam wouldn't wish an imprint on anyone, but he got why Jake had wanted one. And on Bella. He loved her. They all knew he loved her. Christ, his head was just full of her.

"You have to go see her, Sam," Jake begged. "She's really upset. I don't know what she might do. I'm worried about her." He paused. "I'll stay away, if **you** talk to her. Tonight." And then as if it killed him, Jake added, "She likes you. She talks to you. She kept you a secret from me. You must matter to her."

Sam sighed. Emily would fucking kill him. But his heart hurt for the girl he had ignored. They had all heard that tiny heartbroken whisper of his name.

FF_2154210_ - 30/09/2011 06:30:00 PM


	12. Everyone I know

**12. Everyone I know.**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Bella changed into her pyjamas and crawled into her bed. She just lay there. It took everything she had, just to keep breathing. She was utterly destroyed. Jake and Sam weren't fixing the hole inside her; they had just been carving out their own. And they all ached now. She was so riddled with cavities, she felt like Swiss cheese. She was more nothing than something; she was like space. Empty and dark, with little spots of matter here and there.<p>

She lay there and she cried herself to sleep.

It was a new dream tonight. She was walking in the forest, the rain was falling and the undergrowth was crunching under her feet. Jake walked silently next to her. His feet made no noise in the forest. But it wasn't _her_ Jake. It was the new, larger, harsher Jake. The way he moved and walked reminded her of someone else, and as she watched him, he morphed and changed. He changed into Sam. She reached for him and he took a step back. Reminiscent of the way Sam had done at the Cullen house. And then he got larger, blacker, and fuzzier on the edges. He turned into a shadow and he just disappeared.

She woke up crying.

As she lay there with her tears running down her cheeks, she heard her bedroom door creak. She glanced at it quickly. Her heart leapt into her mouth. Victoria was coming for her. She knew it. She almost panicked.

A large dark shape crept into her room, closing the door silently behind it.

No hair. The shape had short hair. It couldn't be Victoria. She made some small noise; she wasn't sure if it was relief or shock.

"Shhh." An almost silent whisper.

It seemed familiar. Something about the way it moved reminded her of the dream she had just come out of.

"Sam?" she hissed.

"Shhh."

She was suddenly furious. She sat up in her bed, wiping angrily at her tear stained cheeks. "Did you break into my house?" If he could, anyone could. Anyone. Like a red haired vampire. Who was she kidding? A locked door didn't stop a vampire. They could smash through a wall if they wanted to. And they didn't need permission to enter your house, the way they always wrote it in the books.

He ignored her and kept moving towards her bed.

"Get out!" she hissed at him, putting as much venom as she could into the hiss.

"No."

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom in the middle of the night?" she whisper-screeched at him.

"I came to apologise."

"I don't _accept_ it."

He approached her bed. He sat carefully on the edge; she backed away from him now. Odd when she had wanted to touch him so badly, earlier that day. Her back pressed up against the head board. He looked utterly massive, towering over her. Her heart pounded and she felt like she was going to faint. Somehow he knew.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Why in the world would I be okay?" She leaned over and put the lamp on.

Sam blinked quickly at the light. "Yeah… sorry. That was awful today," he muttered.

"You looked _really_ upset," she noted sarcastically.

"I'm sorry and Jake is sorry too."

"I don't understand, Sam." She really didn't, but she had been hurt by his refusal to acknowledge her. "You acted like you didn't know me," she accused.

"And that was wrong."

"You were weird, Jake was weird. Even Billy has been avoiding me. And you have all been lying to me. I just know it."

Silence.

"Tell me what's going on, Sam."

"I … can't."

"Can't? Or won't?"

He sighed heavily. "Can't," he muttered.

He was half dressed as always; only a pair of shorts on.

"I thought you were helping me… I thought you c-cared." She started to cry again. She was surprised she had any tears left to cry.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"So you keep saying." She remembered the nightmare where his callousness and indifference had made her scream. She felt like screaming at him now.

He looked at her. His dark eyes were concerned. He was worried about her. That was why he was here.

She wiped at her cheeks again. He silently passed her the box of tissues from the side table. She tore some out of it angrily.

"I keep dreaming about you," she confessed. She had no idea why she was telling him this. Perhaps she had got used to talking to him at the house. "One dream, you ignored me…" she sniffed. "…and _then_ I started screaming. You were just standing in the forest **not** helping me. And that made me scream, Sam."

"Oh, Bella." His own voice cracked.

"Really scream. I mean… really… I've been waking Charlie almost every night… screaming in my sleep." She blew her nose. "It's a wonder he hasn't had me committed." She uttered a bitter laugh. "He can almost sleep through it now. How ugly is that? That my own father has got so used to his daughter screaming in her dreams, that he can sleep through it?"

"He really did you over, didn't he?"

"He did? Or you and Jake did?"

"I'm sorry."

"Noted. Now go."

"You're not going to do anything stupid?" he asked.

That reminded her oddly of Edward. "I don't believe you have any right to ask me that."

"No," he breathed. "I guess not."

Silence. He still hadn't moved.

"Get out Sam. Get off my bed and get out."

"But…" he started.

"You **won't** tell me anything… you just break into my house and frighten me… you tell me nothing… and you have no right to be here…"

"I… want to be your friend," he confessed.

That shocked her. She had nothing in common with this man. He was twenty; she was eighteen. But he seemed so much older, as if he was more mature or had been through something hard. Like Jacob looked now; so much older.

"I had a friend," she said. "I lost him today, because of you. Because of some reason that I don't understand." She picked at her sheet with her fingers.

"Jake was upset about something else, he wasn't angry with you," Sam tried to explain.

"Yeah? I didn't really get that," she muttered. "He seemed pretty angry with me."

"I can still be your friend," he offered.

"Friends don't break into other friend's bedrooms," she stated.

"They do if they are worried about them," he said in a low voice. He laid his hand over hers quickly and then in a surprisingly silent move, he stood, turned and was gone.

His hand was so warm; so rough like a working man's hand. But so warm.

She hugged her hand in against her chest. Keeping it to herself.

After a while she got up and compulsively checked every door and window in the house. They were all locked. She couldn't work out how he had got in.

88888888888888

She went back to bed and thought she would lay there awake for the rest of the night, but eventually she was emotionally exhausted enough to fall asleep.

Maybe it was because the dream was still so vivid in her mind, but she just fell easily back into that dream world again. But instead of being lost in the forest near her home, this time she was in the La Push forest. She could smell the brine of the ocean; the under scent of the whole reservation. She wandered, searching as she always did in her forest dreams. But it seemed to be more habitual than necessary. It wasn't even the forest she normally searched through.

What was she looking for here?

Then she saw Jake. She grabbed him by the hand and she tugged at him. It was little Jake, her round-faced friend. With his long, straight, beautiful hair.

"Quick," she hissed at him in her dream. "We have to run. We have to run away."

"From Sam?" dream Jake asked. He looked confused.

She looked and there, standing behind them was Sam. Older Sam. The dark, angry looking one. And then as she watched, he went out of focus. He got black and fuzzy on the edges as he often did in her dreams. But then the process continued to completion and suddenly, instead of Sam, there was a massive black wolf standing there looking at them both. The wolf from her lost night; the wolf from the meadow.

She knew the wolf had saved her before, but he frightened her now. He was so huge and she felt that somehow, she had to save Jake from him.

She tried to drag Jake away, but he fell to the ground.

"Run Bells," he screamed at her.

"No, I won't leave you." She was still trying to hold his hand and drag him with her. Little Jake was her friend and she had to take him with her.

But he writhed and twitched and his hair oddly, got shorter and then he went out of focus too. And he turned into a russet coloured wolf. Almost as large as the black wolf Sam had become.

And suddenly she knew.

She knew their secret and why they couldn't tell her.

She woke screaming again.

Her mind fitted the pieces together. The tribal legends Jake had told her about, came together with the things she had seen for herself. And added to that, the fact that there was the same number in the wolf pack she had seen in the meadow, as there was in Sam's gang. And they all moved in that weird utterly physical way.

"Werewolves," she spat out.

FF_2154210_ - 2/10/2011 12:56:00 PM


	13. Goes away in the end

**13. Goes away in the end**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday morning. <strong>She desperately wanted to go out and confront Jake and tell him it was okay, that she had guessed his secret. That she knew he was a werewolf. Just like the tribal legends he had told her about, all those months ago on First Beach. But she didn't know what to do. He had been so angry with her and so different. He had told her he couldn't be her friend any more. Could she really talk to him now?

She choked down some cereal and a hot coffee for her own breakfast, while she thought about it some more. Sam had said he _wanted_ to be her friend. Sam was part of this. He even seemed to be their leader. He was the black wolf at the front of their V formation. She should speak to him.

She had to look up Sam Uley's phone number. She grumbled to herself that it was typical; break into your house and demand to be your friend… but leave you a contact number? No way. She wrote it out and waited until it was a little after breakfast.

She was busy sorting through, in her head, exactly what she was going to say to him, when the phone was answered.

By a woman. A young woman.

"Uley residence. Hello…"

Silence.

She couldn't speak. She couldn't even breathe. She didn't make a single sound.

"Hello…" the woman repeated, irritated now. Then she snapped, "Don't eat all the bacon, Sam." And then she hung up.

Bella felt as plainly gutted as when _his_ name caused the hole inside her to pulse. She collapsed onto a kitchen chair. Sam lived with a woman.

She breathed. She held herself together, literally. Her arms wrapped around her centre.

She tried to think. Maybe it was his mother or his sister? He didn't wear a wedding ring, but she knew the Quileute didn't usually.

And what did she care?

_What did __**she**__ care?_

What was _he_ doing, coming into her bedroom at night with whispers, and comfort and warm hands and offers to be her friend? And saying he was worried about her. That he was thinking of her. And passing her tissues when she cried?

Maybe it was his sister?

Maybe.

She sounded irritated with him enough to be a sister.

Jake.

Jake would know. Even if he was being weird; he would know.

Charlie walked in to the kitchen just as she grabbed her bag and her keys. She muttered something at Charlie about going to Jake's.

"I thought he was _not_ allowed to be your friend," Charlie blustered.

"Don't care," she bit back and started to leave.

"Go straight there; don't stop on the road." He sounded oddly serious.

She halted. She looked at him. He was in full uniform; gun and all. "Why?"

Charlie looked nervous. "They found another hiker… but this time he was right near the road, and his wife said that she saw a huge silvery, grey wolf. Just like the ones you said you saw. Big, really big." He looked uneasy. "It's a kill shot now."

"Oh." She processed what Charlie had said. A kill shot? "I promise not to stop on the way." She was actually going to _visit_ the wolves, but Charlie didn't know that. She wondered which one of them the silver wolf was.

"Okay then. Be careful kiddo. Don't stop for anything and phone me when you get there."

"Sure, sure, Dad." They were going to shoot them. She really needed to go out to La Push now, to warn them.

She agonised as she drove. The werewolves were probably like the Cullens. Fighting to maintain control over their dual nature. _But dream Sam looked after you_. She couldn't imagine Sam or Jake or Embry eating people, but they had to be, didn't they? _The wolves saved you from Laurent. _Didn't they? What was the option? Was that what Jake meant when he had said 'Don't blame yourself. I know what I am.'

And she wanted to ask Jake about Sam. And the woman.

She pulled up at the Black house. She called Charlie on her cell to tell him she had arrived safely. She rapped on the door and Jake opened it.

He frowned at her. "What are you doing here?"

"I-I came to warn you…" he turned and walked away from her, back into the house. Evidently she had interrupted his breakfast, if the mixing bowl of cereal was any indication.

"Warn me…?" he asked. He still seemed angry with her, but she had to try. He hadn't even come out when he heard her truck and he must have heard it.

"Charlie is heading out into the woods with guns … hunting _wolves_…" she tried to stress the word.

Jake just looked at her and munched some cereal. But he said nothing.

"Big wolves…" she hinted. "**Giant** wolves."

"So you guessed." He seemed unsurprised. "We thought you might. Pffft… they're not gonna catch anything… they just make it harder for us…"

"Well, isn't that the point? They're trying to stop you…" from eating any more hikers, she didn't say.

He looked confused again. "They'll start disappearing soon enough… the hunters will…"

She was horrified. Her hand held over her mouth. "Jake," she gasped. "Charlie will be out there."

"What?"

"Could you try… **not** to be a werewolf…?" God that sounded awful, like those people who said you should try not to be gay.

He snorted derisively. "You are such a hypocrite."

"ME? How?"

"I'm sorry I'm not the _right_ kind of monster for you Bella."

"**What?** It's not you… it's what you **do** that I don't agree with…"

"**What?" **Now Jake was confused.

"Killing people… can't you find a way to live without hurting people?"

Jake's expression changed. "So you think we should eat… what? Tofu or something? Like your vegie vamps?"

"Yeah…" Her arms clutched around her stomach at the mention of them.

"So you're just scared because I'm a murderer? That's the only reason? Not that I'm a wolf part time." He looked interested in her reply.

"Isn't that reason enough?"

He started to laugh.

"Jacob Black, this is not funny!"

"Sure, sure," he agreed chortling. "Tofu," he repeated as if it was too ridiculous.

He stood and finally gave her one of his trademark rib crusher hugs. "You really don't mind that I morph into a giant dog?" he asked into her hair.

"No." Well she didn't.

They both apologised and she hugged him again. He assured her he was not a murderer. She had missed him hugging her. He was so big and so warm. And so familiar. She had really missed him.

"What about the others?" she asked tentatively. "What about Sam?"

He shook his head. "We're _protectors_, Bells. You remember the stories I told you about ages ago. About the cold ones?"

"Oh, sure, sure. So… what's happening in the woods?"

"We are trying to do our jobs and the hunters are just making it harder for us…"

"Protect them from what?"

"_**We**_ aren't killing the people Bella! There is only one thing we hunt… the cold ones… I thought **you** would realise that…. It's the only reason we exist."

Cold ones. Vampires. Of course. "Laurent," she whispered.

"Who?"

"You saw him in the meadow…"

"The Rastafarian? The guy with the dreadlocks? Was he a friend of yours?"

She shook her head.

"Cool…'cause we killed him." He frowned suddenly. "That doesn't count with the whole murder thing. Vampires are not people so they don't count."

"He's dead? Laurent is **dead**?"

"Yeah…"

"So if he died a week ago… w-who is k-killing people now?" She sounded vaguely hysterical.

"There were two of them… we got him, but she just keeps running away… if we could work out what she was after, it might make more sense. Sam thinks she is trying to separate us, to get past us for some reason…"

She stood suddenly, and rushed to the sink. She dry heaved over the sink. Jake massaged her shoulders and held her hair out of the way.

"Bella? What is going on…?"

"Me… she wants… me…" she finally managed to say when she could get enough air into her lungs.

"What the fuck?"

She rinsed her mouth out under the faucet. And then she sat at the Black kitchen table and she filled Jake in, on the story of Victoria and James and how she had come to their attention. The whole baseball game debacle and the eventual finish in the dance school building in Phoenix.

"So that's what he meant… that dude in the … what did you call it… meadow?"

"Yes, he said she was very angry with …." She **had** to get over this inability to say his name… "_Edward…_ and she thought killing me would suffice. Mate for mate Laurent said."

"So she doesn't know... _he_ isn't …around?"

"She knows. She doesn't seem to care."

"This is important. We have to tell the others."

"You mean… Sam?"

Jake looked like he was thinking. "I could phase and tell him, but I think Sam is at home this morning…"

Yes, she knew he was… eating all the bacon.

Jake leant back in his chair and snagged the phone; dialling a number from memory.

"Hey Emily, is Sam there?"

"Its Jake…" he sounded annoyed that she didn't recognise his voice. "Thanks…" he rolled his eyes at her. She got the impression he didn't like Emily.

"Sam, Bella is here… at my house… she says the red head wants her…"

He pulled the phone away quickly from his ear. "Jeez… I dunno… something about revenge or some shit… sure … where? Got it." And he hung up.

"Well," he announced. "Now you get to meet the pack."

"Uh huh." Instead of them all just staring at her.

"Sam wants us to meet on the road where I taught you to ride the bike, you remember where that is?"

She nodded. "The whole pack?" she checked.

"Yes, everyone…"

"Quil?" she asked.

Jake shook his head. "Not yet, at any rate. But he's hot enough to fry an egg on, his grandfather says. Won't be long now." Jake didn't look happy about that though.

She could find who or what Emily was to Sam later; Victoria took precedence now.

FF_2154210_ - 3/10/2011 04:53:00 AM


	14. You could have it all

**14. You could have it all**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>They drove in her truck to the spot where she had fallen and split her head open and babbled on about Jake being sort of beautiful. They alighted from the truck and waited. She studied Jake as they waited. He was just as physically beautiful as the four men who exited the forest and moved in a seamless, striking way to face them.<p>

Jake nodded at them in greeting but stayed next to Bella.

"So you guessed?" Sam asked.

She nodded. No 'hi' from him. Still being the leader, she guessed. There was no need to drop Jake in it for telling her the stories months ago.

Sam introduced them all with a wave for her. "Jared, Paul, and you know Embry. What's this about Jake?" Each man nodded at her, as he said their name.

"Bella says the redhead is after her in some kind of revenge attack. Evidently the Cullens took out her boyfriend last year. She's upset."

"Uh-huh," grunted Sam.

Bella was staring at the ground. She didn't know where to look. But then she could feel someone's eyes boring into her. She glanced up to see that the glare was coming from the guy Sam had introduced as Paul. But weirdly, his body was vibrating.

He noted her attention. "So **you** brought them here…" he spat at her.

"Me?" she squeaked.

"Leech lover," he spat at her. "People are dying because of you."

Both Jake and Sam growled at him, but he seemed unable to stop.

"Why is she more important than everything; than the whole tribe?" he demanded of Jake. "Than the people getting killed?" he yelled, throwing his arms in the air.

"She can help," Jake argued.

"Help? I'm sure the leech lover is just dying to help us out. She's just causing more problems." He appealed to Sam now, Bella noticed.

"Paul! RELAX!" Sam commanded. His voice sounded different when he said that.

Paul shook his head back and forth; as if he was trying to concentrate or to shake it off.

"Jeez, Paul. Get a grip," snarked Jared.

Jake took a step in front of Bella and that caught Paul's eye.

"Yeah right, protect _her_," he growled. His head threw back and a real growl tore from between his teeth. He fell forward, vibrating violently. Halfway to the ground there was a ripping, tearing noise and the boy exploded.

He turned into a giant dark silver wolf more than five times his original size. He growled at her again, but before he could move, Jake started towards him. He threw himself in the air. There was another ripping sound and a massive russet coloured wolf hit the gray one.

"Jacob," she screamed.

The red wolf pushed the silvery grey one towards the forest; shoving at him with its whole body. They snapped and snarled at each other.

"Don't move Bella," Sam shouted at her. "Stay where you are."

She glanced at Sam and he looked stricken. "Take her to Emily's," he ordered the others before pulling his shoes off and running after the two wolves. She could hear crashing sounds from the forest. As he darted into the trees, he was quivering from head to toe.

It was suddenly very quiet on the road. Then Embry started laughing. "Well," he said. "There's something you don't see every day."

"I do," grumbled Jared. "Every single day."

"Aww come on, Paul doesn't lose his temper every day. Maybe just two out of three."

Bella thought that he looked as if he was trying to get himself under control until Jared had a go at him. At least she knew which one was the silvery wolf now.

Both boys started collecting shreds of clothing and shoes. Removing the evidence.

Bella just stood there watching them as they continued to joke with each other. Embry ran into the forest and came back with some jean cut-offs over his shoulder. Clearly Sam had better control than the others. He picked up Sam's shoes and passed it all to her.

"I'd better drive," he announced. "Are you gonna puke?"

"No." But she sat down and put her head between her knees.

Jared chuckled. "Yeah Kim threw up too when she found out."

"Kim?"

"His girlfriend," Embry butted in.

Embry hoisted her one handed into the truck when she had regained her colour. He cheerfully drove to the village. Jared rode in the back, still convinced she was going to puke.

"So how did Jake get around it?" Embry asked as he drove.

"He didn't. I guessed."

"They thought you might. And guessing would get around the order. It's a tribal secret."

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"To Emily and Sam's house. She's Sam's girlfriend… I suppose…."

Bella didn't hear any more. She felt like throwing up again.

Embry noticed. "Hey, don't vomit. I've only got a ten and I can't afford to pay Jared if you blow."

She nodded and kept her face in the breeze from the open window. **Sam had a girlfriend.** So why was he offering to be her friend? Why did he care about her? Or had she just misjudged the whole thing? He really did want to just be her friend? Nothing more?

"Oh and don't stare at Emily, it bugs Sam."

She frowned. "Why would I stare?"

"Hanging out around werewolves has its risks," Embry muttered. "You just saw that."

The truck rumbled down a dirt lane. At the end of the lane was a tiny house that had once been gray. The door was a weathered blue colour. There was only one window at the front but the window box under it was full of bright orange and yellow marigolds. The whole house looked picture postcard perfect.

She cringed inside.

Inside it was worse. The front room, like Jake's house was mostly kitchen. The boys didn't knock.

A young woman with long straight black hair was standing by the sink. She was popping big muffins out of a tin and placing them on a paper plate. At first Bella thought she had been told not to stare because she was so pretty but then she turned towards her. The right side of her face was scarred from hairline to chin by three thick, red lines.

"Oh," she said surprised. "Who's this?"

"Bella Swan," Jared answered her carefully, as if she has been spoken of before.

She, presumably Emily, stared at her. Neither side of her face was friendly now. "I see," she muttered. She looked Bella up and down. "Where's Sam?" she asked without ceasing her inspection. Bella didn't think she was asking her.

"Paul," Jared shrugged as if that explained everything.

Bella felt uncomfortable under Emily's scrutiny. Embry reached for a muffin and Emily smacked him in the head with a wooden spoon. "Leave it," she barked.

She turned her back on Bella. She felt dismissed. She made a face at Embry and he shrugged again. Emily seemed to be scrambling eggs now. She kept glancing at Bella. Bella noticed that the scars continued down her arm and across her hand.

Bella shifted nervously on her feet and prayed Jake would come and rescue her. She looked around the house. It didn't look like a man lived in the house at all. And certainly not a man like Sam. She had lived with Charlie for more than a year and admittedly it was his house, but it was still a man's house.

The front door opened and Sam stepped through. He ignored Bella. He seemed to only have eyes for Emily. He said her name and so much love saturated his voice it sounded strange. He moved quickly over to her, leaned down and kissed the scars on her cheek. She shifted her face so that their lips brushed. His face looked like he had seen an angel.

Bella felt that pulsing hole inside her again. It was too much for her. She stared at the chipped jug of wildflowers on the table. Sitting on a crocheted doily like her grandmother used to have. That seemed too old fashioned for her tastes. She glanced around the room. Now she had noticed that, there were lots of things like that; jarring notes in the picture perfect house. Things that seemed too old fashioned or too contrived.

Paul and Jake barrelled in the door still punching each other and broke the spell. Paul threw himself onto a kitchen chair, nodded at her and mumbled an apology. She gave him a small smile.

"Hey Bells," Jake greeted her. He took a muffin without a comment from Emily and stood very close to Bella; bumping her a little with his shoulder and pressing his whole body up against her side. It felt natural and right.

She glanced up at Sam. She almost gasped. He was staring at her standing with Jake so close to her. The angelic look was gone and now his eyes looked tortured. He looked like a drowning man. Emily grabbed at his face, drawing him back down to her. She kissed him again.

But Bella got the overwhelming feeling that the kissing was a display, as contrived as the wildflowers on the table were. And it was for **her** benefit. And she didn't know why.

She felt like vomiting again.

Sam peeled himself off Emily and she turned back to stirring her eggs. He kept his hand at the small of her back in an unconscious gesture. It was as if he needed to be in physical contact with her somehow.

"Right guys," he said interrupting all the small conversations in the room. "Jacob had information for us, but we got interrupted before he got it out. Jake," he nodded at him.

She stood; trying to breathe and not to throw up and she didn't really hear what Jake was saying. But she knew what it would be. Victoria. And her plans.

The boys spoke for a while, and then Sam caught her eye. "Jake thinks it would be best if you spent as much time as possible here in La Push."

Jake frowned as if he had never said that, and then he agreed. "Yeah, she won't know where to find you so easily. And you'll be safer here with us."

"Unless you feel safe somewhere else?" Sam asked.

"I don't want to lead Victoria anywhere else," she muttered. She was thinking of her family and friends now. "Its summer break, I can be here."

"Good. We can end this here," Sam stated.

"You'll be careful, right?" Bella said. She wasn't sure who she was talking to.

The boys just laughed. But Sam looked as if he mirrored her concern.

"Food's ready," Emily announced.

The boys dug in, but Bella had no appetite. She picked at the muffin in her hand but it tasted like ashes in her mouth.

She spent the day with Jake at his house. He phased periodically. Checking in with the others. Charlie came over late with pizzas. He seemed pleased that she and Jake were friendly again. She pointed out to Jake that she needed to go home and sleep in her own bed. Jake promised her she would be fine at night, someone would guard her. She drove her truck home and Charlie followed her in the car.

She lay in her bed and thought about Jake's definition of monsters. Edward wasn't a killer. No wait; yes he was. He had told her how he had hunted murderers. A self appointed judge, jury and executioner. What if he had made a mistake? What if he had killed a crime novelist practising his latest story in his mind? How dare he appoint himself judge, jury and executioner? To satisfy his appetites. He didn't know why people killed. Maybe it was a battered wife finally taking her revenge. Sure he could read minds, but did he take the time to make sure he was doing the right thing. Who was his devil's advocate?

That night she dreamed of the forest again. This time she was standing in one spot; and she wasn't alone. She was holding Emily's scarred hand. She didn't wander; she didn't search; she couldn't. But she wanted to. Emily wouldn't let go of her hand. And a black wolf watched them both from the just inside the tree line.

888888

"So _that_ is Bella Swan?" Emily snarked to Sam when they had all gone.

"Yep."

"Kind of skinny," Emily noted.

"Yep." She had actually put on some weight, but Sam knew better than pointing that out. She still probably didn't weigh more than fifty kilos.

"Mousy little thing… seems too nervous…"

"Uh-huh," Sam didn't agree or disagree.

"And a century old vampire fell in love with her?" she sounded incredulous.

"So it seems."

Emily was particularly attentive that night. Even offered him sex, even though he didn't have enough points for it.

He took it.

But afterwards he almost felt worse. He felt like showering. He felt dirty. But the imprint strain was eased. His chest felt less tight.

He did his patrol and vainly hoped that the red headed vampire would show up so he could tear something apart. He and Shadow really needed to tear something apart.

FF_2154210_ - 4/10/2011 12:46:00 PM


	15. My empire of dirt

**15. My empire of dirt**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday:<strong> Bella was back out at La Push. The pack could protect her there more easily and she kept Victoria away from her school friends and her father. She didn't like endangering the pack, but it was their plan she was implementing. Their birthright, they assured her. She told Charlie she was spending time with Jake; mending their friendship. She was supposed to be with Jake but he was actually patrolling so she wandered alone on the beach all day. Charlie was at the house with Billy and she would blow the whole story if she was there too. She read a book in the lee side of one of the giant beached trees on the beach. Jake showed up occasionally. They walked together and he held her hand. It felt nice.

Spring break started on Monday and she was back out at La Push. She knew Charlie thought she and Jake were dating and she supposed they kind of were. She felt guilty about leading Jake on again. She worried about Sam. She didn't know how to ask Jake what Emily was; she needed more information.

Tuesday she had to work at Newtons. Jake followed her there on his Harley.

Mike noticed. "Are you dating that kid?" he sounded incredulous.

She shrugged. "He's my best friend and I spend a lot of time with him."

Mike's eyes narrowed. "Don't kid yourself Bella. That guy's head over heels for you."

She didn't know why, but she said it, "I know." She sighed heavily. "Life's complicated."

"And girls are cruel," Mike stated.

Jake picked her up again after work, and she went out to the Black house for dinner. Sam and Emily joined them. Emily brought a cake that Charlie raved over. Charlie never raved over her cooking. She felt disgruntled. She wanted to hate Emily and she didn't want to admit why. The conversation ranged over a few subjects but Bella was monosyllabic. She sat next to Jake and pressed her leg up against his. He glanced at her with a question in his eyes, but she shook her head. She felt odd. She needed his warmth. When he could, he slipped his hand under the table and placed it on top of her thigh. It actually made her feel better. Trust Jake to know what would make her feel better.

Something about Sam and Emily gave her the heebies and she couldn't explain it.

Sam ignored her. He didn't make eye contact; he didn't speak to her and he didn't pass her any dishes. It was more almost more obvious that he was trying so hard **not** to interact with her.

She thought it had something to do with Emily, but again, she couldn't ask. And definitely not while they were all there.

She dragged Jake away from the table early, and they sat in his garage for some privacy. He held her hand and told her all about werewolf traits; increased body temperature, fast healing and the speed at which he could run. He loved the speed; he told her they could run faster than he could ride on the motorbike. She squealed when he offered to demonstrate his fast healing by slashing his hand open with a pocket knife. She convinced him not to.

She told him all she knew about vampires. She felt no disloyalty for doing so. The Cullens were gone. The wolves needed the information. She held her torso with her arms while she did so. Just saying their names almost brought her undone. But she did it; it surprised her how much information she could tell Jake now.

He apologised for ruining her summer. She joked that she spent every summer being hunted by vampires and she pulled her sleeve down over the bite mark. He noticed and insisted on seeing what she was hiding. She showed him, nervously. James's cold bite mark; crescent shaped and covering her wrist.

With his new knowledge of the supernatural, he almost phased at the thought she could have been a vampire. She told him Edward had saved her life. He had, even if it was being with him in the first place, that had put her in James's path. And now Victoria's.

"Ask me something else," he begged her to get his mind off phasing.

"What's up with Sam and Emily?" She desperately wanted to know.

"You noticed, huh?"

"Hard not to," she confessed. "It doesn't seem _right_…" she didn't have the words.

"It's imprinting."

"Imprinting?"

"It's this wolf thing… the first time you see your soul mate after you phase. Something happens. They become the centre of your world. It's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like... gravity moves... suddenly. It's not the earth holding you here anymore, she does... You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend." He held her hand tighter. "I saw you in the meadow," he whispered. "And later, here, when you came out to shout at me…"

"I didn't come out to shout at you," she interrupted. "I came to find out what was wrong with you."

He laid his cheek on the top of her head. "I know, Honey," he crooned at her.

"So…?" she asked.

"You're not my soul mate," he confessed. "I was terrified to see you, in case I didn't imprint on you. And then you just came out here and I had to see you and it didn't happen. I really thought it would and I was so upset that day when it didn't…"

Well that explained some of Jake's odd behaviour that day. "But… but…" then she stopped. That would mean that Emily was Sam's soul mate. That just couldn't be right at all; he seemed too unhappy. Surely people were **happy** when they found their soul mate.

Jake's thought processes clearly hadn't followed the same path as hers. "I know," he crooned. "And we make such a perfect pair. Both pretty messed up," he chuckled. "Neither of us can hold our shape together right."

He lifted his head and smiled at her. His usual face cracking smile. He leaned in a little as if he wanted to kiss her.

"Yeah, we're pathetic," she agreed backing off from him quickly and fiddling with her sleeve. She didn't want to kiss Jake; that would make her life just too complex.

"At least we have each other," he added. Then he yawned hugely.

"You need to get some rest, Jake." She patted his shoulder awkwardly. He ran his hand through his hair. He looked exhausted.

* * *

><p>The next day she was out again. Billy wasn't that good at filling conversational silences. So she spent Wednesday afternoon with Emily at the house. But Emily was busy, cooking, cleaning and weaving and taking endless gossipy phone calls. Bella drifted behind her but she didn't make a job for her and she felt tolerated, not welcomed. The house was spotless with everything in its clearly appointed space. There was nothing for her to do. She lay on the single bed in the second bedroom and read a book she had found, for a while.<p>

She came out when she heard the door. It was Sam checking in. Emily threw herself at him and the aura around the two of them pushed at Bella. She didn't know anything about sex, but from the way Emily was winding herself around Sam, it was pretty clear that they wanted some privacy.

She just needed to know something. "Jake's okay?" she asked.

Sam tore his face away from Emily for a breath. "He's fine. No news," he tossed at her.

She flapped indecisively. "I should… just… go…" she muttered.

"Yes," agreed Emily quickly.

Bella glanced at them. Sam frowned at Emily. He looked as exhausted as Jake did these days. She wondered at Emily expecting him to engage in more physical activity. But what did she know, right? She was still a virgin.

She walked down to the beach, but had a complete panic attack and curled into a ball on a relatively dry rock and tried to keep breathing. Jake found her there. He scooped her up into his arms and held her in against his warm body. "Sorry," he apologised. "I'll take tomorrow off… we'll do something fun… we'll have a date," he suggested.

"A date?" she repeated her face muffled in against his dark skin.

"Didn't I promise to take you cliff diving?"

It seemed unseasonably cold to her. She shivered.

He noticed. "Don't worry, it'll be warmer tomorrow, I can feel the weather changing," Jake stated.

"What are you? Some kind of wolfy barometer?"

"Yeah," he chuckled. "Kind of…" He looked at her with his head tilted and did the double eyebrow lift. "So you gonna wear a bikini Swan?"

She laughed. "I doubt it… probably a t-shirt. Maybe even a wetsuit."

"Cool," said Jake. "Wet t-shirt."

She smacked at his shoulder, but she laughed. She could breathe and she felt warmer already. "Ok. Now, you need to sleep," she told him. The size of the bags under his eyes worried her.

"Come with?" he asked.

She did. They lay on Jake's bed and he curled himself around her and dropped off instantly. She lay there feeling much warmer, with Jake's bicep as her pillow and she thought about Sam. And how unhappy he looked with his perfect mate.

88888888888

Sam was lying on top of Emily. He was up to his short strokes but his mind literally wasn't in it. He was performing automatically. He hadn't even made sure she had orgasmed. He was exhausted. He had been awake for thirty six hours.

For once, you would think she would let him lie on the bottom and she could do some of the work? But no. Missionary position. As always.

The house smelt like Bella and it was seriously distracting him. He understood what Emily was doing; claiming him. He had to be real careful with her or she just might be capable of hurting Bella. Not directly. Emily wasn't one for directness. It would be sneaky and bitchy and underhand. The were-cuckoo would strike.

He groaned as he finally came inside her. Now at least he could get some sleep. But fuck, she wanted to talk.

"Thank goodness that girl is gone now. All the trouble she is causing just by existing. Vampires hunting her…." Sam just wasn't listening. He needed to sleep. Just shut up Emily, he wished silently.

But her next sentence got his attention.

"I think we should get married Sam," she suggested archly. She stroked his chest as he lay on his side.

Shadow growled and the sound came out of Sam's mouth. Sam had been wolf more hours than he had been human recently, Shadow was getting stronger and harder to control.

She looked a tiny bit frightened. "Well," she blustered. "That wasn't quite the reaction I expected …and after I let you… and everything…"

"I'm tired, Emily," he groaned. "Just let me sleep."

"Fine," she huffed. "You can sleep somewhere else."

He groaned again but found himself rolling his exhausted body out of his own bed. Auto-pilot again. Must obey the imprint. He stepped into the hall and noticed Bella's scent was stronger. Shadow led him to the guest room. A book was lying on the bedcover. An old classic of his. Not something Emily would ever have read.

He lay down on the tiny bed. He usually preferred to sleep on the sofa where at least he could stretch out. He curled himself into a ball on the little bed and fell asleep immediately. The pillow smelt like her shampoo. His body still smelt of Emily but he his face was buried in a pillow that smelt of Bella. Shadow was happy now. Sam smiled and fell into an exhausted slumber.

Emily must have realised where he went and fifteen minutes later she tried to move him, but she couldn't seem to wake him properly and when she tried harder, he growled at her again. Eventually she backed off.

He heard her go, huffing with annoyance as she went. She could get fucked. She had told him to move and he did.

The next day she washed the coverlet and the pillowcase and aired the pillow. Bitch.

FF_2154210_ - 5/10/2011 03:27:00 AM


	16. I will let you down

**16. I will let you down**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Bella snuck out of the house early to go cliff diving with Jake as they had planned the day before. There was no way she was going to be able to explain cliff diving to Charlie. She knew he would like it about as much as he liked motorcycle riding. She packed a change of clothes and drove out to the rez. Jake didn't come out to meet the truck. He was probably asleep.<p>

When she knocked she heard Billy call out to her to come in. He was in the kitchen eating cereal.

"He's not here," he pre-empted. "They found a fresh trail. Sam was hopeful that they can hedge her in against the mountains."

"Oh no." She sat down suddenly.

He chuckled. "Having so much fun, you don't want it to end Bella?"

"Don't make jokes Billy. This is too scary."

"You're right," he agreed. "This one's tricky. But Sam knows what he's doing."

She bit her lip. Sam. "How does Sam know what he is doing?"

"We take this very seriously," Billy stated. "Nothing has been forgotten. He says she doesn't want to fight them. Keeps running away and trying to get around them."

"To me," she whispered.

She watched TV with Billy for a while, but in the end, she ended up back on the beach walking.

She didn't feel comforted by Billy's words about the pack. She worried about Victoria finally getting irritated with the wolves and just going _through_ them. Vampires were so fast and strong and indestructible. And Victoria was an experienced hunter. She loved the games she had played with Laurent and James. And the pack had managed to kill one vampire. Count them: one. They were so young and so inexperienced. Their leader was only twenty.

What if this was just all one big game to Victoria? What if the human nature of the pack would let them down simply because they would eventually just wear out? She knew how tired Jake was and how tired Sam looked. They couldn't keep this up for much longer; they were all exhausted.

Jake was right about the weather; it felt warmer today but the atmosphere felt pressured and heavy. The sea was wild. Jake wasn't around and the hole inside her burned. She needed to hear _his_ voice again. She didn't know why; he had already let her down in the meadow.

_He_ had let her down. And now she was putting the boys of the pack in more danger. She imagined how she would feel if Jake or Embry …or Sam were injured.

The weather and the pressure buffeted at her. The ache inside her needed quenching. She wasn't frail and weak; and she could prove it. She saw the slate grey cliffs. Cliff diving. She could do it by herself. She would show them. And just maybe she might hear _him_ again.

She hurried back to the house and her truck. She steered the truck up the road she and Jake had followed the day she had seen Sam jump. She found the lane to the cliffs edge and then she parked and found the narrower walking path to the cliff edge. She stomped up the path. Determined to prove her worth; hoping to hear _his_ voice one last time. The bikes didn't work anymore, their meadow was now the place of wolves… but this would do it. This was the **most** reckless thing she had ever attempted.

She came up the path and out of the trees. She stepped onto the rocky ledge. The wind buffeted at her now. Her pain eased at the thought that she would hear his voice. Her last goodbye.

"_Bella,"_ he chided.

She didn't answer him, but she already breathed easier.

"_Don't do this," _he pleaded.

"You wanted me to be human…" she finally told him out loud.

"_Please. For me,"_ Edward's voice pleaded.

She took another step forward, she closed her eyes preparing herself to jump and then her whole body was yanked backwards. Her arm hurt where something gripped it.

Someone was shaking her like a kitten. "You stupid selfish little girl," Sam screamed at her.

"S-Selfish?" she stammered out through her chattering teeth.

"**Yes, selfish,"** Sam roared at her. He had hold of her by the top of her arms now and he kept shaking her for emphasis. "Harry Clearwater had a heart attack. He's dying… one of your father's best friends and you're going to kill yourself! Today of all days? It would **kill** him…"

"I-I," she started.

Sam kept roaring at her, "And Jake loves you! Fuck knows why… you barely give him the time of day… don't you think he has had enough death in his life?"

"Stop-p sh-shaking m-me," she begged him. "I didn't know… I didn't know…"

He finally let her go and he inhaled deeply and took a step back from her. He looked as if he had forced himself to do it.

"Jake's my friend," she blustered; as if that was the most important part of what he had shouted at her. She tried to process the rest of what he had said. "And what do you care?"

"We don't want you to kill yourself."

"We?" she asked.

"Me and the wolf… He's growling at you now."

"The Wolf? The black one? He talks to you?" She gave a bitter chuckle. Here she was trying to hear Edward's voice and Sam had one of his own.

He looked sheepish to admit it to her. "Kind of… he's pretty pissed with you right now… can't believe we wasted all that effort dragging you half dead out of the forest… almost took you ho…" he stopped talking. His mouth snapped shut as if he had said too much.

"He talks to you?" she checked.

Sam was on the defensive now. "Yeah what's so weird about that?" He waved a hand at the cliff edge. "You have an imaginary vampire friend, how dumb is that? At least mine's real."

"No."

"He is so; you've seen him."

"No…yes… that wasn't what I meant… he's not an imaginary friend… I only hear _him_ when I do something reckless and stupid. _He_ grouses at me. I need to hear his voice."

Sam snorted.

It didn't sound that sensible when she tried to explain it to someone else. Maybe it wasn't sensible at all.

"So you were about to walk off a cliff into that," he waved a hand at the wild surf, "To hear the imaginary voice of a guy that dumped you in the forest."

"Edward loved me," she whined.

"Oh you **stupid** girl… he's a monster."

Stupid? Oh, that made her mad.

"What? Like you?" she snarked at him. She remembered Jake saying that he knew what he was now; not the right kind of monster for her, he'd said.

"What?"

"You turn into … something… that … attacks people."

"People?" he checked.

"Look at Emily's face and tell me who the monster is, Sam!" she demanded.

Sam's face went hard and completely expressionless. He looked shattered.

She swiftly realised that she would have hurt him less if she had actually stabbed him in the heart.

"Oh my god," she whispered. "I'm sorry." She tried to reach out for him. She was reminded of Mike Newton's statement that girls were cruel. She had just been as cruel as she had ever been to anyone; and it was to Sam. Sam who had tried to help her and be her friend. She felt awful. But the damage was done. She had said the words and they couldn't be taken back.

"Fuck you, Swan!" He grabbed her hands and he pushed her back towards the edge of the cliff. "Jump!" he ordered, looking down into the roiling surf. "See if I care. I have enough shit to deal with without **you**."

He turned and walked away from her.

"Sam…" she called out as she scuttled after him.

He slapped her hands away as they reached for him.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" she babbled.

He snorted.

"You always look after me… even in my dreams … you're right… Edward just left and he doesn't contact me… it's just some mad image my own brain cooked up… it's not even him… I know it isn't… and he didn't help me in the meadow with Laurent… he just told me to beg for my life… he couldn't help me… but **you did Sam**… and you found me when I was lost and you let me talk to you…" She was sobbing now; the words barely making it out through her shudders and gasps for breath.

"Tell someone who cares," he growled at her.

"Sam! Please…?"

He stopped. He faced her. "Why?"

She sobbed. "I'm sorry… I don't know what happened with Emily. That was wrong of me… I shouldn't have said that and I can't take it back now… and I'm sorry…" Her legs collapsed and she almost fell.

He grabbed her before she hit the ground. He hugged her to his chest.

She sobbed.

She wrapped her arms around his waist and clung to him like a limpet. He paused. And then his arms embraced her too. He was warm and big and strong and he hugged her back just like Jake did. But he wasn't Jake. He was Sam.

"Oh Isabella," he crooned. One of his massive hands held the back of her head into his bare chest. "Shhh shhh," he crooned.

"I'm sorry," she kept repeating. "I'm so sorry…"

His other hand slid low on her back and pulled her in against him. His hand slid under her shirt and rubbed at her skin. It was only then that she noticed he was naked. Her hand was resting on the top of his bare ass. She froze. She didn't know what to do. She pulled her arms away slowly from around his body. And then she tried to pull her head back to look at his face, but he was still holding her and the movement arched her back, and pushed her groin further into him.

"Ohhh," he groaned. "Don't do that." His voice sounded throaty and hoarse.

"Sorry," she apologised again. She wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

He chuckled. "I need to put my cut offs on."

They just stood there. She could feel the physical reaction he was having to her proximity. But she didn't know what to do. She had never been held by a naked man before. And never by one that seemed pleased to be there, at least she assumed he liked being there; parts of him seemed very happy. So she thought to just ask him what to do. "Can I move?" she asked.

"Sure, if you want to get an eyeful."

"I'll close my eyes," she suggested. She did so, scrunching up her face. "See," she told him. "Can't see anything."

She felt him move away from her. "Tell me when," she suggested.

Sam unbound his cut-offs from his leg and slid them on in a practiced move; covering his physical reaction to her. She was still standing there with her face scrunched up. Her hands held in front of her at nothing.

He didn't know what possessed him; maybe Shadow, maybe it was just him. But he leaned forward quickly and brushed his lips across hers. She gasped.

She opened her eyes and gave him a look he couldn't begin to comprehend.

"Apology accepted," he quipped. He ignored the pain in his chest. Imprint betrayal had a hefty pain price tag.

She just nodded. She raised her hand slowly and touched her lips with her fingertips.

"We need to go," he said. "I think the Clearwaters phased. I sent Jake to them because I _knew_ I was the last person Leah would want to see. I don't know if the phasing caused Harry's heart attack or the other way around. But either way, those kids are going to be messed up."

She gulped. "And I was about to throw myself off a cliff."

"Yeah," he agreed.

"Sorry, Sam." She stepped in closer to him again.

"Stop apologising. Just don't do it again."

"Never," she stated. "I am done with trying to hear Edward's voice. You're right. I would have drowned in the surf if I had survived the fall."

"I'll take you cliff jumping one day," he offered.

"Lower down," she suggested diplomatically.

"To start," he grinned.

He really should smile more often, she thought. He had a beautiful smile. He was always so serious; so restrained by everything he had to deal with. And she had been a fool. She touched his cheek.

He blinked.

"Nice smile," she said.

He gave her another smaller, sadder version. "Gotta go," he repeated.

"My truck is at the road."

"Right."

They made their way back to the truck and drove to the Clearwaters. Bella didn't know what use she could be, but she needed to feel constructive. And she was with Sam. And he had _kissed_ her.

FF_2154210_ - 5/10/2011 04:36:00 PM


	17. I will make you hurt

**17. I will make you hurt.**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p><strong>[AN: I veer away from canon pretty strongly now and I thought we all needed to take a breath; so this chapter is a little lighter. Thank goodness for Seth.]<strong>

Jake was running to the Clearwaters. Sam had ordered him to do so. Said he thought one or both Clearwaters had phased and then he had got out of Dodge with some garbled explanation about Leah probably not wanting to see him. Jake thought Sam probably had that right. Leah hated Sam Uley. And seeing him would be bad enough, but having him inside her head was a kind of hell that even he had not imagined could exist. They didn't exactly mention that whole mind sharing thing in the tribal legends. Descended from wolves they mentioned, sure, sure. But that whole every thought that crossed your mind could be shared with your pack thing? That wasn't in any of the stories that he knew. Every fear; every worry; every random inappropriate thought. All out there.

Sam said he would find Bella and make sure she was okay. That damn red headed vamp had got away from them again. They were all tired and frustrated with her freaking games. So sure that they had her this time, and then she had just thrown her body from the cliff and fallen into the sea and had **not** come up again. No breathing… right. They had all forgotten that.

Paul had started imagining what kind of things a girl could do, who didn't need to breathe. Speaking of random inappropriate thoughts. Jake thought that he had to get his head clear before he flashed all of that to the Clearwaters.

Leah and or Seth. He wasn't sure which one had phased; or which one he hoped it was that had. Seth was too young and Leah was… well… female. It was unheard of.

He picked up the panicked thoughts of _both_ Clearwaters and swore. It was both of them. Poor Leah. This was not going to be easy for her. And Seth? He was too young. He wasn't even fifteen was he? Or maybe just barely.

_Jake: calm down guys. Stop howling and get into the forest. I need you to hide in the trees. Don't let anyone see you._

_Leah: And tell us what the __**fuck**__ is happening. Dad is sick. I think he's having a heart attack…_

_Jake: oh no, Leah. I'm so sorry. The others will help him. Sam sent me to you guys._

_Leah: Sam? THIS is what happened to Sam?_

_Jake: oops... Yeah. _

_Leah: I thought I heard Sam in my head._ She sounded more thoughtful now.

_Seth: yeah he told us to stay here and that we couldn't move until you tell us that we can…and we literally can't move… that's weird… I can't lift a paw… although it's also weird that I even __**have**__ paws…_

_Jake: sure, sure… I'm telling you now, move…go hide in the forest. I will meet you there._

_Seth: how will you know where we are?_

_Jacob: I can kind of see where you are through your eyes… don't stress about it now… I'm on my way._

_Leah: _ (sounds wistful.)_ Why didn't Sam come?_

_Jake: Honestly he thought you wouldn't want to see him_

_Leah: _(conciliatory)_. Yeah you might be right. So what the fuck Black?_

_Jake: the legends are true, guys. We're the tribal protectors. We're shape shifter wolves._

_Seth: Cool. But how do I get you out of my head?_

Jake could tell they had found a small clear area.

_Jake: I'll tell you in a minute, but you kind of …can't. Let me get there first. I'm about two minutes away. Stay in that clearing and I'll be there soon._

Jake the massive russet wolf, barrelled into the clearing and slid to a halt. He was confronted by a gangly legged sandy coloured wolf and a smaller, slim grey one. They were sniffing around each other; almost comforting each other; pushing at each other with their snouts.

_Leah: you okay, Seth?_

_Seth: yeah but this is weird… like epically weird_

Jake interrupted them.

_Jake: hey guys. _

_Leah: Jake? Is that you? _

He pushed between them, pushing away the smaller male and moving closer to the female. His wolf liked the female. He stood next to her shoulder in a non-threatening way. Seth was instinctively submissive and was crouching low on the ground with his head down. Jake ignored him. He sniffed at her muzzle. Then he licked at it. He pushed at her gently. It was all instinct.

_Leah: Jesus Jake… what is that? You licked me._

_Jake: just saying hello…the way wolves do… and you smell __**really**__ good._

He sidled around and made eye contact with the Leah wolf and he was gone.

_Jake: Leah. Leah. Leah._

_Leah: What the fuck Black? What is wrong with you? I know my own name douche bag._

She hadn't really looked at him yet. But when she did, she suddenly froze. She sniffed at him and they circled around each other. Wolf Jake tried to look bigger and manlier; he puffed himself up. She sniffed at him and looked up at his eyes.

Jake held his tail high to show them both how dominant he was. He tossed his head to impress Leah. He tilted his head and bumped noses with her. And he danced around her on his big paws.

_Jake: God Leah, you're so pretty as a wolf and slim and… look at you, you're beautiful!_

_Seth: how do I get out of here? You said you would get out of my head, Jake._

_Jake: Crap. Focus. I need to focus. I need to help you guys first._

_Leah: You're pretty cute for a wolf too you know Jake…_

_Jake: Yeah? _(Sounds excited.)

_Seth: oh my god I have to get out of here… Jake how do I get human again?…I do NOT want to be here when you two get doing whatever the hell it is you are both thinking of doing…_

_Leah: what? I am __**not**__… _

_Jake: whoa_ (as he picks up an image of what she **was** thinking of doing to him)

_Seth: aghhh brain bleach… pass the brain bleach…. Shit Leah… don't you need to be human to do that? Jake, get me out of here! Dude, that's my sister!_

_Jake: sorry Seth… you just have to reach for the part of you that is human… its inside… imagine doing something in your human body._

_Leah: _made a low rumbling noise picturing things she could do with her human body. She stuck her wolf snout in his side and sniffed him.

_Seth: eek…__** not that**__… Leah… Jesus, what is wrong with you?_

_Leah: I don't know… Jake just looks really good and I want to sniff him and roll in his piss… okay that was freaking odd._

_Jake: I think we imprinted on each other…_(sounded incredulous)

_Leah: imprint?_

_Jake: like Emily… oops should I have said that?… _

_Leah: Emily? She's not a wolf is she?_

_Jake: no, but Sam is and she's kind of like… with him…they're together._

_Leah: well d'uh… I know that! I want Sam to be happy… I just don't want to have to see it… you know? And with my cousin? That is just wrong, on so many levels…_

Jake winced at the thought of what Leah would see in Sam's head. But not today.

_Jake: well… he's kind of… ahhh whatever… later… Sam's our wolf leader. Our alpha. Human… guys. We need to get you human. Your dad needs you._

_Leah: dad …_howl_…_

_Jake: shhh shhh… human… think human_

_Leah: I'm trying… it's so hard…_

_Jake: how can I kiss you if you're not human…_(cajole)

_Leah: yeah…oh yeahhh_

_Seth: eekkk! human human…okay, okay… watching TV …crap… that won't do it… fishing with my hands around a fishing rod… hands hands I need hands to fish…hands I need hands to play the X box… hands… need hands…_

The gangly wolf was rolling on the dirt while the other two still sniffed at each other and pushed their bodies against their sides. The male wolf was so much larger than the female.

_Seth: whoa! I think I got it… _ he phased out

"Fuck! I'm naked."

_Leah: Ewww… naked Seth…I need the brain bleach now._

The russet wolf jerked his head at the house in the distance; communicating with Seth without words.

"Right. I need clothes." Seth backed away, crouched over with his hands covering his groin. He turned and ran naked into the house.

_Jake: you okay Leah?_

She really showed him what she wanted to do to him; now her little brother was gone.

_Jake: fuck…. You can do __**that**__?_

_Leah: oh my god… are you still a virgin, Jake?_

_Jake: I think I was waiting for you._

_Leah: really? Oh, that is so sweet…_

_Jake: later babe…we have to get you back in your beautiful body first…_

_Leah: body …_she imagined having a body and what she could do with it.

_Jake: oh man…. _licked at her face in wolf kisses.

_Leah: hey, if Seth was naked… does that mean you will be too?_

_Jake: when I phase back?_

_Leah: yeah is that what you call it?_

_Jake: yes, and __**yes**__._

_Leah: ohhh… now __**that**__ I gotta see…_

She phased back. She rose slowly to her feet and Jake did the same in front of her. Leah was standing staring at him. And then in some unspoken signal they just crashed into each other; lips first.

Jakes big hands were all over her body; holding her against him. He was very excited to have her there and his cock was crushed between them. She reached a hand down to hold him.

"Fuck Black. I almost can't get my hand around it. Where have you been hiding this?"

"And it's all **yours**."

"I thought you were nuts about Bella Swan."

"Bella…" he paused. "Yeah… wow… this stuff is potent, huh." He looked like he was actually thinking about it. "I still like Bella… I can still feel her there in my heart, but it's just … as if she is not as important to me now, as **you** are…" he gazed down at her, where she was tucked into his chest.

"Jake?"

"Leah," he breathed. He kissed down her neck, curling his body around her. "We have to stop," he mouthed between kisses.

"Why?" she whined.

"Honey… I hate to remind you… but your dad needs you…"

"Yes. Yes he does." She sighed heavily.

"Can you hear them in the house? He's gone to the hospital in Forks. We can get some clothes and meet them there…"

"So…later, then?"

"Later… when we have time to do it properly… because if I start, I'm not gonna finish for a while… and that's not what you need right now… what you need right now is to see your father."

She sighed. "Do you think he'll be okay?" she asked plaintively. "I mean it was me… we were fighting and I tore the couch apart…"

Jake held her face in his hands. "Whatever happens, I'll be there for you. I won't leave your side unless you tell me to. We can do this together. It wasn't your fault. We didn't know you were going to phase. It wasn't your fault," he repeated and he kissed her forehead. "You know he's been sick."

"Yes. Mum had him on a diet…" She was rubbing at Jake's chest with her fingertips. "He was trying to keep it a secret but I knew he'd been having some tests, I just didn't know it was this serious. If only he had told me." She stopped and tilted her head. "And why can I hear Bella Swan's heap of shit truck?"

"Hey, I built that truck," Jake chided. "I think she might be coming to give us a lift into town." He paused. "Sam will probably be with her. Will you be okay with that?"

She beamed at him. "If I am with you… then, yeah, I'll be okay."

Jake kissed her again.

FF_2154210_ - 7/10/2011 03:34:00 AM


	18. I wear this crown of shit

**18. I wear this crown of shit**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

_**[AN: half way… woo hoo]**_

* * *

><p>Sam sat in her truck and let her drive and he stared out the window. He was sure he had seen a flash of red in the surf when he was pushing Bella back towards the cliff. Given he had spent the whole week chasing that flame haired bitch, he knew her when he saw her. If Bella had jumped…<p>

Shadow whined inside him.

We'll watch her, he promised himself, or at least he promised his wolf.

He showed her how to get to the Clearwater house.

"What happened with Victoria?" she asked. "I thought you had her penned into the mountains or something… that was what Billy said this morning."

"She can swim… well, technically she can't drown."

"Doesn't need to breath," Bella noted.

"No," he glanced at her as she drove. Sam fought with himself almost literally. He wanted to be honest with her. "I think she was in the water near you…" he hinted.

"Holy Crow! If I had jumped…" she had one hand over her mouth.

He leaned over and put a steadying hand on the steering wheel.

"You saw her?" she checked.

"Saw red hair in the water…"

"Before or after you stopped me?"

"After…"

"So I owe you a double thanks…"

"Yeah."

She got herself back under control and he relinquished the steering wheel.

Silence for a minute.

"Shadow," he told her. "My wolf's name is Shadow."

She glanced at him. "It suits him. That's what I thought when he crept out of the forest that day in the meadow. That he was as black as a shadow."

"He chose it. He's pleased. He likes that you approve."

She'd process that statement later. "Are you worried about Leah?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure she has phased? I mean it's not exactly a girl thing…"

"I'm sure. I know it was her."

"What will Emily think?" She remembered the way Emily had kissed Sam in front of her to stop him looking at her.

"Rival."

She thought about that. Imprinting had given Emily, Sam. It had taken him away from Leah and now if Leah was a wolf, she would kind of have him back. And if she was the _only_ female? Bella wondered if the pack worked like a real wolf pack and had an alpha couple. Emily would be furious. At the very least all the hours that Sam spent with the pack, away from her; he'd be with Leah. She really didn't think Emily would be happy about that.

"What are you going to do?" she asked him.

He shrugged. "Don't know. I will deal with it, when I get confirmation from Jake that she has phased or that they have even managed to phase back to human. Not sure yet. No point worrying about it yet."

That became a moot point because as they pulled up outside the house, she could see three figures outside the house. Three human figures.

"How did he do that?" Sam asked aloud.

"What?"

"Get them to change back so fast. It took me more than two weeks to get human again, the first time. And even then, I did it in my sleep." Sam shook his head and he made a kind of snort noise.

"They have a strong incentive; their Dad," Bella reminded him as she parked.

And while they watched Jake's long arm wrapped around Leah's shoulders and he pulled her back up hard against his chest. His other arm wrapped around her waist. He lifted his chin and he gave Sam a look. It said 'mine' more strongly than if he had been kissing her when they drove up. Oddly, Leah looked completely happy to be held in such a way.

"Huh," said Sam. "Guess that solves one of my problems."

"I don't understand," Bella muttered.

Sam jigged his head at the couple. "I am betting that they have imprinted," he stated. "On each other."

"Oh my." She had worried about leading Jake on and holding his hand and his almost kisses. And now he had dumped _her_. She almost giggled. "Guess that solves one of my problems too," she agreed.

Sam smiled at her. "Guess it does."

They all piled into the truck. Seth confirmed that they had both phased but he refused to ride in the back with the 'lovebirds' as he called them. Sam slid over the bench seat and touched thighs with Bella so that Seth could climb in the front.

"How did you phase back so fast?" Sam asked him.

"Man, that mind thing was incentive enough for me to get out of there. They went all funny, rubbing on each other and licking each others faces… what do you call them? Snouts? She kept thinking of what she wanted to do to Jake… and it was inside _my_ head as well. I mean, its Jake… you know…" Seth looked horrified. "And Ugh… that's my _sister_," he whined with a shudder. "Plus… Dad…"

Sam nodded.

Bella was silent. She was acutely aware of Sam's meaty thigh brushing against her leg. She glanced up into the mirror. She could see Jake's head lowered. He had tucked Leah between his legs and they were obviously talking. It struck her that he hadn't even looked at her when she drove up and he had been trying to kiss her days ago. This imprinting thing was pretty strong. She actually felt a little put out. But on the other hand, she felt happy that Jake had found his soul mate. And kind of glad that she and Jake hadn't done anything. She would be pretty upset if they had got closer and _then_ this had happened. She wondered how the imprint felt for Sam. He had got that love saturated look on his face when he saw Emily that time in the kitchen.

"Seth, when was the last time Jake saw Leah?" she asked. Jake had told her that he had to see her to imprint, she remembered that from their discussion in the garage about it.

"I dunno… maybe that night when you were at dinner… at the Blacks. He's much younger than her, so they don't exactly run in the same crowd, you know?"

"In January?" Bella checked.

"He's been kind of busy with you," Seth pointed out. "Or in the garage working on the Rabbit …"

"…or nursing his dad," pointed out Sam quietly. "And he does still have school to attend and homework to do."

"I suppose," she conceded. "So he definitely hadn't seen her since he became a member of the pack?"

"No, running patrols and looking after you. And Jake only phased ten days or so ago," Sam said.

"No, it was the end of February; the 20th I think," Bella argued.

Sam raised an eyebrow in query.

"I remember because we went to the movies together; it was a late promise for Valentines' day," Bella noted.

"Uh-huh. Valentines' Day, huh? Christ, I've lost days," Sam muttered. "Just too tired."

"More than days Sam; it's the 16th March," Bella pointed out.

Sam made a heavy sighing noise. It sounded as exhausted as he clearly was.

"Sleep now, Sam. I'll keep watch," Seth offered. "It'll take half an hour to get to Forks. That's a good nap. Maybe it'll take longer in Bella's truck."

"Hey, don't diss my truck."

Sam snorted. "Thanks Seth. I might do that." He shuffled down a little and let his head fall back. He fell asleep almost instantly.

Seth inflated with pride. Bella thought it was rather clever. Even if Sam didn't sleep; Seth felt important. And he needed to feel useful. He'd had a pretty rough day already and it wasn't over yet. And then she realised that Sam had made her feel useful too by driving everyone when less than an hour ago she had been going to throw herself off a cliff.

He could sleep with impunity. She'd be as safe as she was ever likely to be with three other wolves awake in the truck. One of which was Jacob.

Sam was a pretty good leader. Billy said nothing had been forgotten, but leadership was one of those things that people couldn't really learn. They either had it or they didn't. She rather thought that Sam had it.

Seth might be feeling more important but he fidgeted like a fifteen year old forced to sit still. His twitching and shifting made Sam shift a little and he ended up leaning his head on Bella's shoulder. Bella could smell him. It must be his hair. He smelt like plain soap; clean and … kind of good.

She knew exactly where the Forks hospital was. It wasn't large, but at least it had more emergency care than the medical centre at the reservation. She pulled into a parking spot and turned the motor off. She touched Sam's face gently to wake him up without startling him.

Seth was looking worried.

"I don't know what to say, Seth," Bella stated. Sometimes if that was all you could say, it was something; better than pretending it hadn't happened.

The truck jolted as Jake and Leah jumped out of the back.

Leah approached Seth's door. "Come on little brother," she cajoled. "You can hold my hand."

"I thought Jake was going to do that," he tried to joke but they both looked really serious.

"I've got two hands," she joked back.

Sam was still blinking and waking up. Clearly he had not had enough sleep.

"Sam?" Jake called into the cabin. "Can you stay with Bells? I promised Leah I'd stay with her."

"Sure, sure," Sam muttered.

Bella noticed Charlie's squad car.

"We can go in for a minute. If you want," Sam suggested when he saw where she was looking.

"I'd just be in the way." She chewed at her lip.

"Where do you want to go?"

"Pardon?"

"I need to protect you…"

"Victoria… I'd nearly forgotten…"

"You could go home or to the Blacks…" he didn't want to suggest his house.

"I will just have to drive back to Forks again if I go out to the rez…"

"And it would just be me for protection…"

"Aren't you enough?" she joked.

"Yeah." Sam studied her. "Why don't we just pop inside, tell Charlie you'll be at home? So he has one less thing to worry about."

She knew he was talking sense so they did that. She found Charlie sitting in one of those hideous uncomfortable plastic chairs hospitals always had. He had his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

"Dad?"

He looked up at her. He had been crying.

"Oh no," she breathed.

"He's hanging on," Charlie stated. "I think he's waiting for the kids. To say goodbye…" his voice broke on the last word and Bella rushed to him. They stood and he hugged her hard. He got himself back together. Wiping at his eyes with his fingertips.

"Sam," he acknowledged him.

Sam nodded back. "Sherriff."

"Sam's going to take me home and wait with me…"

"So she won't be alone," he suggested.

Charlie nodded. "Good." He straightened his shoulders. Bella knew that the moment of weakness with her, was all Charlie would allow himself. "I need to be with Sue and Billy," he stated.

"Will you go to the rez… after?" Bella asked him.

He nodded, and then took a deep breath. "Yeah. Probably." He stepped forward but he moved as if he was carrying a massive weight as he pushed the door open to the room and disappeared inside.

Sam looked at Bella. "Can you drive?"

Ever practical Sam. "Yes."

They got back in her truck and she drove on auto pilot to her home.

"He needed to see you," stated Sam.

"Yes. I'm glad we went in."

She parked the truck and unlocked the house. Sam followed without crowding her. She waved at the fridge and told him to help himself. She needed a shower she said. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked back at the tall, dark man standing in her living room.

"Why is this happening, Sam? Jake said it was the Cullens."

He looked at her solemnly. "It is."

She shook her head. "I don't understand," she whined.

"You know what they are." It was a statement.

She nodded.

"I don't suppose there is any point keeping it a secret now." He sighed as if it still hurt him to break the rules, even now. "They made a treaty with our great grandfathers; Carlisle and Edward signed it. Divided up the area. They got where the house is. We, the Quileute, promised not to hurt them unless they bit a human."

Oddly the name didn't tear a hole in her now. Maybe she couldn't be torn apart any more; nothing left of her to tear. She nodded.

He continued. "It seems that their presence causes the change."

She flapped a hand. "But they're gone…" she whispered. "They left…" left me, she didn't need to say.

"Yes. But once the change is triggered… it takes weeks or even months to actually happen."

She suddenly understood his behaviour with Jake. "You weren't stressing Jake by watching him. You were just worried about him."

He nodded. He still looked so serious.

"And now Leah and Seth…"

"And probably Quil. He's sick this week according to his grandfather."

"But they left **months** ago…" her voice rising now.

"I hope it stops," Sam stated. "That will be eight."

"Eight," she breathed.

"It's…" he shook his head. He looked suddenly even more exhausted. "It's too much to ask of them… they are so young… just boys."

She realised she was witnessing Sam's moment of weakness, just like she had seen her father's earlier. And just like earlier she wanted to hug him; to comfort him. But she couldn't. He belonged to someone else. He belonged to Emily.

"I-I…" she stuttered.

He looked at her. He just nodded. "I know. Go. Have a shower."

**[AN: yes, I let the Clearwater kids say goodbye to their father; it was just too mean to make them kill him by phasing and then miss out on saying their farewells. Call me a softie if you will…]**

FF_2154210_ - 8/10/2011 02:08:00 AM


	19. Upon my liar's chair

**19. upon my liar's chair**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p><strong>[AN: I have kept the email idea from the movie. It never made sense to me that Bella, as a teen, would not have a cell phone and an email account… maybe in SM's world, but not in the real world.]<strong>

She tidied up her room for something to do that she didn't have to think about too hard. She found a change of clothes and laid it out on her bed, ready to put on after her shower. It seemed like days ago that she had snuck out to go cliff diving with Jake. This had been the longest day of her life and it was still only early afternoon.

She spent a long time in the bathroom; conditioning her hair, shaving her legs… standing under the hot water and trying not to think about what a mess her life had become. She had no control over what had happened to her recently, but she could clean her hair. It seemed silly, but oddly comforting.

Bella came out of the bathroom towelling her hair dry and heard rumbling snores from the living room. Sam must have fallen asleep again. He had gone for days with out sleep, she knew. She smiled and continued on to her room. She saw her old computer sitting on her desk and she fired it up. She could get dressed while it was warming up; it was always so slow.

She has been sending emails for months to Alice's email address. She didn't know it was her address and clearly it wasn't, because they popped right back into her inbox with a message from the postmaster to say the message couldn't be sent.

She sent them anyway.

They served as a kind of journal for her.

They kept a tiny link with the Cullens. However small, she saw Alice's name written out. Pages of them. It somehow made her more real. Concrete. Or should she say marble? She sent less of them now. Another small step on the road to her eventual recovery. Like an addict who was slowly giving up their addiction. The emails were like nicotine patches.

Her only other messages were from her mother. Her friends had clearly given up on her.

She has been so busy out at the reservation being bait for Victoria, that she hadn't checked her emails for a while. Nor had she phoned her mother for a couple of days. There would probably be a chiding message or three from her.

She had a message in her inbox. But it wasn't from her mother.

It was from Alice Cullen. From the account address that said it can't receive messages. She tried to send a reply and it immediately pinged back as unsendable.

She opened it and devoured it eagerly.

'_Bella,_

_I am so sorry for hurting you. I thought I was your best friend. But I did not behave the way a friend should. I did not do the right thing by you. I was never a good friend to you. I have not ever really had a friend before and I realise now that most of what I did was the right thing for Edward, but not for you. It is not an excuse._

_Edward will probably rip my head off when he finds out that I have contacted you._

_I am __**very**__ worried about you._

_It was wrong of us to leave without saying goodbye. It was also wrong of us not to tell you the truth. We hurt you. And you have suffered._

_Edward has told me of your final discussion from his point of view. How upset you were. How he made you promise not to do anything reckless._

_I have thought over it for a long time and knowing you as I do, I worry that you have blamed yourself for his departure and for our silence. You deserve the truth; a good friend would do that for you._

_We left because Edward asked us to. He also asked us not to see you or to speak to you._

_He loves you. __**That**__ is why he left. He believes that being with him will result in your eventual death. He doesn't want death for you and he never has. Death will come, either from us, or from someone else like James. I have seen it if you stay with us, but not if we left you._

_I can't see you past a certain date, there is just nothing. I see glimpses of your future that make no sense to me. And I am so worried that you may do something that can't be undone. The periods of blackness in your life are getting more marked; it is as if you are constantly doing something dangerous or life threatening._

_I can't see you anymore but I can still see Charlie. And all I can see is Charlie's anguish at the way you have been behaving._

_You do not look well in the occasional glimpses I can see of you. Please stop blaming yourself. Please stop killing yourself._

_Please don't make us indirectly responsible for another death._

_Edward left so that you could live; please honour that choice and __**live Bella.**_

_Your friend,_

_Alice Cullen.'_

She checked the date. The email was sent on Thursday 16th March. Today's date. The day she nearly went cliff diving. The day she nearly killed herself, either in the surf or at the hands of the vampire waiting below for her.

It must be the bikes and the reckless behaviour that were causing Alice's blackouts. She supposed if she had banged her head just a little harder when she hit that rock, or had hit herself in the temple… she'd be dead. Or it could be the appearance of Laurent. If the wolves hadn't saved her, she'd be dead now. He had every intention of killing her, even if it upset Victoria. And she was trying to kill her now.

Edward loved her? That was why they left?

He loved her? How did that make sense? He stood there in the forest and he told her he **didn't** love her.

He had left her.

Alone.

To be the target of irrational, insane vampires… like Victoria.

He couldn't read her mind, but he didn't need to, to tap into her greatest insecurity; that he was too beautiful and too perfect to be in love with flawed little her. She had never understood why he was with her. So it didn't matter how many times he had told her that he loved her, it had only taken one denial to shatter all of her previous beliefs.

So being Bella Swan, the first thing she did was fall apart some more. She cried, she sobbed into her pillow. She wished she still had the photos of him so that she could tear them up.

But then she got angry.

And with the anger came a new resolution. She couldn't tear up his photos; he had made sure she didn't have any. And what was that about? To take her photos so that she had nothing to remember him by. Not even a CD of him playing the piano. Was it supposed to make him less real? A photo of him looked so unrealistic anyway. Especially standing next to her. It would have been better to leave them with her surely, so she could look at them and tell herself for the thousandth time, that he was too beautiful to have dated her. Or to have been in love with her.

And it was false anyway.

She couldn't do any of that… but she could go to his house and throw something at it.

Sam was sound asleep on her couch. He was supposed to be on guard but was so exhausted he had dozed off after his small nap in the truck. He'd be all rule-bound and whiny and would stop her. Like he had stopped her cliff diving.

She grabbed a bottle of bourbon from the living room table where Charlie had left it. She had no idea what she was really doing. She had just passed her last straw point.

She snuck out the door; a new animation to her limbs. She didn't even shut the truck door in case Sam heard the noise. She let the truck roll down the drive and out into the road; she started it at the end of the street and shut the door. Power steering was not an issue.

She travelled to _their_ house, buoyed by her righteous anger.

"You just try and stop me now… Mr Uley… all asleep on my couch…" she said to the empty truck.

She pushed the truck to go as fast as it was able. She threw herself out of the truck and screamed at the house.

"You are just pointless and stupid and …. You're everything I am never going to have… and it is all **your** fault!"

She ran out of words. She just screamed at the house; his house. She took a hefty swig of the bourbon.

"I HATE you. You and your grand pianos and your artworks and your expensive cars… and your… money!" Another swig.

She picked up a small rock from the garden and threw it through the plate glass window. She let out a satisfied hoot when it made a shattering noise. "Did you see **that** Alice?" she screamed.

And then she panicked. What if someone **had** heard her? Pfft. She was alone. No one could hear her. She took another swig of the bourbon. She picked up another rock and tossed it at another window. Another hefty swig of the bourbon.

And then she remembered who or what was supposed to be following her.

Victoria.

Death by vampire. It was what Alice saw wasn't it? If that was how she was supposed to die. And if she did it now, no one else had to die. All those hikers dead because of her. And the longer Victoria was around… what had Jake said? That the people hunting the giant wolves would start disappearing soon. Victoria needed to eat, after all. And the longer she stayed in the area, the more Quileute would phase. Her father's best friend was dead. Harry had a heart attack when his children phased and they wouldn't have phased if Bella Swan had not fallen in love with a vampire. It was all Edward Cullen's fault.

**And hers. It was her fault.**

Another swig of bourbon.

"I'll give you 'dangerous and life threatening', Alice Cullen," she stated out loud.

She had nothing left. At least that was how she felt.

Edward had rejected her (or pretended to); his whole family had left without even saying goodbye, after they had told her they loved her like a daughter. Who did that to their 'daughter'? Jake had imprinted and rejected her; Sam was already imprinted. Alice sent her an email... **an email**… her supposed best friend... can't even come to see her to **see **if she was all right and not trying to kill herself every day... to say sorry to her face. Sam stopped her throwing herself off the cliff, but now Harry was dead and it was all her fault (she thought) none of this would have happened if she hadn't fallen in love with Edward Cullen... Leah phased; Harry died... her father's **best** friend.

And she caused it all.

She made her choice.

"Come and get me bitch!" she screamed into the forest. Her voice screeching. She stood there, the bottle of bourbon in her hand now half empty and she screamed out her challenge to the oddly silent forest.

88888888

The phone ringing woke Sam up. He called out to Bella but then realised that she wasn't in the house. He grabbed the phone, thinking it was her calling to tell him where she was.

He heard a high pitched screeching voice. He knew it was a vampire even though he had never spoken to one on the phone before. It didn't sound human. He almost growled but then what she was saying got through to him.

"Bella! She's at the Cullen house… you have to stop her… Victoria…"

He exploded out the back door, the phone hanging with the voice still screeching that she was at the Cullen's house and he had to hurry. The wolf was halfway across the yard and moving as fast as he knew how. He sent out a howl to the pack that wasn't phased and an internal shout to the ones that were.

He ran. Shadow ran.

_You wanted her more animated,_ Sam reminded him. They could hear her screeching as they approached the house and they ran faster.

FF_2154210_ - 9/10/2011 03:05:00 AM


	20. Full of broken thoughts

20. full of broken thoughts

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

The gigantic black wolf came barrelling out of the forest and skidded to a halt in front of the house; it seamlessly phased into the tall round muscled man who strode towards her naked.

"You have to stop doing this to yourself," he told her. "You cannot try to kill yourself twice in one day."

"That's what **she** said," she suddenly wailed. She waved the almost empty bourbon bottle around and frowned at Sam.

"She?" he asked; approaching more slowly now.

"Alice Cullen… she sent me an email… didn't even come to see me and she's supposed to be my friend… she has visions of the future… but she sees me dying or dead… or at least she doesn't **see** me in any of her visions of the future… does that make sense to you… she said I was just a b-black sp-spot…" She was seriously losing it now. Tears were streaming down her face.

Shadow panicked. The thought of her not being around upset him. Sam would think about that later. Right now, he had a hysterical, half plastered, crying girl on his hands. She was wailing and waving her hands around. He just grabbed her.

Hugged her in against him. He was terrified she was going to hurt herself with the bottle.

And Shadow wanted to be near her.

She calmed down. Snuffling and wiping her face on the back of her hand.

For the second time that day naked Sam hugged Bella. He wanted to kiss her again too. She was much smaller than Emily. Smaller and so fragile looking. But he could not believe the amount of crap she had dealt with in her short life. And she survived it. She was strong inside; stronger than she sometimes thought she was. He thought about that night he had found her in the woods. She had explained to him later, how falling in love with Edward had been like imprinting was for him. How would he have felt if his imprint had left him? 'He's gone' she had kept saying. He knew how that felt. He had followed his to Neah Bay and Bella had tried to follow Edward through the forest.

And oddly, as if her thoughts have followed his, she remembered that night too.

"You," she said.

He didn't say anything.

"It was you… that night… when I was l-lost." she peered up at him blinking drunkenly. He was so tall; he was almost a foot taller than her. "You found me…" She leaned back to try and look at him.

He shrugged.

She reached for his hand. She tugged at it and pulled it up towards her face. He let her; he didn't know what she was doing.

She pressed his fingers against her cheek; holding it there with her own hand. He had a memory flash of that night. He had tucked another blanket around her and he had brushed her face with his fingers before he left. Just like he was doing now. Although it wasn't him; it was her, repeating his actions.

"I remember," she breathed at him. She pointed at him. He left his hand against her skin. "You kisshed me…" she waved the pointing hand around airily before her finger settled on her forehead. "Right … here…"

He couldn't deny it. He tugged his hand away from her. "You're drunk…"

"And thish ish all my fault… if I am n-not around …it won't happen anymore… n-no more people dying… no m-more wolf kids… " she slurred.

"She rang…" he interrupted. "A Cullen, I think."

"Alice rang?"

"I think it was a vampire… she just said you were at the house and I had to hurry…"

Bella frowned drunkenly. "Hurry?" she repeated.

"She said Victoria…"

"Well that was my plan… how did she… oh… silly me… I told her in the truck… I told her you were ashleep on my couch…" she giggled a little. "Because I said it in the truck… So she must have been checking on me again… she can't see my f-future… black… my future ish b-black…"

"Isabella," groused Sam. "You have got to pull yourself together… we have to go."

She rolled her eyes. "This isn't …" she took a fortifying breath. "This isn't your treaty territory. Ha ha… that'sh hard to say. You sh-shouldn't be here."

Smart girl. "No. But I think the Cullens might be upset at someone breaking their windows."

"Like they care," she muttered and took another swig of the bourbon. He tried to grab the bottle from her.

"Maybe they'll blame us for breaking their windows," he suggested neutrally. "The Quileute."

She looked horrified by the thought. "Oh, I didn't think of that."

"No." And then for some reason he could never adequately explain to himself later, he added, "You don't think much at the moment, eh?"

"Bwahaha," she laughed. "I think… I think…" she frowned. "I think you're n-naked… again…" she giggled drunkenly. She tried to pinch him on the ass.

"We have to go before Victoria gets here…" he reminded her, while he tried to protect his naked ass with a hand. He thought he ought to leave one free to protect the front half just in case. He had torn his shorts to pieces when he phased out her back door.

"Too late…" the voice was an odd, babyish soprano tinkling. "I'm already here."

They both glanced towards the voice. Victoria. Her flame red hair blew gently in the breeze. Her eyes were black with thirst. Her lips were pressed into a tight, thin line. She took a slow step towards them and she moved in a strikingly feline way like the hunter she was. She stared at Bella. Her prey.

"You escaped me at the cliffs," she hissed in that odd voice.

Sam was too close to Bella to phase. He was terrified of hurting her the way he had hurt Emily.

Everybody froze.

But then Bella giggled. "Oh my god…" she squealed. "Ish that _really_ your voice…" she turned towards Sam, completely ignoring the vampire who snarled at her. "I mean…" she flapped her hands as if she was trying to remember something. "Oh, oh… What's that kids cartoon, Sam? The one where the guy gets turned into a llama? And the evil ugly woman… oh my god… what is the name," she took a step back from him and she stamped her foot. "…anyway… anyway…" she flapped.

Victoria glared at her.

Bella kept chattering away, "The ugly woman… Yzma… that'sh her name… she gets turned into a kitten with thish weird, high pitched voice… and she saysh," she snorted and giggled at the same time; a small nasal eruption. "She says…"

"Run away now bitch or be torn to pieces," a baritone growl erupted from the forest.

"No Jake," whined Bella drunkenly. "She doesn't say _that_…." she corrected him. "She says 'is that my voice?' in this ridiculous high pitched voice. 'Is that _**my**_ voice?'" **

A number of growls erupted from the forest, reinforcing Jake's threat.

At the same time, Sam suddenly realised that Bella stepping back, had given him room to phase. He moved rapidly, pushing Bella back further and throwing himself at the vampire. She shot straight up into the air and landed on the roof of the Cullen house.

Bella fell onto the path and dropped the bourbon bottle. It smashed on the path. The wolves exploded out of the forest and chased the flame haired vampire as she skipped across the roof. She couldn't really tell, they moved so fast, but it didn't look like the whole pack. She would escape them again… and this horrible waiting game would continue again.

"No!" Bella screamed. "This is my fault! This ends today…" she grabbed a piece of the broken glass from the ground. She was determined that no more Quileute would phase. Not if she could help it.

She backed away from the house. Across the grass that she and Sam had cleared of ferns, until she could see Victoria on the roof. The wolves circled the house.

"Victoria…" she called tauntingly. "Come and get me…" and she slashed her wrist with the piece of broken glass.

Blood poured from her arm.

"Oh," she said suddenly. She had cut it quite badly. Usually she fainted, right about now.

But looking at it, she had cut right across James' bite mark. "How about that?" she called out. "I had James's teeth marks in my arm … and I just cut them up… the same way the Cullens cut **him** up," she taunted her. "Well actually they didn't cut him up… more like tore him apart and burnt the pieces… burnt the whole damn building to the ground."

Victoria had frozen on the roof. She growled at Bella. She was so completely frustrated.

"Did you know that? Did you go there and sniff his ashes?" Bella kept taunting.

Bella heard something behind her in the forest and it took everything she had, not to react to it.

"Ohhhh," she moaned. "I think I'm going to faint from the blood loss…"

Oddly, the wolves on her side of the house had all gone.

Victoria's black eyes remained on her. Then she looked quickly about and she made her decision. She leapt off the roof towards the bleeding Bella. She ran impossibly fast across the cleared yard towards her target. And a sandy wolf darted out of the forest and hit her square on, tumbling her across the grass before she got to Bella.

They rolled together across the ground. The noise was incredible. A mixture of snarling and growling and an odd metallic tearing sound. The wolf whined a little and jumped back. The vampire regained her footing and snarled; baring her teeth at the wolf. The wolf favoured one leg as it circled; eyes still locked on its target.

Bella rocked on her feet. The wolf tossed its head and threw something at her. It landed in front of her. It was Victoria's arm. Bella glanced up quickly. She hadn't actually realised it was missing until she saw it lying oddly waxen-looking at her feet. She didn't really expect people to still be standing up and snarling if they were missing an arm. She was really going to faint now.

Victoria saw the arm. She glanced about, clearly deciding what to go for; the wolf or Bella and her arm. Or to run. But she hesitated and Seth leapt for her again. This time he was not alone. Two more wolves came rocketing out of the forest; a russet coloured and a solid black one. They tore her apart between the three of them. Another wolf; a grey one with black patches, rushed for Bella. He phased and caught her before she hit the ground. He clamped his hand over the wound in her arm.

"Sam," Embry shouted. "She needs a compression bandage and some stitches."

Sam phased back and left the clean up to Jake and Seth.

"Can I tear your shirt, Bells?" Embry asked her.

"Sure, sure Embry," she told him and then she passed out.

88888888888

She came to and realised she was being carried. Someone was jogging with her held securely in his arms. His big strides jostled her a little. She knew who it was.

"S-Sam?" she whispered.

"Keep that arm up," he grunted at her.

She slid her wounded arm up against her chest; keeping it upright.

"We got her…" she suggested.

"Humph," he grunted at her.

"Are you angry with me?"

"Taking stupid risks…" he grumbled.

"Who was the sandy wolf?"

"Seth."

"Is he okay?"

"He's fine…he ran on ahead with the others to the medical centre."

"He did a good job…"

"Did you know he was there?"

She knew what that noise behind her was now. "I heard something… behind me… I gave _you_ enough room to phase…" she chided.

"You did that deliberately?"

"Yeah… distraction… I knew you wouldn't phase too close to me…"

"Well… that was smart," he grudgingly conceded.

"You pushed me over." She chuckled. "Too smart for you…"

"Watch it…" he growled at her.

"Hey, are you still naked?"

"Yes. And you're still drunk. Now shush."

"I feel weird," she mumbled.

"Uh huh… we'll be there soon."

She studied him. He always looked so serious. And he looked really serious now.

"I'm okay… I've had worse before," she suggested. "Ask Jake."

"Don't need to," he grunted. "Pack mind."

"Huh."

They jogged a little further.

"Oh no… Sam … stop… please stop…"

He stopped. She was convulsively swallowing by then. He flipped her in his arms and let her head hang down. She threw up. He had one arm around her waist supporting her. She clung to it and emptied her stomach out. He could feel her stomach heaving under his arm. His other hand held her hair out of her face. It was mostly bourbon. She hadn't eaten for hours.

"You're a mess, Swan," he told her.

She held her arms up like a little child and he scooped her up again. She wiped her mouth on her shirt sleeve. He started running again. He shifted her in his arms so she was sitting up a little more; her face pressed in against his neck.

She pressed her lips against his skin; he could feel it as if she had burnt him. She smelt of vomit, bourbon and the acrid sweaty after-odour of fear. And an underlying whiff of artificial strawberry from her shampoo.

She passed out. He smiled.

She had been terrified at the house. And drunk and half hysterical. And she had thought faster than he had. She was no fool, this girl. Stronger and smarter than she gave herself credit for.

He ran faster now he didn't have to worry about jostling her and causing her pain.

888888888888

Paul was waiting for him, just inside the forest.

"Give her to me, Sam," he suggested evenly.

Sam almost clutched her closer to himself.

"Why?"

Paul snorted. "You know why."

"Emily," Sam stated. It was stupid to have forgotten her.

"And you're naked dude… if _she_ hears about that?"

Sam lifted his chin; a tiny defiance of his imprint.

Paul saw it. "She's here… you can't feel her?"

"Fuck!"

"That's what I thought." He tossed some shorts at the ground and held his arms out.

Sam sighed heavily and then passed the unconscious girl across.

"Damn! She's light," Paul sniffed her hair. "And she **does** smell good under the bourbon and vomit." He chuckled.

Sam didn't react to that but it shocked him. He was seriously losing it if Paul knew that Shadow liked the way she smelt. And if Paul knew, so did Jared and probably some of the rest of the pack. He let out a long breath.

"Why are you doing this?" Sam asked him again.

"I fucking hate imprinting. And she needs some cover or Emily will tear her apart."

"Yeah…"

"I'll admit that she's not what I thought… I'm impressed… she was smart… " He glanced at Sam and grinned wickedly. "And **you** need serious therapy."

Sam put on the shorts. They strode out of the forest together and jogged to their destination. There was quite a crowd waiting for them outside of the tribal medical centre and Paul was right; Emily was there. Sam had tried to cut himself off from her so hard, that he hadn't even felt her presence.

She threw herself dramatically at him. Her eyes narrowed at the sight of Bella in Paul's arms. "Her," she grunted quietly.

Sam kissed his imprint and felt that tightness in his chest release; he could breathe again.

Paul kissed Bella's forehead and said in a low voice, "Come on girl. Let's get you stitched up." Someone held the door open for him and he swung her inside with a last quick glance at Sam as he stood there looking over Emily's head at them. He did not look happy.

**.com/watch?v=jjlVRWynkhM

/jjlVRWynkhM embed link

[To see the part of the movie Bella is talking about, search 'emperors new groove yzma kitten' on You Tube or watch?v=jjlVRWynkhM]

FF_2154210_ - 10/10/2011 03:38:00 AM


	21. I cannot repair

**21. I cannot repair**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>When Bella came to again, she was at the medical centre. Again. Her arm was held in some warm hands. She looked up at Jake's face.<p>

Jake smiled at her tentatively. "Well, here we are in the Emergency Room again, Bells."

She could tell from the tugging on her oddly deadened arm that she was being stitched. She didn't want to look.

"What's this mark?" the medic asked.

She looked at Jake for permission.

"He knows."

"Vampire bite," she muttered. Her voice sounded incredibly croaky and her mouth felt furry and awful. Stale bourbon and vomit.

"Seriously? Whoa." He made a noise. "I didn't think you got a second chance."

"No. Not normally. Another vampire sucked out the venom," Jake supplied.

"Wow." Silence as the medic processed that statement. "I suppose that would work," he conceded. He tugged at the wound a couple more times. "You made a mess of yourself, but I hear you were the hero," the medic commented.

"Bitching awesome," said Jake. "And kinda funny too."

She rolled her eyes. "Water," she croaked at him. He got up and filled a cup for her and handed it to her. After she had sipped some of it, she spoke, "I was being a _distraction_… and trying to give Sam room to phase."

"Yeah, right," Jake stated. "Sam was too distracted as it was, with handsy Bells." He chuckled.

She blushed. "Where's Leah?" she asked, desperately changing the subject.

Jake grinned. "Tearing shreds off Sam for putting Seth into danger. She's pretty pissed she missed the fight. She stayed with her mum."

"Seth was brilliant. Will Sam be all right?"

"They used to date, you know. I am fairly certain they have torn shreds off each other before. Besides," he added. "I'd know."

"Know what?"

"If she was hurt… being my imprint and all." He actually puffed up a little when he said that, Bella noticed.

"But you're here with me, now."

"Yeah… I talked to Leah about that. It's kind of weird… you're still …" he rolled his eyes. "You made me watch too many chick flicks Bells… all I can think of, is you're still in my heart…" he chuckled. "Sooo sounds like a chick flick line, doesn't it?"

"I'm your best friend."

He grinned at her. "Yeah… you are."

"And she's yours now…"

Jake looked like a complete teenage boy for just a second. "Yeah… I know… Leah Clearwater…" He said it as if she was a goddess. And then he almost blushed. "But not all mine yet … no time … for the physical stuff…"

Paul came into the room. "How is she?" he asked Jake.

"Hey, sitting right here," Bella protested.

The medic chuckled. He was bandaging her arm now. "You're all done. Jacob tells me you have been to the ER enough times to know the drill?" He passed her a bottle of pills.

She nodded.

"Okay, then," and he let himself out of the room.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Jake asked Paul.

"Cover."

"How so?" asked Jake.

Paul waved a hand between Bella and himself. Jake frowned.

"You're not imprinted," Jake guessed.

"No, not on anyone."

"Oh. I get it. Yeah I couldn't do that now. Good idea."

"What?" asked Bella plaintively. She hugged her aching arm up against her chest; holding it there with her other hand.

"Paul will explain," Jake said. He hugged her and left.

Bella looked at Paul with a completely confused look on her face.

"How do you feel?" he asked her.

"Ah… shocky… you know kind of cold and shaky… still a little drunk although I threw it all up on the way back… with Sam." She frowned at him. "You… hate me…"

"No, I don't."

"Uh huh… 'leech lover'?" she reminded him.

"Don't get me started," he warned her. "I hate that they were here and I hate what they do… the stuff they know about **and** the stuff they don't."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think we would be wolves if they weren't around?"

"Yeah. I know. I don't think they knew that…. Carlisle would never..." her voice trailed off. She didn't know what Carlisle thought; and he had come back to this area knowing that something had to happen with the local tribe and Edward knew as well, if he was there at the first treaty signing like Sam had said. She cleared her throat noisily. "Why do you think I did the third wife thing?"

"Oh you heard that story huh?"

"Yep, and it still doesn't explain what _you_ are doing."

Paul poured some more water into the standard hospital plastic tumbler. He climbed onto the bed and stretched one of his long legs down the bed behind her back; the other hung next to her thigh. She was almost sitting in his lap. He handed her the water. She resisted the urge to slide away from him.

She watched him as she sipped her water. He tilted his head as if he was listening very hard. Then he leant in and put his face right next to her ear.

"Here's the plan…" he whispered, low and quiet. "I do not know what is up with Sam and you … I have seen him watching you. I saw his face at the Cullen house with you and there is something going on. I know Sam and I know women, but I do **not** know what is happening between you two. But what I **do** know is that if Emily finds out, she will order him not to touch you, not to see you… and he will **have** to do it. She's his imprint."

"Have to?" she asked. Sam was all she had left; she couldn't lose him too.

Paul made a face. It looked like a mixture of doubt, frustration and concern. "She… abuses the imprint," he whispered. "Orders him about."

"Oh my god." Bella could not imagine why anyone would do that. And to Sam?

"We didn't know… we all thought that was how it was supposed to be… at least, until Jared and Kim…" he shrugged. "And now Jake and Leah."

"But they all… work…" she didn't know how to explain what she meant.

"Yeah, they do. That's how we know there is something wrong with Sam's."

She sat there. She had taken too many shocks today. She felt like crying again. "I-I need to get home…"

"I'll drive you," Paul offered. "And stay with you, if you want."

"Victoria's dead."

"I don't think you should be alone. You've had a rough day."

She gave him a second look. He was doing this for Sam, for the pack, not for her. She nodded slowly. "I'd appreciate that. Thanks."

"Embry brought the truck back."

"Cool."

He helped her get herself and her stuff together and then he shepherded her out of the room.

"Charlie is going to go nuts," she said.

"What's our cover story?" Paul asked.

"I'll think of something in the truck."

"Uh huh."

They had emerged into the main foyer of the medical centre. It was crowded with an assortment of people; all pack or pack related. Sam and Leah were standing toe to toe. Emily tucked in behind him; his hand reaching behind him to hold her there. Clearly Leah hadn't finished saying what she felt she needed to say.

"He did well, I was proud of him," Sam stated evenly. "Don't take that away from him, on today of all days." Bella guessed he was defending Seth.

Paul cleared his throat. "Sam?" Everyone looked at him. "What's the story for Charlie Swan?" he asked.

Leah looked red eyed and still visibly distressed.

"I am so sorry Leah," Bella offered her sympathy for the loss of her father.

Leah inhaled and reached behind her. Jake grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "Thanks," she muttered.

"You reek of bourbon," Jake pointed out. "Tell him the truth… you got drunk and freaked out."

"And fell over…" Bella finished.

Jake smiled at her. "And cut yourself on the bottle. Yeah, he'll believe that. And he'll understand the alcohol… today. He won't like it, but he'll understand."

"And you came here to be stitched rather than cause him more pain," suggested Paul. "In case he saw you at Forks hospital… again… 'cause they are still there for the moment."

"Okay. That'll work," Sam stated authoritatively. Emily's glare burned into her. She had her hand possessively on Sam's upper arm. Bella tried very hard, not to look at her or at Sam unless he was speaking directly to her.

"I'll stay with her," Paul said. He was standing very close to her. She could feel the heat from his body. "Keys?" he asked Embry.

"In the truck. Who's going to steal that piece of shit?"

"Hey…" Jake and Bella said it at the same time. Some difficult smiles cracked.

With a last glance at the assembled pack, Bella's new protector put his arm around her shoulder and got her outside. He hoisted her into her own truck and jogged around to the driver's side.

There was silence until they were more than halfway back to Forks.

"You okay?" he finally asked.

"I have cried more today than I ever want to do **ever** again," she stated.

"Yeah, don't do that. I'm not good with tears."

"So tell me again, why you are doing this?" she asked.

"Told ya. Hate imprinting." He couldn't help himself. He leered at her. "And I get to hang with the girl half the pack wants to fuck." He did the double eye brow raise. "Might get lucky…"

Bella blinked. "H-Half?"

"Well … can't count Jake anymore. He's gone to the dark side now, but you used to be all he fantasised about. And Jared has Kim. So that leaves Embry and Sam…" He shrugged. "And me," he conceded. "Seth thinks you are some kind of supernatural being after today …And when Quil comes over, that will really tip the balance. He's been eyeing you off since you started hanging in Jake's garage."

She blinked again. What the hell? "W-Why?" she asked.

"Really?" he asked. He looked like he was thinking about it. "Actually, I don't really know… guess you're different, but clearly it works for vampires too, huh?"

She supposed that it did. "Yeah," she agreed. "My supernatural attraction."

"Maybe it's a pack thing," he suggested as if he was thinking out loud. "The whole damn pack imprinted on you!" he laughed.

"This has officially been the weirdest day of my life… and I've had some weird days, I can tell you," she muttered.

"I'll bet," he agreed.

He drove some more.

He eventually broke the silence again. "That could be it, you know."

"What?"

"When the Alpha is angry, the pack is angry. Both Alphas care for you… does the pack take its behaviour from the leaders?"

"Both?"

"Jake is meant to be the leader; the alpha. Sam is only temping it until Jake says he wants it." He shrugged again. "So far he's been fighting not to take it. But he's got a whole lotta weight on his big shoulders. With his dad and the whole tribal leadership thing."

He glanced at her. "Sam has cared about you since we found you in the woods that night."

"You were there."

"Yep."

"I remembered today, with Sam."

"The look on his face when you pinched his ass," Paul chortled.

"You were at the house by then?" she spluttered.

"Yeah he sent out the call, we followed the bitch up to the house. She was so intent on getting you, she didn't even notice us. Using yourself as bait? That was smart and dumb at the same time."

"Yeah. Sam told me. And really dumb given poor Charlie just lost his best friend. I was just so tired of Victoria getting away with it all the time… "

"She had some wicked gift for escaping…"

"Might have been her skill," Bella suggested.

"How do you mean?"

"Vampires have skills. Edward could read minds. Why couldn't Victoria escape from the inescapable?"

"That's right… you told Jake all about them."

The pack mind still freaked her out sometimes. "So the pack will know… about this being fake." She waved a hand between them.

"Yeah." He gave her another grin. "But no one will tell Emily the truth. Or blab about the handsy drunken Swan. We are loyal to our alpha."

She snorted at him.

They reached her house without further conversation. She really wasn't sure what to do with her new bodyguard.

The phone was still hanging from the wall. She put it back on the receiver and went to walk away, but it rang almost immediately.

She looked at Paul, suddenly nervous that it might be Alice. She answered it, but it was Charlie. She took a deep breath.

"You're off the phone, finally. He held on until the kids got there," Charlie stated. Harry Clearwater was dead. She knew it already, but it was so like her father to tell her himself. No wonder Leah had stayed with her mother.

"Oh Dad. I am so sorry."

"We are about to leave the hospital. I'm gonna stay out at the rez tonight. Will you come out?"

"I think I might stay at home tonight," she suggested. She looked at Paul and raised an eyebrow. He shrugged. Clearly didn't have an opinion either way.

"Okay kiddo. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Sure, sure Dad. Give Sue my sympathies. I never know what to say…"

"She knows. Tomorrow."

"Bye Dad. Love you."

"Love you too kiddo." He hung up.

"Seth fought Victoria," Bella said.

Paul seemed to understand what she meant. He gave that kind of guy shrug thing they did when confronted by emotions. "He felt like tearing something apart."

"Did Sam know that?"

"Yeah, the instant he phased. Seth had run from the hospital… he phased and hid in the forest… he couldn't handle it. That's why he came in from a different angle. Sam told him to."

"Oh my god. And I was doing another drama queen stunt."

"It worked," Paul pointed out. "Don't beat yourself up. We can all sleep now. So much for arranging cover stories for Charlie, when he isn't here." His stomach rumbled. "Any chance of something to eat?" he asked. "Got to feed your new boyfriend."

"You are **not** my boyfriend," she snarked at him. And she waved her injured arm at him. "But if you are pretending, you had better cook for us both. You can cook?" she checked.

He grinned at her. "Sure can."

[AN: I HATE the one bite turns you into a vampire thing that SM wrote… I mean it's just dumb. Think about it… every time a vampire fed, they would turn the person or have to feed until they killed them. In any case, in her version they would start 'turning' after the first bite; and it's hard to eat your food while it's thrashing around becoming a vampire. The world would be overrun with vampires and they would run out of food. It doesn't make sense… add it to the list, I suppose. And she spent chapters making Victoria a bad ass vamp and then gave her a ridiculous voice… sigh.]

FF_2154210_ - 11/10/2011 03:53:00 AM


	22. Beneath the stains of time

**22. Beneath the stains of time**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Paul cooked dinner for them both and made sure she drank lots of water. Her head ached from all the crying and the bourbon.<p>

She suddenly realised that Alice Cullen might still be worried about her. She wasn't sure if she was still a black spot for Alice or not, so she sent her a quick email saying that she had survived, Victoria was dead and that the Quileute boys had helped her. She hoped that was not too subtle. In the end she added that Alice should ask Carlisle or Edward about the 'special abilities' of the Quileute and then it all might be clearer. Alice wasn't with them when they made the treaty. At least, Sam had said it was Edward and Carlisle who had negotiated the agreement. It pinged straight back into her in-box as un-sendable, but she supposed she had got it anyway, like her earlier messages.

She heard Paul call her to dinner. He really could cook. They talked at the table while they ate. She was actually hungry; she had barely eaten all day.

He had heard what she was screaming at the house of course, she hadn't thought clearly about that. Evidently the wolves could hear up to six miles in the forest or something insane like that.

"It's not your fault," he stated.

She sighed. "It just feels like it is. And if Quil goes too…"

"Aah… don't worry about him."

She frowned at Paul. "He's Jake's friend," she argued.

"No, I meant he'll be happy to phase."

"You think?"

"Yeah, he misses Embry and Jake too much. This will be a way for him to be back with them. He'll be fine."

"So different people take to it differently?" she probed. Paul was full of information.

"Heck yeah… man, you should have seen Embry. Early days he was a freaking mess. Sam thought he looked like a crack addict… all big eyed and shaking… nervous as a fucking bunny…" he chortled and stabbed his meal vehemently. "Of course, he had to be ordered to stay away from Jake and Quil and _not_ to tell them anything… he was a mess… and he's fine now," he added. As if that made it all better.

"I saw you cliff diving that day…" she muttered. Sam had promised to take her cliff diving. She suddenly lost her appetite and picked at her food now.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Have you asked me that about a thousand times today," she snapped at him.

He just looked at her, stood up, pushed his chair back and grabbed her bottle of pain pills from the kitchen counter and handed it to her.

"I'm sorry," she apologised.

He stood over her while she took the pills.

"I'm going to have a shower," he stated. She noticed that he didn't ask.

"Towels are in the cupboard in the bathroom."

She looked at the washing up and decided it could wait and with her arm, she wasn't sure she could do it anyway. She sat on the couch and flicked on the TV and when Paul came back downstairs some time later she was fast asleep. He turned everything off and carried her upstairs to her bedroom. He pulled off her shoes and thought about peeling her out of her jeans, but in the end, he just crawled in next to her. There was no way he was sleeping in Charlie's bed and the couch just didn't look comfortable.

She rolled over at some point in the night and plastered herself up against him. He was so warm. Like Jake. Like Sam. He didn't push her away.

888888888

Jake was joined at the hip to Leah and he was happy. Even for Jacob Black who could radiate happiness like some kind of gas powered giant star, this was different. Bella could see it and so could everyone else. And Leah was different too. The stressed out angry girl who had sulked for almost a year over losing Sam was gone. She was happy too. It was as if Jake's warmth was enough for them both.

Bella understood, she had always thought of Jake as her sun and now he was someone else's. Leah orbited around him and he only had eyes for her. They were never far apart. Leah was just over four years older than him and no one seemed to care. Jake certainly didn't look sixteen and now he didn't act it any more either.

Their joint imprint made sense to her. She guessed they would be the alpha pair. Just like in a proper wolf pack. But Jake was still reluctant to step up to alpha. Part of him was just not ready. And part of him was enjoying the lack of responsibility.

She didn't often see them at pack functions; they took every opportunity to be alone. And Leah and Emily still didn't really get on well. Paul assured her that they were having endless wild sex. What with both being wolves. They each had super fast healing and stamina. He sounded a little jealous.

The rest of the pack was fine. Seth and Leah were coping with their father's death. Like all grieving, it just took time and in one sense, Jake was there for them both. He was the big brother Seth had always wanted. And he knew better than anyone else, what they had to deal with. Sue Clearwater was, as always, a pillar of strength. She took over Harry's position on the tribal council.

Embry and Quil were best buddies again. Paul was right, Quil was very happy to be in the pack. And Jake's time was divided so they had each other again; best buddies reunited.

Jared and Kim were doing really well; trying to finish school and save their money to get a place of their own as soon as possible.

Sam just stoically plodded along; he did a good job as alpha and maybe Jake was reluctant to demote him as well. They kept up patrols but everyone needed a break after the whole Victoria threat. That was the week from hell for them all for a myriad of reasons.

She went to pack functions with Paul. Emily seemed less threatened by her, so she guessed that part of the plan had worked. But she didn't know how long she could keep doing this. She wasn't even sure _why_ she was doing this. It had somehow just happened.

Emily took every opportunity to criticise her; the way she dressed the way she stood, or walked. How nervous her demeanour was; the way she fiddled with her sleeves. Her job at Newtons wasn't a real job according to Emily. She asked why she was still hanging around the pack. The pack had saved her and now surely she had other things to do. She wasn't an imprint so what was she doing here. Etcetera etcetera. It went on and on.

Sam would shush her or distract her or ask her about something else.

With Jake so busy, understandably he didn't have as much time for her. Paul became her new best friend. It was the same and different to Jake. He touched her less than Jake but the touches were more deliberate. They were also location centric. If it was a pack function, he was particularly attentive. He would haul her onto his lap if the pack was watching a movie and Emily was there. If they were watching a movie at home, they would be at opposite ends of the couch.

It all looked good from far away. He held her hand and put his arm around her, but he didn't kiss her. And they didn't do anything else. He was just around. Sometimes he slept over but they didn't do anything. She wasn't sure if it was him keeping up appearances or why he was there; but he was some comfort and she didn't have nightmares when he was, so she allowed it. Charlie grizzled about that but she was eighteen, and she pointed out that he knew where she was and who she was with.

Sam's tortured eyes haunted her nightmares.

She was still dreaming of the black wolf. She was still running through the forest as she had done in her dreams before. But she knew what she was looking for now and it wasn't Edward. She was searching for Sam. And when she found him, their places were swapped. Now he was tangled up in the forest. The trees had grown hands and the grabbed at him; their roots had become cages that were slowly swallowing the agitated black wolf down. Dragging him down into the bowels of the earth. He was trapped and she stood watching; helpless to help him and unable to run away. Unable to leave him alone. If she tried to help him, her fingers dug into the earth too slowly to save him.

The dreams didn't come every night, but they still came. Mostly on the nights Paul wasn't with her.

Sam felt that he had miscalculated somewhere. He was very glad that Victoria was dead and with no real casualties other than the bite mark on Bella's arm. But now he had no excuse to avoid Emily. He had to be home more often.

He didn't see much of Leah and Jake outside of pack business; they were pretty caught up in each other. Leah had finally seen inside his head and it wasn't pretty. His relationship with Emily was so distorted by then. Leah half wanted to kill Emily and she could have done it now too, but neither Jake nor Sam would let her bear that weight. Sam understood that she still loved him too; it was just buried under the imprint. She stopped being so angry with him and worse, now she felt sorry for him. Jake kept her away from Emily for both their sakes.

Emily had caught a break there, because an angry Leah in her face was the last thing she would want.

He ramped up the construction business he wanted to start. And he employed some of the wolves, like Paul and Jared. Emily wasn't very happy about him spending less time at home. But he pointed out that they needed an income other than the stipend the Tribal council paid him. It just wasn't enough to live on. He still had to earn points to get sex. And these days he could hardly be bothered. He couldn't actually remember the last time they had sex. Thank the gods he could turn into a wolf and run… just run, until he was so exhausted and dishevelled she made him sleep in the guest room. It was virtually his room now. He had started keeping clothes in there so he didn't disturb Emily getting up to do a patrol change. And eventually he just slept in there without being told to.

Emily had backed off a little on the engagement thing. Somehow she understood that she couldn't push him too hard. And she felt safer and more sure of herself with Bella dating Paul too.

Sam did twice the patrols of anyone else. He argued it was the alpha's duty. But it wasn't. He just wanted to escape from his home. Fuck that. Call it a house. It wasn't a home. It wasn't _his_ home.

He lay in the guest bed where _she_ had napped one afternoon and he jacked off and thought of Bella.

Seeing her with Paul ate at him. He knew she was safe; safe from him and safe from Emily. But was she safe from Paul? He was the only option really. Embry thought of Bella as having Jake cooties; she was still _his_ in his mind. Seth was just too young and Quil phased days after the fight with Victoria and got predictably shitty for missing it all. He was overjoyed to be back with his friends though. He thought being a wolf was the neatest thing ever.

Sam argued with Shadow about it. She's grown up and can make her own decisions. I can't offer her anything. I am bound. Shadow was getting seriously irked by Emily and it was taking everything Sam had to keep him on a tight leash. He was even more subservient to her to make sure she had nothing to complain about. Christ, if he said "yes dear" one more time…

He woke one night from a dream, his heart pounding and covered in sweat. He dreamt he had killed Emily. He could still see his semi clawed hand tear off the back of her head. The pain in his chest made it almost impossible for him to breathe. But the real issue was that he wasn't sure if it was a nightmare or a dream. His fractured heart ached in his chest.

He thought about Bella and Paul. She could have had a human boyfriend. She could have lived a human life. Been a normal teenager. Gone to the prom with a handsy date in a bad tuxedo and a frilled shirt. The pack had killed Victoria to give her that. To give her a second chance. Why didn't she take it? She kept up the Paul charade as well. She could have done it for a while and then dumped him. Lord knows, he gave her reasons enough. If she knew about those… maybe she didn't. She seemed delightfully vague and naïve sometimes.

She still hung with the pack, regardless of how badly she was treated by Emily. Kim and Bella seemed to get on, so at least she had that. Seth adored her, and the rest of the guys looked after her too.

Did she stay for him? He thought she might be. He hoped she was, not that he could offer her anything.

Sam and Bella were reduced to well-timed longing glances. Occasionally, the back of their hands brushed together. Or he touched her on the arm. A tiny stroke with his finger. A squeeze of the arm. A hand on the back. Once he brushed her cheek in the kitchen. He inhaled her scent whenever he could get close enough to her to do it. He teased her about how she always wore the same pair of worn out Converse shoes.

He was so regretting that quick brush of the lips on the cliff top now. It made it worse. He was regretting it for two reasons. That he did it at all and secondly, that he didn't do it properly. He wanted to kiss her properly. He wanted to feel her skinny little arms around his waist. He wanted her hands on his naked ass for real. He wanted to bury himself in her.

Somehow, over time, Shadow's interest in her had influenced the man. He had got to know her at the Cullen house and he liked her. He wanted Bella now as well. Lord knows their god given imprint was a disappointment for them both.

FF_2154210_ - 12/10/2011 12:59:00 PM


	23. The feelings disappear

**23. The feelings disappear**

_Disclaimer:__ the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer__-__this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Bella still had her final months of school left. She had kept her head down and got her schoolwork done. She made a return to the diligent student of the past. It compensated somewhat for her zombie months. And she needed to lift her grades. There were too many things she had forgotten to hand in or had not done her best in. Her grade point average was shot to pieces.<p>

Somehow it had got around the school that she was dating Paul. They were seen together often enough at La Push and Forks literally was a small town. It didn't take long for the gossips to have them as the latest hot item. Most couldn't work out why they were together or why Paul was dating at all. He seemed happiest playing the field, after all. Mike was especially scathing. She remembered his comment about girls being cruel when she denied she was dating Jake. She couldn't deny Paul, now, but she argued that Jake was dating someone else and he was happy. She didn't dump Jake, he kind of dumped her. Mike didn't believe her.

Paul scared away any other guys and she quite liked that. She was tired of being the flavour of the month at Forks High School. No guy touched Paul's girl. They wouldn't risk his wrath; his fearsome reputation worked there. It was the only way she could get anything from Sam. Although the tiny touches he gave her were killing them both.

Paul actually came out to pick her up after school in the car park one afternoon. He must have run to Forks and was waiting by her truck. Wearing a pair of cut-offs and nothing else as per usual pack clothing standards. She saw him as she came out of the school. Unfortunately so did everyone else.

Lauren and Jessica went nuts. "Is that Paul Lahote? Oh my god! Look at him," they gushed. "Check out that body… those abs…"

"He's a god," Lauren prayed.

"A **sex** god, I hear," Jessica added; worshipping at the altar of Lahote.

Bella did look at him. He bounced agitatedly in place. He never could sit still for very long and he must have been waiting for a little while. He had no patience, she knew that. And he was so physical; he was always moving.

Lauren frowned as she realised whose truck he was bouncing next to. "Is he waiting for **you**?" she sounded horrified.

"Ahh …yeah… I guess so," Bella mumbled.

"What? There is no way I believed that weird-ass rumour that he was with you… I mean… _you_?" Lauren sniped.

Bella mumbled something that no one heard. She just looked like she didn't really believe he was with her either. But then Paul saw her and jogged across to her. Bella knew that he must have heard the girls talking. He had his signature smirk plastered on his face and his eyes locked onto her. She almost took a step back from him; he looked predatory. He swept her up in an embrace. One hand on the back of her head and the other low on her back. He wound himself around her. And he was half naked.

"I _**missed**_ you," he said loudly in a voice heavy with longing.

Lauren and Jessica made some small noise; a snort of disbelief and jealousy.

Bella knew it was a performance for the bitches but she was not so sure that upsetting them was a good idea. But Paul had already picked her up and was intently carrying her back to her truck. He wrapped her thighs around his waist. She had to put her arms around his neck to hang on.

"What are you doing?" she hissed at him.

"Picking you up, honey," he crooned.

"You're an ass," she told him.

"So everyone tells me."

888888

Bella was baking and Paul was sitting at the kitchen table at her house reading one of Charlie's sports magazines. She had an issue with a recipe. It had left out one vital step. She was now dragging the pan out of the oven and trying to pour the mixture back into the mixing bowl.

"Stupid fucking magazine," she swore. Paul glanced up at her. "They should have people to check these things… prebake them and make sure it actually works."

Paul looked amused.

"Christ, I said fuck," she realised.

Paul just laughed at her.

"Oh my god," she wailed. "Listen to my potty mouth… this all comes from hanging around you!" she accused him, pointing at him with the spatula.

"You can't blame me…" he defended.

"No, this is all your fault. All the pack swears like nothing on earth. And you are one of the worst and now **I** have a potty mouth."

"Your potty mouth needed updating," he pointed out. "I think it is finally into the 20th century… just one more century to go and you'll be good."

"What? What does that mean?"

"Really, Bella? Are you actually asking that?"

"Yeah." She sounded put out now.

"Okay." He put down the magazine. "Your swearing is archaic. What the hell does 'holy crow' mean?" he asked her.

"I …I don't know. It's just a phrase… I don't know where I got it," she blustered.

"A phrase," he repeated. "That you use like a swear word and you don't know what it means?"

"Yes, like you use phrases and **you** don't know what they mean," she argued.

"Uh huh. For example?" he prompted.

She looked like she was thinking for a second. "Like 'oh yeah, I love you baby'."

She froze. She was so aghast that she had said that.

Paul was just staring at her and then he guffawed.

888888888

Bella did not know what was up with Lauren and Jessica today but she had one of those feelings that their whispered conferences and snarky giggling phone calls and texts had everything to do with her. She just didn't know _how_ yet. They kept looking at her and whispering, when normally they avoided her like the plague. They preferred to pretend she didn't exist. She just sincerely hoped she survived whatever it was. But then she lifted her chin a little; she had survived vampires. These bitches could do nothing to her.

Paul was waiting for her in the car park.

"Oooh now he's gonna get it," she heard Lauren crow. Ah mystery solved. The issue was Paul or technically Paul and her. She rolled her eyes. He was supposed to make her life easier, not more complicated.

He saw her coming and jogged over to her. He attracted quite some attention when he did it. He actually had a shirt on today. On his best behaviour she thought to herself.

Paul grabbed her around the upper arm and tugged her over to her truck. "I have to talk to you," he hissed at her.

"Yeah, talk your way out of this one," snarked Jessica.

"Paul, what is going on?" Bella asked as they walked.

"You want to do this here?" he said.

"Do what?" She was so confused.

"Have our first fight."

"Fight? Really? What's it about?" She glanced around at the observing crowd. "I feel left out. Everyone else seems to know except me, Paul. Now, just spit it out."

"I snuck up to Port A, late on Saturday night. You had that thing with Charlie and Billy."

"I remember."

"Bella, I picked up a girl. And Jessica saw me."

"So, that doesn't mean anything," she blustered.

Paul sighed. "No, she _saw_ me and I think she told Emily. I'm not even sure how they know each other…"

She blinked. "Saw you what?"

"I didn't have much time… you know…" he explained.

"No, I don't know."

"I had to be back to collect you at ten. So I was quick," he shrugged.

"Quick? With the girl from the club?" she was still confused.

"Yeah," Paul agreed as if he was glad she had finally caught up. Of course, she still hadn't.

"Oh… and she _saw_ you… saw you what?"

"Out the back of the club, she snuck out for some of her own probably… or maybe to have a smoke…"

Bella interrupted. "Maybe it was just someone you knew. Things can look different in the dark you know." She was a bit slow on some things outside of her experience. Especially when it came to sex. She thought he must have been kissing someone.

Paul gave her a look and sighed heavily. "No Bella … I was fucking her in the alley behind the club."

"You fucked a girl in an alley." Her voice sounded unemotional and even; yay for her.

"Just for a quickie."

"A quickie," she repeated.

"Yeah. You know… because I'm dating you," he pointed out.

"Oh my god." She had never thought about it, but if Paul was supposed to be dating her, then he wasn't having sex with anyone else. Or maybe he was, but it was just his so-called quickies in dark alleys behind clubs with girls he had just met. That sounded just awful and unattractive to her. "Oh my god," she repeated.

"You should probably look more upset," he hinted.

"Oh I never thought about that. How difficult it must be for you. I am so sorry."

"No Bella. Upset with **me**," he reminded her. "For cheating on you. You just look sorry for me right now."

"Oh okay. Should I slap you?"

"What! Why?"

"They always do that in the movies and stuff. Can I slap you?"

He sighed. "Fine you can slap me. And shout a bit you know."

"Should I cry?"

"Can you cry on demand?" he asked. He actually looked interested in that.

"No."

"Okay… so no crying then."

"Shouldn't you look more apologetic?" she checked.

"Have I apologised yet? Or am I still explaining."

"I dunno… hasn't this taken longer than the quickie itself?"

"Hey, I'm no two pump chump, you know. My quickies are longer than most people's longies," he blustered.

"Eww … I do _not_ need to know that."

"You sure? That would solve a few problems." He got another look on his face. His eyes darkened.

Her eyes narrowed. "Can I slap you _now_?"

He almost grinned; his mouth twitched. "Sure, sure."

She hauled her arm back and went to whack him but he grabbed her wrist. His hand felt so unbelievably hot.

"Please baby…" he begged dramatically and rather too loudly she thought.

"Baby?" she queried. "Don't call me baby." She lifted her other arm, but he grabbed that one too.

She almost giggled. "Now what?" she hissed at him. She was not sure what her next cue was in this performance for their audience.

But then he lifted her arms and turned her back to her truck and pressed his whole body up against hers, jamming her up against the side of the vehicle. She squeaked. He was so big and so hard.

"I'm sorry!" he wailed. "Please Bella… forgive me…" He ducked his head down. She couldn't move… And then he kissed her.

She had always stopped breathing and fallen over when Edward kissed her. And a quick brush of Sam's lips was all she had ever got from him. She had ducked Jake's attempted kisses. But Paul clearly knew what he was doing. He _really_ knew how to kiss. And the girls thought he was a sex god. A guy who could talk someone he had just met into having sex with him in an alley.

And he was kissing **her**.

Wow.

And she was kissing him.

"Oh puleez," whined Lauren.

He was still kissing her and he was so warm and his hands seemed to be everywhere at once and he was so **warm**… and her hands seemed to be everywhere too and she couldn't work out when that had happened because he was holding her wrists wasn't he…and she slid her hands up under his shirt… and oh…

He pulled his head back and she opened her eyes. She didn't even know when they had closed. They just looked at each other. She looked up at him and she blinked.

"Hot damn, girl," he muttered.

His big hands almost covered her whole back and he was pressing her in against him.

"Paul?" she asked tentatively.

"Bella." It was a statement.

"Can we go home now?"

"Yes."

Silence.

"Paul?"

"Bella." He was still looking at her. Staring at her incredulously.

"We're not moving," she pointed out.

"Just give me a minute," he said in a low husky voice.

"A minute?"

He gave her a look that was so eloquent she understood completely what the problem was… and now she could _feel_ that problem.

"Is that…? Oh my," she said. Like Sam on the cliff top.

"All me," he assured her wickedly. "You sure you don't want to find out?" he whispered to her.

"Oh." She did that to him. To Paul Lahote, the sex god. Wow.

"So I'm forgiven?" he asked.

"Ah… yeah… I suppose so." If she wasn't with him; she wouldn't see Sam at all.

FF_2154210_ - 12/10/2011 08:13:00 PM


	24. You are someone else

**24. You are someone else**

_Disclaimer:__ the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer__-__this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Bella actually started to think about it. Kissing Paul. Paul's reputation. Paul's body. Parts of Paul's body hard and pressed up against her. How he had felt wrapped around her. She was 'dating' the town's sexiest man and she wasn't getting any and everyone thought she was. Her 'boyfriend' was an acknowledged sex god. And she was a virgin. When they were alone, he teased her about being a virgin. Eighteen and still clutching her V card. She watched Sam carefully and he wasn't giving her anything more than he used to; a touch or a longing glance. And worried eyes.<p>

And Paul wasn't getting any sex either now.

After the dramatic scene in the school car park, Paul was forgiven but he was being especially good for her; behaving himself like a 'real' boyfriend. He had made a mistake and handed Emily more ammunition. Emily had heard about her forgiving him publicly; probably from one of the bitches and she made it her new aim to find out Paul gossip.

But as a result, he wasn't getting as much sex as he was used to; if any. Being good for Bella was cramping his style and she was not the kind of person that anyone would believe would allow her man to play away knowingly. The pack knew he was doing it before he got caught, but Bella hadn't known.

He pushed. He pushed at her. He argued that they ought to have makeup sex because they had just had their first fight. He kissed her at wolf functions. He did it in front of Emily so she couldn't fight him off and a large part of her was not sure she wanted to fight him off. He was such a good kisser. Emily snorted derisively when she saw them do it but she had nothing to throw in Paul's face now.

The whole world was obsessed with sex and she was fast becoming a nineteen year old virgin. Everyone else in the pack was having epic sex lives that they always laughed about. Kim was telling her one day about how sweat soaked their sheets were. How often they have to change their pillows. How she had to keep isotonic drinks and energy bars at hand or she lost too much weight or passed out. Leah added that it was worse with two wolves in the bed.

Sam didn't make any funny sex story contributions. He just locked eyes with Bella and looked sad. The rest of the pack watched with wary eyes.

Bella can't even imagine what they are all talking about. She had no idea what sex was really like, let alone epic wolf sex. And they all seemed to have sex a lot. High metabolism? Maybe? As if she knew? Even her little Jake was so different now. And he and Leah were so physical and so obvious with each other and he was only sixteen. She watched them together and it made it worse.

The pack was so physical anyway; just like a pack of real wolves they were always touching each other. Even if it was a punch in the shoulder, a smack up the back of the head or a head lock. But the imprinted couples were constantly within touching distance. She was sure they didn't even know they did it. Even Sam and Emily did that.

But she started to think about it. Paul. Her and Paul. Paul and her.

She flirted with masturbation when Paul wasn't around. She was so wound up, she had to do something. But it didn't really help; almost made it worse.

She and Paul were watching a movie that turned unexpectedly sexy. It was "A history of violence" a David Cronenburg film. It should have been a horror movie about personal chaos and psychological confusion like all his other movies. But there was a scene early on where the husband and wife were having sex. And they did what Paul cheerfully informed her was a sixty nine.

He chuckled about how rare it was to see that in a mainstream movie and he rewound it and watched it again. The woman was wearing her old cheerleader uniform to please her husband. Paul joked about how Bella was too clutzy to be a cheerleader, but that she'd look cute in the uniform. She had the legs for it, he told her.

She argued that she was pale and unattractive and could never wear anything that short or revealing. He just frowned at her and shook his head.

She squirmed uncomfortably, when he rewound it again. She was sure he did it to get to her. Then the movie moved into safer, more violent Cronenburg territory. But again, there was a later scene where the woman discovered the duality of her husband and they have angry wild sex on the stairs that she seemed to enjoy at the time but she ended up bruised and battered. As if she was fucking the other man she now knows her husband to be and it was different for them both.

Bella thought about the dual nature of the wolf boys; that someone as cheery and child-like as Seth or as thoughtful as Embry can tear something, that is effectively alive, apart with their teeth. She saw Seth do it; tear of Victoria's arm right in front of her. They were just as dangerous as vampires, but in a different way. Seth; adorable little Seth.

"Do the pack hunt animals?" she suddenly blurted out.

Paul gave her a look. "There is no way I can answer that without upsetting you," he told her.

She guessed that was a 'yes' then.

Paul watched her; judging her reaction. "Fish get boring," he said. "And we don't have a lot of money and we eat a lot."

She supposed that made sense. People paid a fortune for venison. Paul was still watching her. She nodded. "I understand," she said, but she wasn't sure she did. Did they feed in human or wolf form?

8888

Paul came over one day to collect her before some function. He walked into her room and threw himself down on her bed while she was typing an email to her mother. She almost tried to stop him. She had been taking advantage of the empty house and reading something mildly erotic and she had slipped her hand inside her own panties. Paul could smell it instantly. She could just tell when he had picked up the scent. He snuffled around on her bed, looking oddly wolf-like all of a sudden. He seemed to develop extra vertebra with the way he had bent himself.

He gave her a look. And then with his eyes still linked to hers, he lowered his face to her sheets and he sniffed.

"Damn, girl," he muttered.

She just blushed.

"I could help you with that," he offered in a low sexy voice.

"No thanks," she squeaked.

"Why? Are you frightened of me?"

"No."

"I know you think I'm attractive," he stated. "I know you like kissing me. That afternoon in the school car park I could have had you. I could have had you up against the side of your truck in front of everyone and I don't think you would have stopped me."

She gasped at the thought. Christ. She knew that he was right. She could not have stopped him if he had wanted to do that. Did he want to do that?

"Not quite how I imagined my first time," she blustered.

"Ha!" he crowed as if he had won a point in the argument. "So you **are** thinking about it."

He crawled on her bed towards her. "Come on Bella, I'm horny," he encouraged. He rolled onto his back and looked up the top of his head towards her. His mouth was open and she could see all along the line of his body. It made her breath falter. He looked like a model in a sexy magazine; sprawled on her bed. He ran his hands down the front of his own body.

"I don't love you," she finally barked at him before he started sliding his hands inside his own jeans and playing with himself on her bed.

"Yeah, so?" He looked completely un-offended.

She blinked. She was so tied up in her romantic novel ideas of love. Wuthering Heights. Romeo and Juliet. Pride and Prejudice.

"Oh for fucks sake," he exclaimed. "Tell me you are not…" he stopped and shook his head in disbelief.

"Not what?" she asked.

"Waiting for Mr. Right."

She couldn't answer him. Her mouth just gaped at him.

He barked out one of his odd braying laughs. "You are… Seriously?" he laughed again. And then he rolled over. She had his full attention now and it was blinding. She gasped. "Beellaaaa…" he called to her. "Come onnn… I'm Mr. Right Here… will I do?" he asked in a deep voice.

She squeaked out some words that made no sense whatsoever.

He crawled towards her again. "Who are you waiting for, Bella? Jake's gone," he paused. "Your vampire wasn't up to the task… probably just as well…" He stopped suddenly and then he got another look on his face. He sat back suddenly on his heels. "Oh man, was he waiting too? Edweird?"

She just nodded. She felt no betrayal of Edward's secret; he had left her.

Paul laughed until he cried. He rolled around on her bed clutching at his sides and laughing his head off.

"A **vampire**…" he exclaimed. "The fucking best human predator ever invented… and the whole genre at the minute is all about uber sexy vampires… he has that whole Mesmer scent thing going on… and he was attractive in a skinny white boy way … a Goth would probably jump him… and he has never got his end in? Oh that is fucking unbelievable. … wait until I tell the pack…"

"What do you mean Mesmer scent thing?" she interrupted his chortling.

"Vamps have this effect on humans… their scent makes them kind of compliant, quiet… easier to kill. Seems too fucking easy to me. As if they don't already have super speed and strength. Seems unfair that when they get close enough, they smell so good your mind goes all zombied… and then they can just make you forget everything that happened. Glamour you…" he grumbled. "Well not _my_ mind because they smell like dead sweet shit to me… but you know what I mean…"

Edward had told her that, hadn't he? 'Everything about me invites you in' or something he said that first time they went to the meadow. When he had explained what he really was. Showed her how he sparkled in the sunlight. That might explain why she could never be angry with him or stay away from him. Or seem to have a mind of her own, where he was concerned. The thought chilled her to the bone. She really might have been mindless where he was concerned.

"Why not?" Paul asked.

"Sorry?"

"**Why** didn't he have sex?"

She thought about it. "I don't know. He could read minds… that can't have helped…"

"Shit; that just makes it **easier**… no second guessing… do you want to fuck me… oh, you do… too easy."

"He was old," she blustered.

"Fucking not old enough, obviously… I mean if he was a 1,000 year old Viking I guarantee he would jump anything male or female… or a Frenchman of the right era… fuck, a Frenchman of _any_ era…"

"No, he was born in the Victorian era…" Lord knows why she was defending him.

"Bwahaha… the 100 year old virgin… bwahaha," Paul started clutching at his sides again.

At least Paul was laughing so hard that he forgot about deflowering her that afternoon. But he didn't forget for long.

She suggested that they should break up, even though she knew she would probably never see Sam again. Paul argued against it. He argued that he had put too much effort into this 'relationship' to back out of it now. He used finger apostrophes.

He stepped up the sensuality campaign.

And he knew what he was doing. He held her closer. He pulled her back against the front of his body and slid his arms around her; rubbing himself against her back. He touched her neck. He slid his face in close to her and breathed on her. It sounded weird but felt amazing; his heated breath gusting across the pulse in her neck. He assured her it was complete self interest. He wasn't getting any and he wanted some. And he wanted some from _her_… that was what he whispered to her.

And it did seem rather silly to be waiting … for her husband on her wedding night…like **that** was ever going to happen.

And she got nothing from anyone else… or from … Sam.

FF_2154210_ - 13/10/2011 11:19:00 PM


	25. I am still right here

**25. I am still right here**

_Disclaimer:__ the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer__-__this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Sam was so conflicted. He watched Bella with Paul and his heart ached. It hurt. It hurt to see them together. To see Paul touching her, kissing her, lying in her lap. To see that kiss in the school car park in Paul's memories. She had surprised Paul with her passionate response.<p>

The other imprints were happy. He had to be with Emily for a reason. He believed in the will of the gods. Maybe they could see something that he couldn't? There had to be a reason for them to be together. He was such a stoic. Rules worked. They protected people. That was what he thought. He didn't know how to deal with Emily. He, the great leader, didn't know what to do.

But Shadow was not happy with the turn of events. He growled at Paul's wolf on patrols.

The next time Sam had the dictionary out, he looked up 'covet'.

**Covet: **1. To feel blameworthy desire for (that which is another's). See Synonyms at envy.

2. To wish for longingly. See Synonyms at desire. . To feel immoderate desire for that which is another's.

Blameworthy desire. It was singularly appropriate. He had put them together and now he had to watch them. He had to watch them _be_ together.

Immoderate desire. Excessive desire. Was it? He supposed it was. She wasn't his. She had never been his. She was her own person. Just because his wolf took a liking to her didn't mean she belonged to him. He had his own blessed god given imprint. He should be happy. But he wasn't. And he could offer Bella nothing. It hurt just to kiss her. He could not imagine how much it would hurt to try and do anything else with her. He was stuck with Emily.

It was killing him.

At least Paul wasn't having sex with her either, he told himself. Paul's rarely shared pack memories of Bella were usually of her resisting his advances now. He had taken great delight in telling them about Edweird, the hundred year old virgin and they had all laughed at how ridiculous that was. Sam got the impression that Bella was still a virgin too.

But Sam knew that no one could resist Paul forever. Not if he really put his mind to it. And her passionate reaction to that kiss had intrigued Paul. And an interested Paul with a target was a dangerous thing. And more worryingly, Paul seemed to be happy with her. She made him laugh, she fed him, and she looked after him. She behaved like a girlfriend except for the sex.

He just wanted Bella to be happy. Would having sex with Paul make her happy? He didn't know. So far, she was still resisting him. But Shadow was not happy at all with the way things were going.

* * *

><p>Paul was in Bella's dreams now. She was lost in the forest as per usual, but he found her. And then the dream progressed. She and Paul were doing things she tried not to let herself think about when they were awake. He was kissing her and tearing her clothes off and pushing her down to the forest floor. They were having sex on the leaf litter of the forest. Having sex in a small clearing ringed with trees, so that it was almost like a depression or an amphitheatre stage. And their only audience was the black wolf.<p>

He watched them, the way he had always watched her in her dreams before. But she knew he was not happy about this. Dream Paul completely ignored the black wolf. Maybe he couldn't see him at all. And dream Bella was too busy being seduced to ask him if he could see the wolf. Each time she looked in the direction of the wolf, Paul would pull her face back to his.

And eventually, as she cried out under Paul's thrusting body, the black wolf growled at her.

He had never done that before. Or was he growling at Paul? She didn't know.

She woke up with her panties so damp she had to change them. They were saturated. She was not sure if it was dreaming of the sex with Paul or that Sam/Shadow was watching them do it that had excited her so much. She didn't want to analyse that one too closely. She wondered not for the first time, why she didn't have dreams that she could actually look up in some dream dictionary. What the heck was her mind trying to tell her with that one? Was it telling her to have sex with Paul?

She didn't get to talk to Sam. He just touched her occasionally. But he wasn't kicking Emily to the kerb. He was still there, in that house and in that relationship. Emily told everyone they were engaged now and Sam didn't deny it anymore. She wasn't game to touch Sam herself; her hearing was not as good as his and she didn't want to get caught by Emily and put him into more trouble. And have Emily hate her even more.

Paul was really pushing her now. He played the perfect boyfriend for Charlie. He gave great parent. He was solicitous and attentive. He was always around now, hanging at her house, picking her up from school. And she fed him and let him stay over. Charlie grumbled about that but she was over eighteen and there really wasn't a lot he could say when she just argued that she could go to Paul's house. Not that she had ever really gone to his house, but Charlie didn't know that. She told him that they weren't doing anything and then blushed like a tomato. Charlie just gave her a look and then embarrassed them both by trying to initiate a conversation about birth control.

Paul convinced her to watch erotic movies with him. He assured her that it was not porn. He didn't sit at the other end of the couch now.

He was becoming almost impossible for her to resist. He touched her all the time. He stroked the skin of her hands. He played with her hair. He put his arm around her. He kissed her. He kissed her in the crook of her elbow. He wound himself around her. He stroked her skin with those long heated fingers. He ran them along her neck. He trailed his fingers up her arms, until she got goose bumps and smacked at him with her hands. And he would just laugh and blow her a kiss, and dance out of her reach. And even doing that he was worth watching.

He whispered to her; that he would look after her. That he knew what he was doing. That he was not a fumbling virgin. That she will have the best first time ever in his capable hands. Under his capable body. That he would give her the world's best orgasms. That she would have orgasms so good she would pass out. That he could do that for her. That he could kiss and lick her everywhere. She shivered at that.

He plastered her up against his body in her bed and his hand snaked inside her shirt and stroked the skin of her breast. Her heart pounded in her chest and her mouth went dry.

He was so physical and so attractive. And part of her burned with the knowledge that everyone thought she was having sex with him anyway.

At the next wolf function he threw himself onto the couch and put his head in her lap. And she found herself playing with his hair and stroking his face while she was talking to Kim and he watched her with a look in his eyes that made her heart rate increase. And he knew it did; he could hear it. Another night she was sitting between his legs at a bonfire and he drew circles on the skin of her legs; his hot breath on her neck and his clever fingers creeping up the flesh of her thighs, until Quil told them to get a room. Sam just glanced at them and inhaled sharply.

She found herself watching Paul more… the way he moved… the way other women watched him with naked lust on their faces. Her 'boyfriend' was sex on legs. She swore she nearly creamed her jeans when she saw a guy with the same look on his face. The thought of two guys together just threw her for a loop.

"Doesn't it freak you out?" she asked him. "The way people look at you like you are something to eat?"

He shrugged. "I'm not Seth or Jake and never noticed them… I used to take it where I found it. Quil's doing better now… but I don't know about Em though; he's still too shy."

Used to. She heard that. Past tense. Another subtle reminder of how good he was being for her.

Now she has started watching other people's reactions, she saw the way they looked at her. She was with _**him**_. He was supposed to be hers. He held her hand and hugged her. He slid his big hand into the back of her jeans and rubbed his thumb over the skin at the small of her back. And now she saw the envious looks women gave her when they were out together.

They were at Sam and Emily's one night and she was really subdued. Paul picked up on it and asked if she was okay. She was quiet; she shook her head at him and said nothing. She found Emily nauseating; the too perfect house and Sam's tortured eyes gnawed at her. She felt so battered by Emily's constant little snide remarks. Paul asked again later if she was okay. She answered that she was tired and Paul said he would take her home. He just picked her up and wrapped her legs around his waist. Holding her with one hand under her butt, while Sam passed him her backpack. She made eye contact with Sam and he just looked worried for her and asked if she was coming down with something. She shook her head at him. He looked like he wanted to put his hand on her forehead, to check her temperature but he stopped himself.

She snuggled into Paul and put her arms around his neck. They left and when he got her outside he spoke, "It's making you nuts isn't it? Emily's shit."

She nodded.

He pressed her up against the side of the truck and rhythmically pushed his groin into her. He stared into her eyes while he did it.

She closed her eyes and she let him do it. It felt good. "You know how weak I am," she told him.

"Yeah," he grinned. "I know." He leaned down and rubbed his nose up her neck. "I can smell how much you like it Bella." They stood there not moving for a minute. "I'm driving you home," he stated.

She watched him as he drove. Charlie was at the rez for the whole night and they both knew it. She didn't throw him out. She tried to, but he just wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.

And he was so strong. He could just pick her up and deposit her in his lap and tell her that was enough time playing 'hard to get' and it was about time that she kissed him back properly, like she had done before. He had liked that. Which was exactly what he did. And she knew that kissing him was something that made her feel really good. And she did it.

And that kind of clinched it.

He had worked out that she wouldn't initiate it. But she wouldn't say 'no' either.

He **did** take his time. He could have overpowered her so easily, but he had one last game. He wanted her to beg for it. He took a few days to wear her down. He kissed her until she couldn't breathe… until she was grinding herself on him. Days of sliding his long fingers into her clothing… of pressing his hard erection into her… of sucking and fondling her breasts until she came from that alone… until she was begging him to go all the way. And boy, did he.

He went all the way and he took her with him.

FF_2154210_ - 15/10/2011 02:25:00 AM


	26. What have I become? R

**26. What have I become? R**

_Disclaimer:__ the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer__-__this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

**[AN: I am not going to write the Bella Paul sex… heck, go read Apologies… lol… this is really a Sam/Bella story… no really, it is…although I won't say never on doing an outtake sometime in the future… this is a big chapter, but there's just nowhere to split it.]**

* * *

><p>Bella and Paul moved on in their relationship. The fake had become real. But no one really noticed because they had kind of got used to seeing them together all the time anyway.<p>

She was at Sam's at yet another pack function. They needed more ice. Bella offered to go buy it. None of the pack liked to carry it; it was too cold. She went out to her truck but came right back.

"Paul? Have you got the keys?" she called.

"Yeah, sorry." He had been getting extra food from the buffet table and was about to sit down and he had a plate in one hand and a beer bottle in the other. "In my pocket," he said to her.

She stood right in front of him and slid both hands into the front pockets of his jeans. She had pulled herself in against him. He looked down at her with a smile as his arms were held up out of the way. Keeping his plate and his beer level.

"Watch it Swan," he chided.

"I know what I'm looking for," she responded.

He gave that obvious kind of man chuckle.

The whole pack looked at them. They didn't notice. They were too busy looking at each other.

"Oh, here they are," she crowed. She withdrew her hands, waved the keys at him and backed away, spinning on her heel and bouncing away to walk to her truck. He didn't take his eyes off her as she did it. A half smile plastered on his face as he watched her leave.

"What?" said Paul as he blinked and realised the whole pack was staring at him.

"She didn't fall over," said Embry.

"No," said Quil. "That was almost acrobatic for her…"

"And the way her hair bounces like that," breathed Seth.

Sam's eyes narrowed. He made some excuse and went into the house. He snuck out the front door and headed into the forest. He phased and ran to the garage, beating her truck there easily. He was waiting for her by the ice machine.

"Sam? What are you doing here?" She looked genuinely surprised and pleased to see him. They were alone; it was a rare thing.

He dragged her by the arm around behind the machine. "Are you fucking him?" he barked at her.

She just looked at him for a beat. Then her eyes hardened. And her mouth tightened. "What's it to you? You're engaged."

"I am **not**! She just keeps telling people that! Answer me!" He felt like grabbing her and shaking her like a kitten.

Instead of wailing and backing off, she attacked him. "Are you fucking **her**?" she demanded.

"Her?"

"Emily." She spat the name at him.

His imprint thread yanked hard, at just the mention of her name. His head jolted back. His jaws clamped shut.

He didn't answer, so Bella continued, "She's trying to get pregnant isn't she… that's what she keeps telling us all. What is it? The immaculate conception? It can't happen without you, Sam."

"Please, don't do this," he whispered.

She looked distressed for a second. All her emotions fled across her face. "I can't…" she whispered back at him.

"I know… I've got nothing," he begged. "I've offered you nothing… I can't even give you my heart. But… please…"

"Sam. I'm already torn apart and battered. I am so full of holes that I am not sure there is even enough of me left as glue to hold the last bits together. I am so amazed that I ever manage to keep going. Edward tore the centre out of me and then Jake and now **you**. It _hurts_ Sam." She had started strong and confident, but her voice dropped to a whisper for the last sentence. It sounded as if it hurt her, just to say it.

"I know… but please… not Paul," he begged.

"What's wrong with Paul? He seems to be trying to put me back together."

"What? With his dick?"

She looked irritated by him now. "Oh come on, Sam… you thought he should do this for nothing? What's his reward?"

"Reward? He's not a dog Bella."

"Oh puleez, Sam… he started this for you… it was all about protecting you…"

"And you… he did it for you too…"

"Yeah? So what if he did? He admits he was attracted to me…"

"Ha!" he crowed. "See… he **did** want to fuck you."

"SO WHAT? It's just sex, Sam."

Sam just grunted. He didn't know what to say. He really couldn't tell her what to do and she was right; he didn't have a leg to stand on.

"He's not a bad guy," she conceded when he said nothing.

Sam snorted. "Now you're defending him."

"Of course, I'm defending him. He's my _boyfriend_."

Sam almost argued with her. But it was pretty clear from that little scene earlier, that he **was** her boyfriend. She had lost so much; could he take that away from her too? He didn't have the right.

She was on a roll now. "Don't give me this shit, Sam. You agreed to this fake dating thing. You happily handed me over to him. And you have kept up this little façade. It's not fair for you to object, now that it may have grown into something else."

It struck him that he had literally handed her over to Paul, but she hadn't known that, she was unconscious at the time. He had handed her unconscious body to Paul in the forest outside the medical centre. To cover his nakedness and to cover his infatuation with her. And she might be saying it was just sex, but she had just admitted that it **had** grown into something else. It usually did for girls; it was almost impossible for them to view sex unemotionally he thought; especially if Paul was her first.

She was stillgoing,** "Now** you say you're not happy. And as if you don't know what Paul and I do… you can see inside his head!" she hissed at him.

"I don't patrol with him," he blustered. _And now he knew why._

"You can't do this, Sam."

"I know…" he agreed. "I can't help myself. I'm not **happy**," he confessed. He brushed her cheek with his fingertips.

She shivered. "I know you're not happy. I can see it." She took a step back from him. "I can't exist on these little touches… it's **worse** than nothing," she breathed at him.

"I know."

"This has to end, Sam. She's your **imprint**. You're engaged. She's probably pregnant. We didn't have anything. A kiss and a few hugs. It might have been something, a little green shoot. But it can't grow Sam. It just can't."

Shadow howled inside him.

"No, Bella," he begged her.

"Sam. I can't do it. I just can't." She shook her head.

"What if Paul imprints?"

She just looked at him. She shook her head again. She turned and started to walk away. She didn't need to say it; he knew that was a low blow, the second the words left his mouth.

He had more to say and he wanted her to listen. He grabbed her by the top of the arm. He spun her back to face him. He towered over her. He was going to say all kinds of cool lines about farewell kisses and so on, but in the end he just kissed her.

Properly.

She was so little and so fragile but he knew she was stronger than she looked. And she didn't break in his hands. His arms caught her and drew her in against his firm, heated body. He kissed her hard. He thrust his tongue into her mouth. He drank her down like a drug.

Heat blossomed in her chest and travelled down to other places. Her head spun and she almost tried to climb his body. She stopped herself somehow. Somehow she dragged some sense of self back from the edge. She pushed him away. She put her hands flat on his bare chest and shoved him away from her. She could not have moved him if she had tried, but he felt her and he backed off. She gasped; like the air was thick and sticky and hard to breathe.

"That is n-not f-fair, Sam," she panted. She looked like she might cry.

He looked at her and then the pain struck. He fell to his knees. Now he pushed her away from him. The pain bloomed in his chest in the place where the warmth had blossomed before. The pain was so bad he knew he was going to phase. He couldn't work out if it was the pain of kissing her and not being able to have her. Or the betrayal of his imprint. Or both. Maybe it was both.

He screamed as he pushed her away. It turned into a wordless animal noise.

She backed away from him. Her back up against the wall next to the ice storage container. She didn't run. She stood there and she watched him.

"Nooo…" he growled out. He was terrified he was going to hurt her. Hurt her the way he had hurt Emily. Tear half her face off. All he could see was his dreams or his nightmares where he torn off the back of Emily's head. "Noooo…" he growled out again.

"I'm not leaving you…" she gasped out.

He phased. He tried to fight it and that just made it more painful. Like when it first happened and he had fought it the whole way because he didn't understand what was happening. The wolf tore its way out of him… instead of him releasing it from its flesh bonds; it tore its way out. He screamed as his bones reshaped themselves and the scream became an inhuman noise. And Bella stood there and watched it. And she didn't flinch. And she didn't run away.

The wolf howled out a challenge to the world. It was as unsettled and as shocked by its violent entry into the world as Sam had been at his exit. It bristled; all its fur standing on end to make it look even larger and more threatening against a threat it hadn't yet perceived.

It sniffed the air and turned its monstrous head towards the now shivering girl. Its top lip lifted and it almost snarled at her. She was all that was here after all. Then it sniffed again and the lip dropped.

The wolf sniffed a third time and dropped its head. It took a sidling step towards her. It lowered its tail and dropped its ears.

She inhaled. A huge breath; as if she hadn't breathed for a while.

The wolf heard her do it.

And then she threw herself at it.

She flung her arms around his neck and she hugged him. The massive wolf of her dreams. The thing that had saved her from Laurent… from her nightmares. The thing that had saved her from herself. He had found her lost in the woods and she was so pleased to see him. She flung her arms around his neck without any conscious thought at all and she hugged him.

The wolf made a kind of strangled sound and then it dropped its head further and pushed against her body with its massive snout. She didn't care; she clung to the wolf anyway. She was not frightened of him at all… he was so familiar to her. Her dream wolf.

"Oh Shadow," she greeted him, "I am so glad to see you!" Sam had told her his name ages ago.

"Are you okay? That must have been awful for you," she crooned. She hugged him again; pressing her face in against the fur around his neck. "I don't think I have ever thanked you for saving me from Laurent… that dark skinned vamp with the dreadlocks… the long braids…" she waved her hands around vaguely. She stopped.

"Christ," she muttered. "I am trying to explain dreadlocks to a wolf…"

The wolf licked her face. She made a kind of startled yelp noise. And then she chuckled. "You like tongue too, huh?" and then she laughed at her own joke.

The wolf liked that sound. He skittered on his feet; tiny little steps sideways. Almost like a wolf skip.

And then she proceeded to have a one-sided conversation with him. she had no idea what the wolf thought, she just kept talking.

"Look at you," she crowed. "You are freaking massive…"

He sniffed at her again.

"Yes, I know I smell like Paul… but you will just have to deal with that… and don't you go taking pieces out of his wolf either… he's been good to me."

She patted him encouragingly.

"I know you are so happy to see me… and I am glad to see you too… but you have to calm down a little and let Sam come back… all right… we can wait a few minutes… yes…" she hugged him again. "Yes, you feel good too… but Sam has things to do… he has to go home to Emily…"

The wolf growled.

"Oh… you don't like Emily, huh? Well … you know… that explains a lot…"

It growled again.

"Oh my… I wonder…" she scratched behind the wolf's ears. "Maybe it wasn't Sam that hurt her… maybe it was you… did you hurt her? As if you could answer me anyway… so that's what happened … huh?"

Another scratch and then a rub along his flanks. "Did you try to make the nasty woman go away?"

They sat there companionably; the wolf sitting on its haunches and the girl kneeling next to it. She chatted to it and kept patting its fur. After a while she moved around to face it.

"Don't tell anyone… but I don't like her too… and most of the pack doesn't like her either … but you know that… don't you… because you are such a smart wolf… aren't you?" She kissed him on the end of his snout.

She held his massive head in her hands and she looked down his snout and into his eyes. "Shadow… I need Sam back. Can you do that for me? I'll see you again, soon… I promise… just let me have Sam back…"

The wolf lifted its head out her hands. Gave her a final lick on the face and rose to its feet; it took a step back, away from her. And then with another ripping sound and a whole lot less pain this time, Sam appeared in front of her. He was on all fours the way the wolf had been.

He looked at her in amazement and then he reached out and grabbed her again. This time she didn't fight him. He sat and hauled her into his lap. She didn't care that he was naked and that they both belonged to other people. She wrapped her arms around him and let him bury his face into her neck.

"It doesn't hurt… when Shadow is with you… it doesn't hurt…"

"Hurt?"

"When we kissed… it hurts… to look at you… to think about you… it tightens this band around my chest until I can barely breathe…" he confessed in a hushed voice.

"Sam… the more I learn about this imprint stuff, the weirder it sounds… Shadow doesn't like Emily."

"No… he tried to… k-kill her… that's how she got injured in the first place. I let him loose for a second and he tried to take her out…"

"So if he doesn't like her and you loved Leah… who decided that _she_ was your perfect mate?"

"Fucked if I know… the tribal gods?"

"I think they made a mistake, Sam."

He wouldn't or couldn't answer her. Now he had mentioned it, she noticed he inhaled in small pants. He was just holding her and it was hurting him.

"But if this is hurting you, then it _really_ has to stop. Because I don't want to hurt you…" she paused for a beat. "Or Paul… he doesn't need any more damage either."

With a final hug and a kiss on his forehead, she extricated herself from his arms and she collected her ice and went back to her truck. She didn't look at him. Sam didn't move. He didn't look up at her. He could hear every movement she made and he sat there with his head hung down and he tried to get enough air into his lungs to stay alive.

She concentrated on driving back to the party. But something inside her broke. She had imagined herself as a void filled carcass; still walking, talking and existing… but only just.

She delivered the ice. She cuddled up to Paul and he put his arm around her without looking at her face. He and Embry were having a joke about something. He looked down at her finally, just a quick glance, but his arm tightened around her and he told Embry they had to go.

Paul drove to his house. They didn't often go to his place. When they were in the truck he looked at her and asked, "What happened?"

"What?" she asked.

"Sam… what happened?"

"How…?"

He tapped his nose.

"Fuck. I forgot that." She sighed heavily. "I told him it had to finish… that it was not fair to you or to Emily… or to me…" she admitted. A strangled sob escaped her.

Paul stopped the truck at the side of the road and pulled her into his arms. "Oh baby," he crooned.

"I can't keep doing this," she wailed. "I just can't… I'm just… broken inside..." She clutched at him. "And Sam… Sam hurts so much, he phased from the pain Paul…"

"Sam did?" He knew how strong he was. Christ he was tearing his heart out as well. He felt a surge of anger against Sam, for putting her through this shit. Alpha or no alpha; he had no right to treat her like this.

She wouldn't stop crying, so in the end he hauled her onto his lap, held her tightly against him with one hand and drove the truck home. She cried herself to sleep in his arms while he stroked her hair and rubbed her back and passed her tissues. He was starting to worry about her. He'd have to watch her; make sure she didn't go emo and start cutting on herself or trying to jump off cliffs again.

He had forgotten why he started doing this. He was just supposed to be the cover boyfriend and here he was behaving like a real boyfriend. Not that he had ever been one before, but he had an idea of what they were supposed to do.

And it wasn't like Sam and Bella could ever be together. And she was still here. She was with him, in every way. She was asleep in his bed, in his arms and he thought he could probably wake her up later with sex. It was all good in his book. She made him laugh, she fed him, and she looked after him. And she had never given him shit about his past or his family. She had introduced him to her father as her boyfriend. She wasn't ashamed of him.

"Fuck," he swore aloud.

He cared about her; he really did.

FF_2154210_ - 16/10/2011 03:44:00 AM


	27. My sweetest friend R

**27. My sweetest friend R**

_Disclaimer:__ the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer__-__this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Sam was up early, as he always was. He didn't have a reason to lie around in bed. The phone rang and he grabbed it before it woke Emily up.<p>

'_Sam.'_

It was Paul.

"Paul." He was wary.

Silence.

"Is …she okay?" He didn't need to say her name.

'_She cried… she cried for hours…'_

"I'm sorry… tell her… I'm sorry."

'_Just leave her alone, Sam. No more touching, no more longing glances. You're killing her. And she's mine now.' He sounded determined. 'She can't take this shit anymore.'_

Shadow growled inside Sam and he realised what Paul had done. By phoning him, their wolves were out of the equation; at least for long enough for the men to get them under control. Paul was the pack's best fighter and he was smart, too. If they fought over Bella … it would be a close fight and they just might kill each other.

"Yeah… she told me that. And she said it had to stop." A pause while he got himself together. "I'll t-try Paul. Fuck knows, I can't offer her anything."

'No. You can't. Get your shit together, Sam. Deal with Emily or stay with her, make up your fucking mind, but Bella's mine.' And he hung up.

Sam stood there looking at the phone receiver for a while and then put it back. He'd watch her; if she was happy, he'd leave her alone. He just wanted her to be happy.

888888888888888888

Days later, Sam had asked Quil to be at the house to meet Emily's family. They were delivering her niece to stay with them for the weekend. He was almost certain that this was more of Emily's plan to demonstrate what a fabulous mother she would be. She was going to practice on their daughter, Claire. Great start; she couldn't even be there to meet her when she was dropped off.

He had asked the pack's resident child, Quil to be there. Quil loved being a wolf. He brought this childlike joy to the process. A kind of wonder at seeing the world through his wolf senses. Something that Sam had forgotten about in all the stress of being a good leader and being responsible for everyone.

Quil chased his tail and bounded around chasing squirrels and being utterly overjoyed at the epic awesomeness of the whole thing. He made Sam smile. And he was eager to please Sam as well. So when Sam asked him if he could babysit for an hour or two, it was no problem at all for Quil.

He came home early himself. He was probably trying to earn some points with Emily, if he was really honest with himself. It was probably just as well. He could hear the ruckus before he even got out of the truck. He could feel an overwhelming feeling of panic and fear through his imprint bonds.

He ran.

He was confronted with a scene he didn't even know how to start processing. Quil was vibrating and looking more feral than he had ever seen him. And the object of his attention was Emily. She was standing with her back against the fridge clutching Claire to her chest and screaming at Quil to get away. And he was refusing to go. He was on the other side of the kitchen but he was pacing back and forth in the kitchen opening.

"What is happening?" Sam asked carefully. He knew that the pack usually followed orders that Emily gave them; she had a kind of on-flow authority as the alpha's imprint. If Quil was ignoring her, then there had to be a stronger imperative for him to be there.

Quil did not take his eyes off the females.

"Quil is being really odd… and it frightened Claire…" Emily blustered; her voice high with panic.

"Liar," growled Quil.

That response almost made Sam growl at him. Claire was crying and making small noises and the more she did so, the more upset Quil became.

Sam had an awful feeling that he knew what had happened. Oh shit, no. Not on a baby. And another member of Emily's family? Jeez the wolf gods hated him. He just knew it.

"Emily," he pleaded. "Put Claire down…"

"What? Are you on his side?"

"There isn't a _side_ to this… just put her down… please Emily." He could see Quil getting more and more agitated.

"But he will hurt her…"

Quil snarled. It sounded animalistic and inhuman.

"Quil, get yourself under control. Show me you can do it. Show me that you have power over yourself. Can you take a step back and stop pacing?" Sam didn't order him; he asked. He was trying to show who had more self-discipline Quil looked at him. "It'll be okay, I promise," Sam promised. "She won't hurt her. She's her niece."

Quil nodded and took a largish step back.

Some days Sam wished the alpha command would work on imprints. Surely she had been around wolves often enough to see what he could see? Quil must have imprinted on the toddler.

"See. There." He appealed to Emily. "He took a step back. He's under control. He won't hurt her Emily," he tried again. "Put Claire down… let her go and see what she wants to do…"

"Qwil…" the tiny girl managed to say even though she was smothered against Emily's chest.

Quil made another noise. "Claire," he said and it sounded like his heart was breaking.

"Emily please… just do it. He won't hurt Claire." Sam tried to be tactful and imply to her that if she continued to keep Quil away from Claire it would be Emily who would be hurt, not the baby.

Something about Sam's urgency finally seemed to get through to her.

And a final, "Want Qwil…" from Claire. Emily lowered her to the floor. She held her hand at her back as if she tried to press her in against her legs, but the toddler wriggled out of her grasp and toddled across the kitchen floor to Quil. To give him credit, he waited until she got to him. She pressed herself against his legs. He gave Emily a look of complete triumph. And then he bent down and scooped her up, cradled her in his arms and dashed outside with her; murmuring quietly to her as he went.

Emily just glared at Sam. He resisted the urge to call her a fool. He took a deep breath. "I assume he imprinted on her," he stated evenly.

"She's two!" spat Emily. "What is he? Some kind of pervert?"

"Emily, do **not** say that! You know it is nothing like that. I can check how he thinks about her the next time we are phased, but I would guarantee just from watching that little scene where **you** upset Claire, that all Quil thinks about is protecting her."

If she thought that imprint was weird what did it make theirs?

Suddenly he could see the wheels turning in her head; she was criticizing imprinting. She couldn't have it both ways. Her bottom lip trembled. Oh no, he thought, here come the waterworks.

"H-he frightened m-me," she whimpered. "He's so big…" the tears trickled out of her eyes and Sam couldn't resist anymore. He rushed at her and held in his arms. "It's okay," he murmured. He wasn't sure if he was talking to her or to himself. He pushed down's Shadow's quick thought that Quil could have taken her out for them both. No way did he want Quil to be a murderer.

Just holding her against him eased the pain in his chest. It was becoming chronic; he pulled away from her so often that he was getting used to the constant ache.

A two year old imprint. That was the final straw.

He had to work out a way to break this imprint thing. It was incomprehensible to him that a two year old girl could be Quil's perfect match. But then again, why should he assume it was wrong? He needed to talk to Quil about what had happened.

He could tell Emily was much calmer now. Should he push his luck and try for sex? No, he needed to talk to Quil before he left. And to see for himself, how he and Claire were together. And what it was about them that had upset Emily so much.

"Why don't you go and have a long soak in the bath, Emily," he suggested. "I picked up some of those salts you like when I was in Port Angeles last week."

"Oh, okay… you'll be all right with Claire?"

"Sure, sure." He cringed at himself picking up Jake's speech habits. He gave her a final hug and she headed off to do as he suggested.

He stood at the back screen door and watched Quil in the yard. He was being a horsey. Crawling across the grass with Claire clinging to his back and shouting 'giddy yup'. As he watched she tumbled off; falling into the long grass and giggling hysterically as she went.

"Whoa there, horsey," Sam said as he joined them on the grass.

"Horsey needs a rest, Claire," Quil told her. He lay on his stomach and Claire scrambled up onto his back. She flung her tiny arms around his neck and tried to hug him. Sam smiled. He lay next to them. He looked up at the sky and watched the clouds pass across the unusually blue sky.

"Sorry Sam," muttered Quil quietly.

"Not your fault." He exhaled loudly. "When did it happen?"

"I dunno… I wasn't really looking at her face, you know. We were getting on well. Playing together and waiting for Emily to get home. She brought a little backpack with toys and things in it and she wanted me to see her toy. She shoved it into my face and demanded I kiss it. I laughed at her… and then..." Quil shook his head. "I can't explain it… but she's not frightened of me at all. I guess everyone is huge to her; she's so tiny." The love just saturated his voice. As he was talking Claire was standing up, bouncing and jumping off his back; using him like a diving board. He seemed utterly fine with the treatment.

"And then Emily came home… and she kind of ruined it. Claire didn't want to stop what she was doing and do what Emily wanted… and then she got weird… started screaming at me… and that upset Claire. You know?"

Sam could imagine that. Emily being a little upset that Claire didn't want her. All her plans ruined.

"And then it got worse…" Quil almost whispered. "Emily tried to pick up Claire."

Sam sighed. "And you growled at her," he guessed.

"I couldn't help it. She upset her," he justified. Claire was lying with her back against his back now, looking up at the sky and he had one arm bent up at an odd angle to hold her there. "What did she think she was doing…? I mean, you can't just take a man's imprint like that," Quil blustered.

Sam almost laughed; he sounded so indignant. And then he had a thought. Christ, he needed to speak to Claire's parents before Emily got near them and freaked them out. He had suspected that for Quil, it wasn't sexual at all and he was surprised at Emily. She ought to have known better. Even if she thought it was wrong; heck, he was fairly sure that it was weirding _him_ out big time. But to try to take Claire away was dumb with a capital D. He was lost in his reverie when he heard Quil speak.

"Hey Claire, doesn't Sam get a hug?"

"Saam," she crowed. She threw herself off Quil and at Sam. He caught her around the waist and held her up in the air above him. She kicked her legs and squealed as he held her above him at arm's length.

"You'd be good with kids, Sam," Quil commented.

"One afternoon and you are an expert," Sam chuckled. "Yeah, I love kids," he admitted and then he felt a sick feeling to his stomach. He didn't want kids with Emily. He could imagine just what kind of mother she would be. The kind who tried to make kids do what she wanted. Exactly like she had tried with Claire. Everyone knew kids were chaos theory incarnate.

He felt sick again. He was basically fighting the basis of the imprint. Old Quil argued it was to breed better wolves. He made a decision to avoid sex with Emily, no matter how much better it made him feel. He looked up at Claire's wriggling little legs and he wished for his own kids; but just not with _her_. He thought of Bella, but she was with Paul.

And he waited for the imprint gods to strike him down. Again. He lowered Claire to his chest and gave her a gentle hug. She hugged him back. She was officially adorable. He handed her back to her doting imprint.

He rang Billy while Emily was still in the bath and filled him in and asked him to talk to Claire's parents before they came to collect her. He didn't think Emily would tell them on the phone. They would probably ring to say goodnight to Claire, but she would prefer to do it face to face. Billy would have the authority and the common sense to explain it to them in a way that would not see them running for the hills. He didn't know what would happen to Quil if Claire's parents panicked and took her away from him. Christ, if they moved away from the rez Quil would just die without his imprint. He knew how much a separation hurt.

He didn't want effervescent Quil flattened.

FF_2154210_ - 17/10/2011 03:47:00 AM


	28. Everyone I know R

**28. Everyone I know R**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Sam approached the Elders to ask about imprint breaking. He said it was for Quil. But just the pain in his chest if he thought about it for himself, made him think that it was a possibility as well. Everyone was a little unnerved by Quil's imprint on a two year old. The people who seemed least upset about it were Quil and Claire. Luckily Billy had got in contact with her parents before Emily did and she could try to convince them that Quil was some kind of paedophile. That cost Sam, too. It didn't take much for Emily to work out that he had called Billy.<p>

Sam now doubted the gods.

The more unhappy Sam got, the more he looked for a solution. A way to break his imprint. Old Quil was their resident shaman. He knew all the stories and he performed any rituals they needed. He finally confessed that they did have some journals from the previous wolf pack. Sam would have liked to know that a year ago, but Old Quil liked to keep his secrets. He and Sam went through some of the older journals together as the language was sometimes difficult to decipher, but they found nothing that seemed to help them now. Old Quil said he would ask the gods the next time he did a spirit journey. But of course, he couldn't say when that might be and the man was almost impossible to rush.

Sam would have to wait. He could do that, he could be patient.

He watched Bella. She and Paul were happy. He felt half pain and half joy to see the glow that came to her face when she saw Paul. All the pack were surprised by how well behaved Paul was now. He was happy too. It was as if he was sure of Bella and he stopped searching for self belief in other women's panties.

Emily kept talking about the wedding plans. Luckily she had such grandiose ideas for her perfect wedding that it would take some time to organise. Bridezilla Emily was something he was really _not_ looking forward to. And it would cost a fortune. Money he really just didn't have. He did not know why she could not be happy with a simple ceremony, but she was already spending a small fortune on buying bridal magazines. In Sam's mind, saving money to spend on your family later was more important than a big wedding; it was just one day. A bigger roof over your head was common sense.

Old Quil still didn't have an answer each time Sam asked him and Emily was just wearing Sam down.

And then one day, she came bouncing out of the bathroom waving a little white stick in her hand.

"Wow, Sam," she gushed. "It's finally happened."

He almost stopped breathing. The word went grey at the edges as she waved that little stick around. A pregnancy test. A fucking pregnancy test. She knew he hated his father for being the dead beat dad he could not seem to stop himself being. Abandoning his wife and kid and going off after yet another piece of skirt and a bottle; always with the alcohol. Emily knew how much he hated being compared to him. God knows she had done it herself often enough until his reactions had reached a point that frightened her and she had finally given that up. Once Bella was out of her mind as a rival.

Sam closed his eyes slowly. He could almost feel the ball and chain lock around his ankle. He would never abandon his child. He would push down every personal aim he had ever had in his life to do the right thing by his child. And he was just conservative enough to believe that living with its parents was the best place for a kid. Both its parents. Even if one of them almost hated the other. Was that the right environment for a kid? He didn't know.

But if he walked out, he suspected that she would make sure he would never see his kid again. Or else he would see them so rarely they would forget who he was. He wouldn't know the important shit like what their favourite colour was this month or which stuffed toy they had to sleep with or which book was their current bed time story preference.

And he wanted that. That stuff was important to him, because that stuff was what his father had not given a shit about.

He opened his eyes to see Emily's eager face.

"Aren't you excited, Sam?" she gushed.

"Ecstatic," he replied. And he found himself holding his arms out and wrapping her up in them. He hid his face in her hair before she could see exactly how un-ecstatic he was. And then she was fumbling at his groin and eventually he was covering her body on the bed and thrusting himself into her with more determination than anything else.

Afterwards she babbled on about how they should have a party and tell everyone as soon as possible. He tried to mumble about how it would be a better idea to wait a while before telling everyone, but she ignored him.

He went off to work on the construction company's newest site. He was late now. It was a renovation and repaint in Forks. He met the boys Paul and Jared there; and Seth was there too temping it and learning some new carpentry skills.

He was so distracted he made a stupid mistake and cut a timber too short. Measure twice, cut once. He knew that. He hated waste. He threw it on the ground with a muttered expletive.

Jared frowned at him. "You okay, Sam?"

Paul looked over too. "Yeah whassup, Sam? You seem kind of off in the clouds today."

He mumbled something but then he pulled himself together. These guys were his friends and his pack; if he couldn't talk to them he was fucked. He shrugged. "Emily's pregnant," he spat out.

Oddly no one offered him congratulations; they all just looked at him. Paul sighed heavily. Jared looked conflicted.

"How?" asked Seth.

Paul chortled. "Jeez Seth, do we need to give you sex ed lessons…"

"Yeah," chimed in Jared. "You might never have done it yourself but you have to know what the point of the exercise is…"

"You know… when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much…" Paul sniggered.

Seth rolled his eyes. "Fuck's sake guys… give it up… I know that… You know what I meant…"

They all looked blank.

Seth pleaded with them. "No, come one guys…"

"What **do** you mean, Seth?" Sam asked.

Seth looked a little doubtful about saying anything, but he did it. "When was the last time you got enough points for sex, Sam?"

Sam looked horrified; one, that Seth even knew about the points system and two, that he couldn't remember the last time he had sex with Emily. He had sworn not to do it again after the whole Claire imprint debacle and he couldn't remember when it had happened before then.

"Fuck!" he swore. Sam wanted to be angry with Seth, but he had a point. He had done it that morning.

They all looked horrified at the thought of what Seth was tacitly suggesting.

"Have you seen the test?" Jared asked tentatively.

"She had one but I didn't take a close look at it… she just waved it in my face."

"This is Emily, Sam," pointed out Paul.

Sam hurt at that. That his imprint would be capable of such deceit… she couldn't be… could she?

"Could she fake it?" asked Seth.

"You mean the test? You must be able to…" added Jared. "I'm not sure how they work. Don't they rely on chemicals the body produces or something? That must be hard to fake."

"Easy. Just get a pregnant woman to piss on the stick. No guarantee that it was her piss. Take her to the doctors to confirm," advised Paul.

"Yeah, what's that TV show with the singing high school kids…?" Seth asked.

"Glee?" Paul answered.

They all looked at him.

"Bella watches it," he muttered.

"Didn't the teacher's wife fake her pregnancy to keep him with her? I mean it was a TV story line, so that doesn't mean its like fact or anything… but if they say you can do it then maybe you really could… you know… if you had a reason to want to fake a pregnancy," Seth prattled on.

"She's not that stupid is she?" asked Paul.

Sam growled at him.

"Sorry Sam," he added.

"I've been pretty tired lately…" Sam stated.

"…running double patrols…" Jared added.

"You could have been asleep…" Paul said. "Passed out on your back…" He grinned tentatively at him; trying to make a joke of it.

Sam let him. "Yeah," he joked. "I'm so used to doing it every Wednesday night in the same position, that I can't tell them apart any more." Ouch. That actually hurt to say.

She had jumped him now; she was so happy. Fuck she had even done it in the morning; in the light. That was very unlike her; she was a before sleep with the lights off kind of woman.

And then he had a really awful thought; if she wasn't really pregnant, was she trying to get pregnant now? … Jeez. That thought made him feel nauseous.

FF_2154210_ - 18/10/2011 12:54:00 PM


	29. Goes away in the end R

**29. Goes away in the end R**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Of course Emily had the baby party organised and half the fucking reservation invited before he can say anything about it. She spent money they didn't have on pink and blue balloons and other stupid baby themed decorations. He told her to wait. He told her she might miscarry or something and she looked at him like he was insane. He argued it was common in the first trimester for first time pregnancies.<p>

"I am your perfect mate… chosen for you by the gods," she reminded him for about the thousandth time. "Surely the gods would make sure that nothing would happen to our baby?"

He bit his tongue on the retort that it actually had to exist before the gods could protect anything. He half doesn't want to check out the test. He studied it and it looked like a positive result, but as Paul had suggested, she just needed to get a pregnant woman to piss on it for her. But it smelt like her piss, not someone else's. He had suggested to Emily that they should go to the doctor to confirm but she waved him away with excuses.

She was his imprint; he couldn't bring himself to accuse her, without some kind of proof. And to do that, he needed to take her to a doctor or make her do another test. And so far, he was having no luck managing to get her to do either. He wished he could just pick her up and drag her to the doctor's, but if she ordered him not to, he couldn't do it.

He tried to avoid having sex with her. He literally ran away. Phased and ran. There was no patrol. He didn't care. He tried to keep a lid on his thoughts. All the pack members had their own shit to deal with; they didn't need to deal with his as well. And he was so used to dealing with things by himself.

One afternoon about two weeks after her joyful announcement he was using their home computer. He's not very computer savvy but occasionally he has to use one to order supplies, and do stuff for the construction business. He typed some words into a search engine and got something completely unrelated and unexpected. Christ, everything was on the internet.

And then he had a thought. He thought he ought to check if it was possible for a store bought pregnancy test to return the wrong result; a false positive. He's not accusing her of faking it, he convinced himself. He just wanted to know if it was possible. Maybe she didn't make a mistake, maybe the test did? He knew in the back of his mind, that he was clutching at straws.

He didn't know what to search for, but he typed in 'false positive pregnancy test'. It came up in the search list. A number of options appeared. Most of which suggested that it was extremely rare but that it _was_ possible. But then further down the page one entry caught his eye.

The link was a different colour; it had been read before on this computer.

'_This will show you how to make a pregnancy test positive for whatever reason you would like,'_ the header said happily. He felt sick to his stomach. With a growing sense of dread he clicked on the link to a wiki how page, titled 'make a positive pregnancy test'.

The page opened. He opened the article and it showed a little video on how to break open a pregnancy test of a particular brand and add a line with a particular kind of pen. Or to draw an extra line and make the negative a positive and then glue it back together. Lots of warnings about how this is funny for an April fool's joke.

He could think of nothing less funny. He sat there frozen for some time.

wikihow(dot)com/Make-a-Positive-Pregnancy-Test

[AN: personally I cannot see any way a false pregnancy test would be a funny joke.]

He shut the page down. He didn't bother to clear the history folder. She didn't, if he did it now, she would know he had found it. She was so sure of herself she didn't even bother hiding her tracks. And using their home computer? That was dumb.

Paul was smarter. She should have got a pregnant friend to do the test for her. No glue reside, no history folder on the computer. She was dumb or maybe not; he could smell the difference if she got someone else to piss on it for her.

_Smell. She doesn't smell different_ Shadow pointed out quietly. He has been almost silent for days. Sam kind of missed him.

No she doesn't, he agreed.

Where's the test? He needed to check the test. He found it in the bottom drawer of the bathroom vanity. It's the same brand as one in the little video. A coincidence? He didn't think so. He sniffed at it. He can smell her urine and now he can smell the scent of glue. They had sex the night before; he had succumbed. He knew it was a bad idea, but the pain eased when they were close together and he really couldn't deny her. And he just couldn't believe that she could be lying to him. Not like he believed it now. Why would she even look up a video like that? There was no other reason to look it up.

_It's not her fertile days,_ Shadow added. _She can't get pregnant this week._

He was gutted. He knew she had been manipulative in the past; but this? This was too much.

_Confirm,_ muttered Shadow. _Scent_.

Sam nodded to himself. Shadow was right; she should smell different if she was pregnant. The way women on birth control smelled to him. Shadow trusted his nose and so did Sam. He stopped beating himself up for fucking her, it didn't help the situation. He needed confirmation.

He waited for her to get home and he hugged her; shoved his nose into the space behind her ear. She almost purred with contentment and happiness. She didn't smell any different. **And he knew she was lying to him.**

He just dropped his arms and walked away from her.

He needed to run. He needed to think. Away from her.

She called after him, but he was gone. Gone before she could get it together to order him back.

He ran for hours in wolf form. What can he do? He has to break the imprint. He knew his pack will support him, but the Elders? He needed to harass old Quil; he needed to know if it was possible to break an imprint. And sooner rather than later. He would not touch her again. He did not give a fuck how much pain it caused him.

She had betrayed him; her imprint. She had lied and cheated. She had not done anything right by him and now she had really broken his heart.

_Then… Bella Bella Bella_… Shadow added intently.

She's with Paul. She's happy. You want her to be happy don't you?

No answer from Shadow on that one.

**He had to break the imprint.**

It's the only solution. He had done everything else first for them. He can do this too. First to phase, first to imprint, first to lead, first for everything.

First to dump her lying ass.

He will not fuck her again; even if she ordered him to. So he didn't want to go home. Where could he go?

He found himself knocking on Jake's door at some crazy hour of the morning. The party is at lunch time tomorrow. Did he let her hang herself? Make her the laughing stock of the rez? He didn't like to do that. She was still his imprint and he was hardwired to protect her from harm; even self inflicted harm.

Jake opened the door; naked, reeking of sex and Leah and rubbing at his eyes. He just waved at the couch. Sam slept there. He would talk to Billy in the morning.

In the morning Leah gave him a sympathetic hug and headed out. He laid it all out for Billy and Jake backed him up. Billy had no idea any of this was happening.

"Ask any of the pack if you want confirmation," Sam suggested.

"I believe you, Sam. Why didn't you come to me before?" Billy asked.

"I am not used to asking for help, Billy. I do things by myself; I work it out. And she is my **imprint**. The council is all 'imprinting is the best thing to ever happen to you' … 'it's a long held tradition from the time of Taha Aki' … blah blah…" Sam sounded as bitter as he obviously felt. Jake and Billy exchanged a look.

"That's Old Quil's idea. I am not so sure…Quil with a child seems wrong to me; even if she is his imprint. It has too many issues; should he wait for her? What if she never sees him as a true partner?" Billy added.

Sam spoke, "I asked old Quil to research how to break an imprint. He said he had to do a spirit quest and couldn't say when he'd get back to me. Originally I asked for Quil. He's happy, but I agree that it seems wrong. But if she is faking a pregnancy…"

"At least she isn't cheating on you…" Jake suggested. "Imagine? That might take years to work out. When your kid didn't phase."

Sam actually paused at that thought; Christ, that would be an even bigger mess. Thank god she was not that smart.

_I'd know_, put in Shadow. He would too; scent.

Billy looked amused. "And you believed Old Quil's reasons for the delay?" he pointed out.

"Fuck!" Sam swore. "Sneaky old…" he bit his lip before he insulted an Elder of the tribe.

"Quil and Claire is a big ick factor," said Jake. "We see inside his head; he's not a sicko, he doesn't think of her like that. I am not sure if it is imprinting itself… I mean Leah and I, are fine… I think it's just Emily."

"She has twisted it somehow," suggested Sam.

"Dad, she orders him to do stuff," Jake added.

Billy raised an eyebrow.

Sam looked embarrassed. "I can't deny her…" Sam muttered. "… it physically hurts… if it came to choosing between her or the pack, I might do the right thing, but if she ordered me to do the opposite I would hesitate, and that hesitation may be long enough for …" He didn't know what to say. "I'm a fucking doormat and I hate it."

Billy just nodded.

"If he has to take the time to argue with her, a vampire could have torn apart the tribe," Jake pointed out.

Billy was silent. He was studying Sam.

"She's been stirring up the gossips too," Jake added. "About Joshua Uley and Embry's father and about Bella dating Paul. She somehow got in with the bitches at school and they have been making Bella's life hard at High School as well. They've been spreading rumours about Paul. He's good now… but it doesn't take much for people to believe otherwise… you know… it is Paul."

Sam looked incensed at that. He didn't know that. Paul had never mentioned it either.

Jake shrugged at Sam's look. "None of the rumours were true; Bella knew that. And you couldn't have done anything about it, Sam. Bella said she could look after herself."

"Ahhh," said Billy. "I wondered why the gossip had started up now."

Billy gave Sam his trademark x-ray stare.

Sam blinked.

"Why do you want to break the imprint, Sam? Other than her behaviour."

"He's in love with Bella," said Jake easily.

Billy almost rolled his eyes. "Isn't everyone?" he commented.

"That's actually Paul's theory," Jake laughed.

"Excuse me?" asked Billy.

"Oh, Paul thinks that the pack follow the Alpha's lead. And that therefore, because Sam and I both…" he paused and substituted a word. "…care for her, so does the whole pack."

"Huh," said Billy. "It might make some sense. But is the risk enough to break your imprint for?" he asked Sam.

"I think she loves him," stated Jake. "And his wolf is obsessed with her… has been since that night he found her in the forest."

"Jacob!" Sam whined.

"Oh come on Sam," Jake argued. "If you were free of Emily, she would never have been with Paul in the first place. You would have claimed her for yourself. Heck, you would have fought me for her!"

"But she **is** with Paul and she seems happy." It almost killed Sam to say it.

"Sam… don't attack me… but Emily has not been right as your imprint, not from the very first day. She has to go. This is just the last straw. Whether Bella is free or not; you need to break the imprint." Jake didn't say that he should have done it months ago; but Sam could tell that was what he was thinking. If he had been free before Bella and Paul started dating…

He sighed. He couldn't think like that. He had done what he thought was the right thing at the time. They were fighting the red headed vampire bitch then, breaking his imprint wasn't his highest priority right then. Sam Uley had never been known to shirk responsibility.

Billy chuckled. "Let me order old Quil to hurry up his research. You will have to go back and not give anything away to Emily. Can you do that, Sam?"

Sam nodded.

Billy turned to wheel away. "Oh," he called over his shoulder. "Do not tell old Quil your theory about the Alpha feelings influencing the whole pack. He does _not_ need to know that."

"No," Sam uttered a weak laugh. "He's a terrible gossip himself, but at least he doesn't share all kinds of secret information." Sam glared at Jacob pointedly, but he cheerfully ignored him.

"More coffee, Sam?" Jake offered.

FF_2154210_ - 19/10/2011 02:16:00 AM


	30. You could have it all R

**30. You could have it all R**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

**[AN: tissue warning]**

* * *

><p>Sam kept busy and he kept away from Emily as much as he could. He found errands to do that kept him out of the house the morning of the party. He offered to transport people; he mowed lawns and did gardening.<p>

One thing he was very careful to do was to stay out of Emily's bed. He resisted her advances.

He hung up all the party decorations without being asked. He blew up more balloons than he ever wanted to see again. The smell… ugh.

She had invited a few of her friends from the Makah reservation on Neah Bay. But not her mother. Sam wondered about that. Surely a girl would want to share her 'good news' with her mother. Maybe there was a reason she had never introduced him to her mother? She had always blamed her mother before, for the fact that they had never met, but now he doubted everything she told him, he wondered at that. Maybe her mother knew her better than anybody. Was that why she had not introduced Sam to her?

And he had to ask himself the same question about his mother. He somehow knew that Allison Uley had seen right through Emily too, the way that Kim did the first time she met her. But being his mother she had tried to help him and when she couldn't, she had left. He had assumed that she had followed that guy to the Elwha rez. But maybe she just couldn't stand watching him self destruct. Emily had made sure she wasn't welcome and she had ordered Sam to tell her he was okay. He promised himself that he would contact her when he had finished this properly. He had spent a couple of nights at her house when he had nowhere else to go. But she was his mother. She'd always be in his life. Fuck knows, she'd made some mistakes herself when it came to the bedroom.

Christ, he hoped that Old Quil found a solution. It was getting harder and harder for him to keep Shadow under control. And it was worse when she pushed it with shit like this fake pregnancy act.

The pack were coming to the party in force as support for him. He did not know how much the imprints knew about what was going on. Not too much he hoped. He felt kind of embarrassed that his dirty laundry was about to be aired so spectacularly. And even more so when he finally broke the imprint. He wasn't sure how imprinted couples would view him destroying what they valued; at least he thought they valued it. Shadow made a throaty pleased noise inside him.

Not that he could do that today; today he was playing the perfect partner. That was how he was getting through this; thinking of it like a performance. He just didn't understand Emily. She was acting crazy faking a pregnancy; that was crazy shit.

He watched the imprinted couples together; observing how they interacted. The way they kept touching each other. That was clean; that was powerful; that was right. Emily was not. Jared and Kim were so cute together, and Jake and Leah looked like a wolf power couple. Quil was at Claire's place. Sam was okay with that. If it was a night function he would have been there, but he liked to spend every available minute that he had with the toddler. Her parents had embraced him and taken him on as an unpaid babysitter. They were completely certain of Quil; nothing would harm that child while he was around… nothing.

Of the un-imprinted wolves Embry and Seth were chatting together and they were waiting for Paul and Bella to arrive.

Bella was of course, bringing some desserts and the boys could not wait.

He allowed himself to think about her. He hoped Paul was treating her right. He hoped she was happy.

He saw Leah kiss Jake and say she was going to go back and collect Rachel Black. She had got in late last night from her college in Seattle. She and Leah were old friends. He wondered how much of the pack information they had told Rachel if any, to explain Jake and Leah dating. It might have seemed odd to her to see her little brother with her friend. Billy could take care of that one for him. He didn't want to deal with any more Blacks, thank you very much.

He kept his head down, said 'yes dear' more often than he thought was strictly necessary and tried not to blow it. Emily gave him a sharp look when he blurted out "Yes, it's hard to believe," to one of her friends when she asked how he felt about the news.

He kept going; kept putting one foot in front of the other. He could do this.

88888

Rachel Black and Leah Clearwater were giggling together like fools as they came around the side of the house and into Sam's yard. He was happy to see Leah so happy. So different to the way she was before the imprint on Jacob.

Rachel looked good if a little tired. Maybe she'd had exams or something.

He seemed innately aware of where Bella was, even if he was not looking at her. She was talking to Kim. She had a plastic cup in her hand and she was waving it around as she was describing something for Kim. He listened carefully. Best brownie recipe; how many eggs to include and whether it was better to refrigerate the day before baking or not. Go figure.

Sam watched as Paul took the empty cup out of her hand. She didn't look at him as he did it; that easy casual way that couples have with each other. And it struck Sam that they really were a couple.

He turned over a few more sausages for something to do and then looked up. There was one of those eerie silences when there was a lull in all the conversations at a party at the same time. Someone told him once that it happened at eleven minutes past or before the hour. He didn't believe that but since he had heard it, he found himself looking at his watch whenever it happened. It isn't eleven minutes. Dumb theory.

He looked up to see Bella's face. Of course, he always looked for her first. She was looking at Paul. And Paul was looking at Rachel Black. And he heard a noise that he would have sworn was the last piece of Bella Swan's heart breaking.

Paul looked at Bella and his face was indescribable. He looked equal parts horrified and happy. But the horror was winning. 'I'm sorry,' he mouthed at her.

She nodded. "Its okay, Paul," she said. But her eyes glistened. She clutched at Kim's arm.

Paul couldn't answer her.

"K-Kim?" she managed to ask.

"I'll take you home," Kim stated. Sam wanted to do it. He wanted to hold her while she cried, but he couldn't move. Kim just shepherded her away.

Poor Rachel was looking confused. "What the hell just happened?" she asked. "What the fuck is wrong with Paul and why is he looking at me like I killed his puppy?"

Leah and Jake exchanged a look and Jake nodded.

"Come inside and I'll talk to you," Leah said as she tugged her inside the house.

Sam looked back at Paul. His legs collapsed under him and he just sat on the ground right where he had been standing with Bella's cup crunched in his hand. He made a noise like a strangled sob. Sam got to him first and thumped him on the shoulder. He didn't know what else to do. Paul keened on the ground; rocking himself back and forth in little movements. Sam's heart hurt for him. For them both.

"Sam, the sausages are burning," Emily chided.

Everyone glared at her. Jared went to rescue the sausages. Sam didn't move. Fuck her.

"Fuck me," said Seth. "Bella's wolf kryptonite."

Emily bitched for an hour about Bella Swan ruining her party. Sam said nothing. He had hardly spoken a word since Paul had imprinted. The pack were all subdued. They all ate; nothing ruined their appetites. The party was ruined, but as if he cared? It was not a celebration he wanted to remember in any case.

It was later that he noticed Kim had come back to collect Jared. Shadow was worried for Bella.

Yeah I know she's alone.

She won't run; she has nowhere to run to. I doubt she'd go to her mother's. Remember she doesn't really get on with her.

She might hurt herself … yeah, she might do that. She tried to cliff dive that time.

And the bottle with the vampire.

She cut herself. I remember.

I think this time she will be very sad. Not angry. Just sad.

No, I can't be sure of that.

No, I don't want her to hurt herself either.

Yes, there's only one way to be sure.

He snuck out of his own party; phased and ran to Forks. He didn't give a shit about being the perfect Emily partner. Bella was what was important right now. He thought about breaking into her house again and comforting her. But he was frightened that she might be angry with him. He also didn't want to push her. He just wanted to keep her safe. So Shadow slept under her window. He listened to her cry.

FF_2154210_ - 20/10/2011 02:03:00 AM


	31. My empire of dirt R

**31. My empire of dirt R**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p><strong>[AN: major tissue warning: this chapter made me sob… sob people]<strong>

Bella pulled herself together after crying all night. It wasn't Paul's fault. But she missed him already. She already missed his warmth in her bed and she missed his sneer and his snarky voice and his hands on her.

Charlie just looked at her when she dragged herself down to breakfast. He looked like she was about to have a catatonia relapse.

"Paul and I … kind of broke up…" she mumbled.

"Oh." He sipped his coffee. "I am sorry about that. I liked him and he seemed to be good for you," he said diplomatically.

She just muttered something about being glad she had a day before school on Monday. Emotions gave Charlie hives so he just muttered that he might take Billy up on that offer to go fishing. She let him go; there was nothing he could do. She would get over it eventually. He watched her carefully before he went, but he seemed satisfied she wasn't going to go zombie on him again.

She was watching some sappy movie so that she had an excuse for keeping the box of tissues with her, when there was a knock at the front door.

It was Paul. It was so unexpected for him to knock. He usually just flung the door open and shouted out her name. And he usually came in the back door. He looked as nervous as she felt. He had his hands jammed into his jeans pockets and his whole body was stiff.

She hugged him. He felt so familiar and so wrong at the same time. He didn't feel like her Paul. He didn't react the way he always did. He didn't grab her ass and grind her onto him. Or rub his hands on her skin somewhere or nibble on her neck. It was the kind of hug you gave your grandmother. He felt so wooden and uncomfortable. Too tense maybe.

He looked at her and his eyes looked wounded. He looked like he had slept about as well as she had, which was barely at all.

"Are you okay?" he asked carefully.

She just shook her head. She tugged at his arm to get him to come inside the house.

"I left a couple of things… I thought I would come and get them … so that you didn't have to see them…" He shrugged.

"I told Charlie we broke up." She paused. "Did we break up?"

"Yeah… I think so." He got that pained look on his face again. "I can't bring myself to talk to Rachel. Jake and Leah have answered all her questions…" his voice dropped to a whisper. "But it's hard to stay away from her… I don't know how Sam does it. It's **so** hard to stay away from her, but I will have to talk to her soon."

She nodded as if she understood, but she didn't really. She admired him for not sneaking off; or sending someone else to get his things.

"Thank you for coming… Christ that sounds like a funeral or something doesn't it?" she said.

"Still got your potty mouth," he managed a bitter chuckle.

"I fear that I might be stuck with that for ever," she tried to joke back.

"Yeah; at least that is _something_ I gave you," he said. He looked hugely contrite.

"It's not your fault. We both knew this might happen. You're a better person than people think you are Paul. You came here today and that was really brave and I do really appreciate the gesture… even if I don't know how to thank you properly."

"I'm so sorry…" his voice cracked.

"I know," she whispered. She stopped him talking. She put her fingers over his lips. God, those lips… she loved those lips. She was going to miss those lips.

It was meant to be just uncomplicated sex, but they both knew it had grown into something more, just as Sam had suspected it would. It was unusual for Paul to be so involved with someone, but it was not unexpected for her to throw her whole heart into something, she did have such a bad track record with her relationships; all two of them.

"You did more for me than just pop my cherry; you do know that…" she told him.

He gave her a half smile but he looked defeated.

"Did you want a coffee?" she offered.

"Yeah." He inhaled and looked like he had made some internal decision. "And I want to talk to you."

"Oh… about what?"

"Sam," he stated.

He sat at her kitchen table like he normally did and she made him a coffee. She didn't want one herself, she was jittery enough already.

"What about Sam?" she prompted.

"Emily faked the pregnancy."

"Holy crap! Why would she do that? Is she **insane**?" she squawked.

"She's trying to jump him now. To really make it happen."

"Hopefully he is resisting." The pack mind still freaked her sometimes. No secrets.

"He is. He doesn't want me to tell you this." Paul shrugged. "But he is trying to find out how to break the imprint."

"Oh… well, why would he want to stay with her?" she asked rhetorically.

"That's one reason… but I think he still wants you. He just won't say anything to you about it."

She thought about their intense encounter by the ice vending machine. "I told him that I thought the tribal gods had made a mistake with his imprint … that day when I went to get the ice," she told Paul.

"Yeah. He kind of thinks that now too after Quil."

"So does _she_ know?"

"No."

"So why the fake?"

Paul shrugged. "Fucked if I know. I think she feels like she is losing him somehow. She knows that Sam's greatest fear is to be like his father. Abandon a child. I think she is just trying to bind him harder to her."

"She's an idiot."

"You got that right."

They sat there companionably.

"Oh Sam," she sighed.

"Yeah," agreed Paul.

She thought about it. "You said he was trying… do they know how to break it…?"

Paul shrugged again. "Hopefully there's some kind of ceremony that the shaman, Old Quil can perform… that's what they are researching."

"Fuck. If he is stuck with her forever… Shadow will kill her."

"Shadow?" Paul asked.

"His wolf, he calls him Shadow."

"Huh. Suits him. Black."

"Yes." She studied Paul. He could keep secrets better than most people. "You have to keep an eye on him for me, Paul."

"Sam? Why? He's big enough and ugly enough to look after himself. Fuck, he's stronger than me."

"Shadow attacked Emily. The first time. The time her face got hurt. Did you know that?"

Paul looked horrified. "Holy shit! I did **not** know that! No wonder he never thinks about that night." Paul gulped his coffee. "You mean he didn't phase near her… the wolf tried to take her out."

She nodded. "The wolf didn't like her … even then… so he _really_ doesn't like her now."

Paul studied her. "But he likes you."

"I guess so…" but she knew that he did. He had sat there happily and let her hug him and talk to him. He hadn't tried to rip _her_ face off.

"He has liked you since the time you got lost in the woods."

"He found me… he snuffled over me and stuck his nose in my face…"

"Jesus." Paul snorted. "Did you have nightmares about that?"

"I did dream about the black wolf but it took me a long time to realise that he was protecting me in my dreams the same way he protected me from the vampire in the meadow."

"You said Sam phased … that day with the ice… I never asked you, but what did the wolf do?"

It was a perceptive question. Paul was much smarter than he often let people know. She didn't blink. "He was pretty unnerved for a second…"

"Sam tried to fight the phase," Paul guessed.

"I suppose so. Too close to me."

She paused.

"And?"

"He lowered his head and his ears and dropped his tail…"

"Submissive behaviour," Paul noted. "He **does** like you… and?"

"I hugged him."

Paul studied her again. He just nodded. "You'll be okay." It was a statement.

"So will you," she replied.

He leered at her. "You want one last tumble for the road?" he asked.

She actually chuckled. "You will definitely be okay." She shook her head. "You're not **my** Paul anymore," she told him.

"I know," he agreed. He looked distressed.

"But you can give me a proper hug goodbye… that last one was awful… like you were hugging your grandmother or something," she complained.

"Noted. I need to grab that stuff."

"Sure, you know where it is?"

He nodded. He stood, put his mug in the sink and walked with his long stride out of the kitchen. She met him at the bottom of the stairs. He had some clothes in his hand. She held open a plastic bag and he put the clothes in it.

Then he hugged her properly. He ran his hand down her neck under her hair and he squeezed her ass with the other hand. He kissed the top of her head. He walked out the door and he didn't look back. Just as well because he would have seen her sobbing her heart out. He could probably hear her anyway but he let her have her dignity.

FF_2154210_ - 20/10/2011 10:45:00 PM


	32. I will let you down R

**32. I will let you down R**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p><em><strong>[AN: usually I am very good at keeping track of time, but I am just lost here… so Bella is still in High School… it's like the longest school term… ever!]<strong>_

Time passed. She survived school. The rumours that she had been dumped and that Paul had taken up with someone else within days, started. She didn't blame him, she was his imprint and it was more than days before he could even approach Rachel. Bella knew that the rumours weren't strictly true. But the bitches had a field day and she just tried to ignore them. She spent most of her free time at school in the library; they never went there. She didn't go out to La Push. She wasn't up to _that_. She did phone Jake and they had long rambling conversations like they used to; when he had the time. Which truthfully, wasn't very often.

She survived. She always did, even if she didn't think she was going to. Somehow she found the strength to survive. Charlie stopped watching her with worried eyes. She was getting much better at having her heart torn out. Practice makes perfect.

Jake very carefully told her that Paul and Rachel were dating. Rachel had actually said that he was nicer than she had thought he would be, given his reputation. Bella felt pleased with that. She felt like she was owed the credit for making Paul Lahote into an eligible date.

88888888888888

Sam survived too. Jake filled him in on the Bella news. Neither knew he was talking to the other. Sam avoided sex with Emily. Truth was he couldn't get it up anymore. That made him feel conflicted. He felt like less of a man at the same time that he was thanking his body for failing him. Shadow was getting seriously twitchy. He still hadn't accused Emily of anything over the pregnancy but she seemed wary of him. She knew something was going on and all her usual gossip sources failed her because this was pack business, and no one associated with the pack talked to her or any of her known cronies any more. He went to work, he ate and then he left. He did patrols. He found any excuse to leave his home. He pulled away from her, more and more often. And she knew it.

He prayed that she was not pregnant. That he had not made her pregnant during the couple of times they had had sex after the 'positive' test result. A couple of weeks passed and Emily still didn't smell any different to him. He spent his nights sleeping in the forest near Bella's house. Keeping an eye on her.

Then he got a message from Billy via Jake. He went over there to talk to him face to face.

Billy didn't muck around. "I think we have the solution but it's going to be hard," he just stated baldly.

Sam actually laughed out loud at that. What had he done so far, that had been _easy_? Were they kidding? "What hasn't been?" he growled out.

Jake looked concerned. "You need to talk to Bella, Sam."

"This isn't about Bella."

"The hell it isn't," Jake argued.

"I just want to break my imprint." He clutched at his own chest as he said it. Fuck! That hurt.

"You need to tell her… you need to say you are going to try… if you don't tell her, she will try to push you away to save you from yourself… you have to be honest with her. I know her Sam; she's still my best friend and we are talking again."

Bella.

Sam didn't want to hurt her again. "And what if the imprint breaking doesn't work?" Jesus, it nearly killed him to think of that as a possibility. That he might be stuck with Emily. "What if I make all kinds of promises to her and I can't keep them? What if I tear her heart out again? She'd die, Jake. It would just kill her to go through the false hope again… I can't do that to her…"

"I think she needs to be there Sam. Aren't you doing this for her?" Jake pushed. Billy just watched.

"Partly," he finally admitted.

"Look at it this way, you won't imprint again," Jake suggested.

Sam snorted derisively. "You can't say that… we can't be sure that I won't break this one and turn around and imprint on the next woman I see…" he struggled to remember the legends. "Taha Aki had three wives; were they all imprints? Was each one consecutive? We don't know… did he live a longer than normal human length life and his imprint died and then he got another one… and then a third? Is that what happened? He would have had a long life, its part of the package."

Billy shrugged.

"So have Bella there… as the next woman you see," Jake suggested archly.

Sam just snorted again. He looked grey around the mouth; as if he was having a heart attack. Billy's eyes looked worried.

"Break it," Billy muttered. "And then we will see. You cannot continue like this. You are killing yourself. I'll order you if I have to. I will not lose a member of the wolf pack over… this. And the Alpha."

Sam nodded.

"You tell her, Sam or I will," Jake threatened.

"Okay. I'll tell her," Sam spat out. Blasted Blacks bullying him.

Jake grinned wickedly. "She could be your third wife… Leah, Emily, Bella."

Sam grunted. "She's already slashed her arm open," he chuckled.

888888888

Jake insisted on his telling her now. Jake drove him to her house and said he would wait outside for him. Untrustworthy pup.

He knocked on her door with his heart in his mouth.

She must have heard Jake's car. "Jake, you never…" She opened the door in a hurry and then she paused. "…knock," she finished.

She blinked.

"Sam," she breathed and then she hugged him. Jake waved at her as he leant on his car. She waved back. And then she apologized.

"God, Sam. I'm sorry. I just needed to…" she waved a hand at him. "Warm…" she said as if that explained everything. "I still miss that."

"Can I talk to you?" he chewed it out. She smelt so good to him. He hadn't wanted to let her go.

"Sure. Jake?" she asked. He shook his head. She looked a little confused but she dragged Sam inside her house. He heard Jake's whispered blessing.

They sat on opposite sides of her kitchen table. He laid it all out for her; he was going to try and break his imprint. They had found a ritual that may work and he wanted to try it. Oddly after talking to Billy it was all clear in his head, and he had always been able to talk to Bella. Since they were weeding the Cullen house together.

"It may not work. But if you want to… you could come… and watch…" he suggested.

She watched him, her brown eyes sympathetic. "I am not sure I … can watch you do that to yourself. But if you want me there… I'll be there."

"I can't go on like this…" he admitted. He shook his head.

"No," she agreed. "I am utterly horrified by Emily's behaviour. I know you don't like to hear ill of her… but she is **not** the right person for you… I told you that I thought the gods had made a mistake… ages ago when we… were at the ice machine." She paused. "Paul told me about the pregnancy… that she is faking it."

Sam felt like crying. When had everything gone so wrong?

"If you break it, then what are you going to do?" she asked him.

And that is why he thinks he loved her. She has had an awful time recently and she is worried about him. That shocked him. He loved her. He had actually allowed himself to think it.

"I love you," he said.

She blinked. "Paul knew that."

"Yes."

"His pack love theory. The alphas lead the pack. He told me."

"Yes."

"Can you say anything other than yes?"

"Yes."

As battered as they both were, they actually managed to smile at each other.

"I'm still here," she conceded. Which was as close to an 'I love you' as he would get right now.

"Yes. I noticed. You didn't run away." That was another reason why he watched her at night.

"Did you watch to make sure?"

"Yes,"

"Did you and Shadow guard me?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Last night?"

"Yes. Every night."

"You're doing it again."

He grinned. "Yes."

Their hands crept towards each other across the table top. They touched hands. Their fingers interlaced. He sighed heavily and clung to her fingers. He tried to keep breathing through the pain.

She watched him and she looked concerned. "This had better work," she muttered. "I hate causing you pain. And I know this is hurting you."

"Yes." He couldn't lie to her.

They sat there for the longest time just holding hands and looking at each other. In the end Jake knocked on the door and said they had to go. He gave Bella one of his rib crusher hugs. "I'll let you know when it this is all going to happen Bells. Sam has to fast … you know go without food and join with the spirits and do some other secret squirrel things first."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Secret wolf things, Jake," he chided.

Jake ignored him. "Paul or I will come collect you before the actual ceremony. Okay Bells?"

She nodded. She just looked worried. She hugged Sam goodbye. Shadow almost purred.

FF_2154210_ - 22/10/2011 01:19:00 AM


	33. I will make you hurt R

**33. I will make you hurt R**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Sam had to stay away from Emily. Billy ordered him to. The whole thing would fall over if she just ordered him not to go, or not to leave her. The pack ran interference and she could not get near him. And he would not order them to let her through.<p>

She worked out very quickly that they were not averse to manhandling her if necessary; especially Quil or Leah. Leah was itching to get her hands on Emily. Whatever status she used to have as the Alpha's imprint was long gone. She was still frightened of Quil and the pack knew it. Sam blustered that he didn't need them, but Paul or Leah shoved ear plugs in Sam's ears if she was coming over, so that he couldn't hear her screeching at him. She seemed to have given up on the baby thing, at least with Sam. He had no idea what she was telling the rest of the reservation and he didn't care anymore.

Then he had to fast and finally he had to sit in the wilderness with Old Quil for twenty four hours.

He was brought to the ritual area. The pack would observe as well as Billy. None of them wanted the imprints there, it seemed somehow insulting to them, to watch the pack Alpha try to destroy what had brought them together with their wolf pack member. But Leah was there. Uncharacteristically she clung to Jake's hand nervously. Jake had run over to Bella's and she had driven her truck up to the appointed place. Emily had come with one of her cronies.

Old Quil had a large intricately patterned cedar bowl. He held it under Sam's elbow and then he slashed his arm open with the ritual knife. Sam's blood poured into the bowl to be mixed with white ash, herbs, salt and some other special ingredients.

He was handed another bowl with some kind of tea in it. He drank it down in one gulp and tried not to make a face. Old Quil pointed at a spot and Sam obediently sat.

Old Quil muttered some kind of incantation as he drew a large circle around Sam with the contents of the bowl. Sam would just have to crawl out of the circle. It sounded easy, but he was in a state of constant pain from denying his imprint, he had been fasting, he had just had his arm slashed open and Lord knows what was in the tea he had just drunk. He was weak from hunger and loss of blood.

It was a trial, as it should be.

And it was not just a circle drawn on the ground; it had magic. They could all feel a tingling when the circle closed. Sam would be weak, wounded, and literally fighting himself.

Old Quil rattled his stick and the beads and charms clanged together. Sam opened his eyes. He looked around him with puzzled eyes. He didn't seem to be able to see them. He shook his head.

"Whoa," muttered Jared before old Quil waved a hand at him. The pack fell silent. Billy waved at Emily and she let go of her girlfriend's hand and stepped forward to her appointed spot at the edge of the circle to Sam's right. Bella stood opposite her on the other side of the circle.

Sam shook his head and looked around again. He saw his pack and he saw Emily but he still looked dazed and confused. His eyes just slid across them. Leah sucked in a harsh breath.

And then he saw Bella. He gave an instant physical reaction, as if he had focused on her. He went to move but fell over in the dirt. He fell towards her. He tried to lift himself to uncross his legs, but he fell face down in the dirt again. It was not like Sam to be ungainly or clumsy and it looked so odd. He hauled himself up and he started to crawl towards her. He dug his fingers into the ground and he dragged himself infinitesimally towards her.

Seth moved as if wanted to help him and Bella almost shrieked at him. "No, he has to do it himself, Seth. Don't step inside the circle."

"I don't understand," Seth whined.

Leah patted his arm. "He's trying to break the imprint Seth. We can't help him. He has to break it himself to show it is what he really wants. If he _can't_ break it, he stays …" she didn't finish that sentence.

"Fuck!"

"Don't stress, Seth. He can do it," Quil stated with his usual blind optimism. His grandfather frowned at him.

Sam crawled. He felt like he was tearing his own heart out.

"Sam?" Emily called. She knew she couldn't move, but no one had told her she couldn't talk to him.

Shadow growled.

Sam stopped. He shook his head; like a drunk trying to clear it.

He focused on Bella.

She was his choice. His prize. He wanted her. Oh, how he wanted her.

She just watched him. She tilted her head a tiny bit to the side and she gave a little jerk of her chin. It said 'get your ass over here Uley'.

And that was the difference.

It was what she **didn't** say that mattered. She hadn't even told him that she loved him, but he knew.

She had inherited more than her clumsiness from her father. She had inherited his inability to communicate well with words. But she didn't need them now.

He took another painful movement forward. His fingers digging in once more, to hold him in place against what felt like a physical weight that tugged him backwards; back towards Emily.

Bella's mouth lifted in a tiny smile. Her eyes looked hopeful. It was the hope that got to him. He couldn't let her down again. He **had** to do this for her. He _wanted_ to do this for her.

Embry and Paul watched him. Jared couldn't look. He had his hands over his face, blocking his eyes.

Emily tried to step forward, but old Quil held his stick in front of her; keeping her behind her line. She frowned at him in her frustration. And then she tried talking again.

"I love you Sam. I am your imprint. I always loved you."

He didn't respond. He didn't turn his head.

She tried again, "I knew you weren't happy with Leah…"

Shadow snarled inside Sam's head. It actually helped. Shadow kept up a snarling snapping undertone to Emily's words. Stupid cow should never have mentioned Leah. She had learnt nothing. The wolf had never coped with her betrayal of family. Leah was her pack; her **family** and she had hurt her. And she had taken joy in doing so. She had never missed an opportunity to remind Leah that Sam was with her. Even after she had imprinted on Jake.

"I am the wolf gods' choice for you… your perfect mate… your other half…" she tried. Bitch. Other half of what? He didn't want to be that.

He glanced at Leah. She stood in Jake's arms. She was chewing her lip. He knew from seeing inside her head, that she didn't hate him. For everything he had done to her she still didn't hate him. She was a good person. He was glad she was happy and still in the pack.

He glanced back at Bella.

Shadow kept growling. He could barely hear Emily anymore.

Bella stayed behind her line; she didn't move towards him and she didn't move away. And she didn't say a word. She seemed to be barely breathing.

Sam crawled.

Emily called to him.

And he crawled some more. He kept his eyes glued on those dirty, ratty sneakers of hers. His fingers clawed into the dirt. His nails were broken and bleeding.

He crawled some more. He was exhausted after the fasting and the blood loss. Even as rapidly as his body could replace it, he felt light headed and hallucinatory. The tea, it must be the tea.

He dragged himself further. He was almost within reaching distance.

And his hand reached out, dirty and stained with blood. He had to push harder to reach across the circle mark on the ground. He dug his toes into the dirt and he pushed. He reached towards those battered and worn Converse that he always gave her shit for wearing. So unfeminine.

He touched the front of her foot. He left a bloody mark on her shoe. She still didn't move. His hand crept up the side of her shoe, making its way to the back of her foot. He reached up a little and that hand locked around Bella Swan's ankle. She didn't move. She anchored him in place.

He felt like he was having a heart attack; his chest felt so tight. He gasped and he tried to breathe.

Her other foot moved a fraction backwards, it was probably just for balance but he was so terrified that she was leaving that he threw himself forward a little more and grabbed at it with his other hand.

He lay prostrate at her feet. And he let out a noise that he personally never wanted to hear come out of his own mouth ever again. It was a combination of pain and agony and hurt.

But he let it out.

**Out**.

And then she crouched down and she placed her little white hand on the top of his head. And she brushed it across his hair and made a soft crooning noise. "It's okay boys… you're here now…" she crooned at them. Because it was always a 'them' for her. They were a package deal and she had never cared.

She always was good with weird, was Bella Swan.

"NOOOO!" Emily screamed as she felt the imprint shatter. Old Quil just nodded. He didn't need to say anything; Sam had passed the test.

Funny, he had always thought of it as an elastic thing or a rubber band. But it shattered; he could feel the bands around his chest loosen and for the first time in months he could take a deep breath.

Bella just kept patting him on the head like a good puppy.

And he loved it.

"Can we touch him _now_?" asked Seth plaintively.

"Jesus," breathed Paul. "That took some fucking guts Sam."

"Yeah," said Embry. "Made me hurt just to watch it."

Emily was sobbing. She turned to her friend. "Take me home," she begged.

Bella stood up again. Sam was still holding her ankles. "**No**!" Bella shouted. It was a command.

Everyone looked at her.

"She goes to Sam's house to pack and then she **leaves**," Bella announced.

There was silence.

"What? It's my home," Emily pleaded.

"No. Actually it's not," Bella stated. "It's **Sam's** home. He is Pack. He was granted that land by the tribal council. You have no rights here anymore. You are not an imprint. You need to pack and you need to leave. Now."

"I agree," said Leah. She turned to their chief. "Billy?"

He sighed. He looked aggrieved to say it, but he nodded. "She is correct, Emily. You need to go home to your family." There was a pause. "In Neah Bay," he clarified. Last thing Sue Clearwater would want was Emily showing up on her doorstep.

Emily switched to furious. "You can't do this to me…" she hissed.

But Bella was her match there too.

She pointed at her. "You will pack and you **will** leave. And if you take one thing that does not belong to you…" Emily got a sly look on her face. "…or break anything… or damage one **single** item… I will send the pack after you…" Bella threatened her. She bristled. She looked every inch, the alpha mate.

The pack all seemed to suddenly radiate menace somehow.

Bella whispered, "They saw inside his head… **every single day**… they know… they know what you did to him and how you deceived him… shame on you, Emily Young for pretending to be pregnant with his child."

Old Quil shook his head at that. Billy looked pained.

Emily looked a tiny bit uncertain. She had never taken that much interest in the actual logistics of the pack. She had no real idea how it functioned. She glanced around at the assembled pack members. None of whom looked sympathetic. None of them defended her. And none of them were on her side.

And she had just worked that out.

Paul lifted his top lip in his usual sneer. "Goodbye, Emily," he said.

"Sam?" she tried one last time.

"Go." It was all he said. Nothing else was needed. He didn't even look at her.

"Thanks for the muffins," quipped Quil. They all laughed bitterly.

"Jake," ordered Billy. "Go with her."

"I'm coming too," added Leah. "I know what belongs to Sam and what doesn't. I'll call you if I need to check anything." She gave Bella a nod. She could trust Leah to guard her and she'd probably check her suitcase before she left. And enjoy doing it.

Billy nodded.

"We'll meet you there, cousin," said Leah with more threat in her voice than Bella would have thought possible.

Emily scuttled away with one last look at Sam where he still lay prone on the ground. His chest rising and falling. His eyes closed.

Bella crouched down again.

"Sam?" She put her fingers on his lips and he kissed them. "Can you get up?"

He grunted some response she didn't understand. Jared and Paul stepped forward and slid a hand under each shoulder. They lifted him under the arms. He reluctantly let go of her ankles before he pulled her over. Bella took a step back and sat down in the dirt and they put Sam's head in her lap. His arms went around her back and he buried his face in her lap. The boys clapped him on the shoulder hard enough for it to jar through to her. Paul passed her a bottle of water and she smiled at him. He brushed her hair back from her forehead and returned her smile.

She sat there and she hummed tunelessly and she rubbed Sam's back.

And when they had all gone. He cried.

FF_2154210_ - 23/10/2011 04:10:00 AM


	34. If I could start again

**34. If I could start again**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Bella's cell phone rang. It was Leah.<p>

"Tell Sam, she's got a fucking u-haul truck."

"Don't care," he mumbled. His face still in Bella's lap. "She can take everything. I've got all I need," he added.

Bella glowed.

Bella spoke into the phone. "Make sure she takes the bed and all the bedding, Leah. And all that decorative crap. Her little doilies. And all her cooking shit. I don't want it."

"Gotcha. Are you still sitting on that spot?" she asked suddenly.

"Yeah."

"Fucks sake, Sam. She'll be freezing. I thought you cared about this girl," she chided.

Sam suddenly lifted his head. He could hear Leah and she knew he could.

"It's dark," he noted stupidly.

"Yes," agreed Bella.

He frowned at her. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I was happy."

He beamed at her.

They could hear a frustrated sigh from the phone.

"Go to Mum's," Leah ordered. "Fuck knows you've got nowhere else to go. I can stay at Jake's. You can have my bed and I do NOT want to know what you do in it. Just make sure you change the sheets."

There was a pause and then she called to Jake. "Yeah, yeah she can take the bed," and she hung up.

Sam sat up. His hands had healed but he was still dirty. The dirt on his face had streaked with his tears and Bella had a muddy wet spot on her lap.

"It's not fair that she came with nothing and she leaves with a truck," Bella pointed out.

"Don't care. The house could be completely empty and I would be happy as long as I had you."

She kissed him.

88888888

Bella drove her truck back to the rez. They knocked on Sue's door. She took one look at Sam and flung her arms around him.

"Oh thank the gods," she said. "It worked. I have never seen a man more unhappy and still trying so hard to do the right thing, Sam. You are a credit to your mother; she raised you right."

She bundled them inside, insisted Sam have a shower, and threw some spare clothes at him. They were Seth's but they would do. She even fed them. Bella sat holding Sam's hand while he ate with the other hand. Shovelled food in like a starving man, more than actually ate. She rang Charlie and told him she was at Sue's and that she might be home tomorrow and then she put Sue on for a chat too, before the awkward questions started.

They lay in Leah's bed. Their arms wrapped around each other. Bella's face pressed against his broad chest. Sam was naked, Bella was not. He couldn't sleep in clothes he argued. She still had a bra and panties on.

"I can hear your heart beating," she commented.

"I can breathe now…"

"You were drowning."

"Suffocating."

"How did you convince old Quil?"

"Paul and Jared weighed in too. They both have imprints now that aren't pack. He knew Jake was different with Leah, so he was ready to discount that one. But they knew how it should be. Paul fought hard for me."

"And for me…" she suggested.

"Yes, I think you might have had something to do with that. He loves you. And then Billy pushed Old Quil too. He could deny all the younglings but he couldn't argue with Billy. But Emily was… wrong… somehow. The imprint was wrong… she might have been okay if she wasn't as bound to me as I was to her… she was just as stuck you know."

"You still can't be mean to her…"

"No, I disagree… I used to know her… I didn't know her well, I mean, I barely looked at her… but she was Leah's friend… oh heck, I don't know…"

"She can't have had that much love for Leah or she wouldn't have behaved that way, in the first place, surely?"

"She got a little drunk on the power… I had to do what she wanted… and she abused that…we were both new to the imprint stuff… "

"I don't think that is an excuse… "

"No, I hurt her and then she hurt me back, and it just escalated…"

"She could have just asked you to let her go and you would have done it; if she asked you to release her? Surely that would have been easier? Or if she had just left, Sam… after you hurt her… staying around while it kept your imprint nearby, didn't do either of you any favours. Would you have made it without her?"

"I don't know Bells… but if I had been off my game at all… lying around and mourning the loss of my imprint… maybe the redhead would have got through… and she might have got you."

Bella grunted some noise of agreement. She had actually forgotten about Victoria.

Sam continued, "It actually hurt to be away from her, to deny her or to criticise her. I can't imagine how I would have felt if she had just left. Even if I told her she could."

"I suppose so…"

"So maybe it was good she was around then?" he tried.

"She was vindictive and mean… but now … she's gone… Sam… she's gone."

"Man, you were so impressive… I was so proud of you."

"I didn't say anything that wasn't true… it **was** your house … it still **is** your house… she has no right to it or to you…"

"Yeah…" he snuggled her closer.

"We still… haven't… you know… had sex…" she whispered.

"I can wait…" he sighed. "I don't want to do it here. This is Leah's bed and it smells too much like Jake and Leah."

"Ewww." She backed away from him.

"Hey, hey…" he hauled her back. "You get used to it… the scents can be overwhelming sometimes… but you get used to them. You sniff someone's hand and you have a scent map of everything they did that day."

"So you want our first time to be…" She stopped.

"What?" he asked. "Special?" When she didn't answer him, he resorted to suggesting some other words. "Awesome?... quick? No… not that one. Oh… how about epic?" His voice dropped to a lower register, "Marathon?"

She snickered. "We don't even have a bed," she pointed out.

"Don't need a bed," he stated. "A wall… the stairs… kitchen counter… okay… we need to stop talking about this…"

She looked a little doubtful. As if she thought he didn't want her.

He seemed to know what she was thinking. "I want you. I want you in every way possible. And I am never doing the missionary ever again. And I want to have sex with the light on and in the morning…" He groaned. "Oh, we really need to stop talking about this."

8888888

Sam was awake before dawn. He leant on his elbow and lay there and studied the woman asleep next to him. He brushed a stray hair out of her face.

He wanted to scoop her up, run to his house and make love to her on the floor inside the front door. Maybe if he stared at her hard enough she would wake up. His eyes bored into her face.

Dammit… he tried again. Her eyelids twitched.

"I'm asleep," she mumbled at him.

"Ha! Not anymore," he crowed.

She squirmed on the bed. She tried to open her eyes. He leaned over her eagerly. Her eyes opened and she blinked. He beamed at her.

"Sam… hello."

He decided that her voice in the morning was his new favourite thing. Low and husky.

"Can we go home now?" he asked.

"It's dark," she mumbled at him; blinking.

"I'll carry you," he offered.

He had an idea. He leapt off the bed and threw on Seth's borrowed cut offs. Bella blinked and watched him. He untucked the corners of the sheet, threw them over her body and parcelled her up.

"Leah's sheet," she protested. "She said to change it, not steal it."

"She'll probably burn it anyway," he told her. He looked down at her all bundled up. "Look at you… can't wait to un-wrap you," he breathed at her.

She grinned at him mischievously. "Is it your birthday?"

"It is now, baby."

She uttered a muffled squeak as he scooped her up into his arms. She wriggled to get one arm out. She had been there before; he had carried her out of the forest, carried her to the medical centre when she gashed her arm, he would carry her anywhere. She indicated her bag and he dropped her down to snag the strap in her hand. He carried her to the front door.

"My truck," she pointed out as they snuck out the front door.

"Later," he growled at her as he loped off towards his house.

"Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"I feel… energised…" he confessed.

"Of course."

"Why?"

"You have been pushing yourself to function on half rations; you couldn't even breathe properly. You are like one of those athletes that train at high altitude and then come down to sea level and have a huge advantage."

"You're pretty smart you know."

"Yes, but I meant about going back to the house."

"She's gone." He shrugged. "It'll still smell like her for a while. Not much I can do about that." He got an evil glint in his eye. "Unless…."

"What?" she asked suspiciously.

"You can never wear underwear in my house," he stated.

She giggled. "You want me to… scent… everything in your house?"

"Yeah. Rub you all over it…"

She just shivered. The look on his face when he said that made her breath catch. "What if we have visitors?"

"No. No visitors. I want you all to myself. Just me and Shadow. Curl up with you and keep you safe," he grunted out. It sounded like a confession.

"Shadow's okay?"

He tilted his head as if he was listening inside. "He's good… he's content." He chuckled. "No combat advantage there, if my wolf is happily rolling in his scent pile."

"He needs a break," Bella suggested.

"Yeah. Maybe he does."

"Tell someone else to do some patrols for a change." Her free hand played with the hair on the back of his neck.

"You ordering me?" he asked her.

"Nope. Haven't you earnt a few patrols free?"

He just nodded. He remembered how he preferred to patrol rather than go home. He shifted the woman in his arms and held her a tiny bit closer. That wouldn't be happening again.

They approached his house. He stopped and just looked at it. The flowers in the boxes and the freaking wind chimes. Those were going in the trash, as if he needed the extra noise.

"Sam?"

He breathed out heavily. "She took it over… it wasn't my house… you know?"

She pressed her fingers on his neck. "I know. That's exactly what I thought… the first time I was here. Doilies and muffins are just… unmanly, Sam."

He chuckled. "Yeah."

"What if we repainted? That'll cover the smell."

"Yep, it will. I adore you," he told her intently.

"You have always looked after me, Sam. You have always been there for me. You're the man of my dreams. Did you know that I used to dream about you and Shadow all the time? I love you. I think I have had a connection with you from the time you found me lost in the forest. I was just so shattered, that I kind of missed it."

"I couldn't have offered you _anything_ then," he stated.

"No. Not like now."

"Wait a sec… I'm supposed to be fucking you on the porch, not having a chick flick moment."

"The porch, huh? Well it's still fairly dark…"

"Yeah?"

"Oh yes… make me scream, Sam. I want the whole rez to hear it."

Jesus. That went straight to his cock. So much for not being able to perform recently. He growled at her. It was a low, possessive growl and it shivered through her body.

"I'd do anything for you Sam," she whispered to him.

"Anything?" he checked.

She just smiled. It was a completely knowing smile. "Anything," she repeated.

He took the last few steps and laid his precious bundle on the porch right where the steps went up. He knelt at her feet and unwrapped her carefully, folding out the sheet to cover the bare boards of the veranda. He crawled over her as he folded out the last corners. She reached up and placed her hands on his cheeks. She pulled his face down to hers and she kissed him.

He wanted to crawl inside her mouth.

And then her hands slid down his neck, down his chest, across his abs and undid the band of his cut-offs and those little white hands buried themselves in his groin.

He groaned into her mouth. He pulled away from her to breathe; his forehead resting on hers. He panted as she wrapped her hands around his weeping cock. "Mmmm… mine," she growled at him.

His hand reached down and he grasped the front band of her panties and he just tore them apart. She grunted a little but she lifted her hips up at him. She still had her bra on. He'd deal with that later. Right now, he just wanted to get inside her.

She lifted one leg and wrapped it around his hip. He stared into her eyes. Reached down and aimed with one hand and then he pushed his way into her. He had to work at it a bit and she didn't seem to care. When he was fully seated inside her they both made a noise.

"Bells…"

"Sam…"

He arched his back, pushing up on his arms above her. His head fell back and his eyes closed. She watched him avidly. He pushed himself harder into her. Her hands stroked up and down his chest. He stayed there for quite some time and then he seemed to pull himself back together. He opened his eyes and looked down at her and he smiled. He dragged himself out of her and then he stopped with just the tip of him resting at her opening and then he slammed himself back into her.

"Oh yes," she cried out.

He did it again… and again…

"Sam… Sam…" she called to him.

He stopped. "What's the matter? Am I hurting your back on the floor?"

"No. No," she panted. "Missionary…"

He looked confused.

"You said you never wanted to do it again," she reminded him.

"I forgot about that…" He leered at her. "What do you want, Baby?"

"I want to ride you," she stated.

"Excellent!" He put one large hand at the centre of her back and flipped them both over. He settled himself with a wriggle onto his back on top of the sheet. His feet were down a couple of steps. "Oh, look at this," he commented and lifted his thighs up, lifting her up with him. She squawked and grabbed at him, giggling.

"Hands!" she ordered. He held them up obediently and their fingers laced together. "I like something to hold onto," she told him.

"You can hold onto me anytime, baby," he crooned at her.

She lifted herself, using his hands for stability and then she slammed her whole body down onto him.

"Ouuff," he said and then he chuckled. "I am **not** going to ask…"

"No," she agreed. "I wouldn't (another slam) if I was you."

And she rode him.

And he loved it.

He realised at one stage that the dawn was breaking. It seemed like an omen; a new start, a new day. A day that they would spend together. And as that thought crossed his mind, he lost himself in her.

FF_2154210_ - 23/10/2011 08:04:00 PM


	35. A million miles away

**35. A million miles away**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>It was lucky they had already had sex on the porch because the inside of the house made Bella swear as she wandered through trailing the sheet after her. "The bitch! I swear, you didn't have much before, but this is ridiculous." It was virtually empty. "She must have come back after Leah supervised her packing. There is no way Leah would have let her take everything. We should have appointed a guard."<p>

"It doesn't matter." Sam tucked himself in behind her and hugged her. "I am certain Leah would not let her take anything that _really_ mattered to me… this was all just stuff… most of my personal things are at Momma's. Anything _she_ wanted, I kind of _don't_ want…"

"Humph," she said and went to check the kitchen. "At least she left the fridge."

She was standing in front of the fridge with just her bra on. She looked in the top of the milk. "Do you think she spat in anything?"

Sam just roared with laughter. "If you don't trust her, we can throw it all away. Eat take out for a day," he suggested.

"Ugh. No thank you. We can shop. Later, when we collect the truck." She was looking at him as he stood there naked. He spent a bit of time naked so he was very comfortable in his own skin.

He lifted an eyebrow at her.

"God, Sam. You are a fine figure of a man."

"You quoting Austen at me now?" he asked. "The gentlemen pronounced him to be a fine figure of a man, the ladies declared he was much handsomer than Mr. Bingley," he quoted Pride and Prejudice.

She blinked. "You read… You read _Austen_?"

"Yes."

"Why did I **not** know that?"

He shrugged. "Never asked?"

"So the books here… they were yours?"

"She didn't read. She probably left those."

"Jake told me you gave up a scholarship. What was it for?"

"Teaching. English. Teach kids to read and a whole world opens to them. Even if they start with comics and graphic novels."

"And now you run a construction business," she stated.

"It's not a bad job; good for cover. I can give jobs to the pack. I can train them; give them useful skills and we can be flexible with hours. You know, when we are hunting. As long as we get the job done no one cares _when_ we do it. Their strength comes in handy, too."

"You should teach, Sam. You are a great leader; you'd be an excellent teacher."

He smiled at her. "One day, maybe…" He stepped towards her and hoisted her up, sitting her down on the counter. "Right now I want to make love to my woman."

She put her arms around his neck.

He put his hands on her hips and pressed down, rubbing her along the counter.

She rolled her eyes. "You just had to go and ruin that romantic moment didn't you?"

"You still love me," he stated.

"Yep. Poor me."

"C'mere," he growled at her. "You're on the breakfast counter and the sun's up…I want to eat." It was so long since he had done this and he wanted to feast on her.

"You spill my juice on the counter, and you have to clean it up. House rule," she giggled.

"I'll clean you up," he growled, as she lay down and he pushed her thighs apart. He slid a hand under her thigh and tugged her closer to the edge of the counter. He hovered over her, inhaling deeply with his eyes closed, and the look on his face caused her to gasp sharply. She reached down and ran a hand through his hair. He arched under her touch and then he opened his eyes, looked up the length of her body and buried his face in her. She clutched at his hair.

Sam gave her broad flat, tongued licks all around and over her labia, exactly like he was cleaning her. She hummed and writhed under his attention. Each time she lifted her thighs up around his head, he would flatten them down again, keeping her open for him.

And then pulled her harder onto his face with both big hands locked around the top of her legs. He thrust his tongue inside her channel and fucked her with it.

She screamed. She threw her head back on the counter and she clutched at his head with both hands. And then he went back to carefully cleaning up the new mess she had made of herself. She was begging him by then, "Please… please… please Sam, just fuck me…. Please Sam…. Oh gawd… please…"

He smiled into her and eventually lifted his head. She grabbed him; clutching at him. Her nails left marks on his arms that healed as quickly as she made them, but he loved it.

He stood and shunted her down the counter so that her ass hung off the edge again. He positioned himself, lifted her up and thrust into her. She screamed again. His fingers sank into her thighs hard enough to bruise. She would wear his marks for days and he was secretly pleased.

He stood there with his feet planted firmly, his toes digging in for support and he fucked his woman standing in **his** house. And all was right in his world. But something niggled at him.

"Move… in… with… me," he panted out between thrusts.

"What?"

"Say… yes… Bells," he encouraged; still thrusting into her.

"Oh yeeees… no … wait… oh… ohhhh" She groaned a long deep groan as she shuddered in his hands. "No fair… Sam." She tried to speak properly. "That was me coming… Not answering your question."

"Pfft. I heard it. You said 'yes'. I'm talking to Charlie tomorrow," he announced. His voice almost had an alpha tone, as if it was an order.

She shook her head, but she was smiling. She wriggled where she was still impaled upon his long hard length. "Now what?" she asked. He clearly hadn't finished with her.

"Wall."

"What if it breaks?"

"Construction. I'll fix it."

She giggled. "Give me your best, Sam."

He looked at her, oddly serious for a beat. "You've already got it, Bells."

"I love you too," she responded. "Now fuck me."

"That's my girl."

888888

They ended up having a nap on the bare floor on a couple of old blankets they found in the cupboard, covered by the stolen sheet. She went to sleep with Sam and woke up with Shadow.

"Hey you," she brushed a hand down his fur. He jumped to his feet and started snuffling around the floor. He had waited until she was awake to move.

"She's gone. She's not your… mate or imprint or whatever… not any more."

He seemed to need to check anyway. He searched the house, the massive wolf pushing down the hallway. She almost laughed at him. She leaned on her elbow and watched him. It was just as well there wasn't a lot of furniture. He must have turned around in the empty master bedroom. He came back to where she lay on the floor and licked her face. She laughed. He snuffled all over her with his snout, as if he was checking for himself that she was okay.

And then he went over to the corner of the living room, cocked his leg and pissed in the corner.

"Oh hey," Bella reprimanded. "None of that inside the house." She stood up. "I know you are just marking your territory but you can do that outside." She opened the front door and pointed out. "Go! Mark the house on all sides and then come back."

The wolf looked at her with intelligent eyes. "I'll wait here," she assured him. He trotted purposefully out the door.

She shook her head. "My life is epically weird," she stated.

She had a drink and then when he came back, she made Shadow lie back down on the floor. He curled around her protectively and she stroked his fur and cuddled into him until she yawned and promptly, went back to sleep. She hadn't slept much the night before Sam's trial of will, and she was still pretty worn out. She woke to Sam's heated hands on her.

8888888888888888

**Momma**

Bella flung Leah's discarded sheet around herself as a woman she had never met came barrelling in the door of Sam's house. Sam was in the bathroom.

"Is it true?" she shouted. "Has that bitch gone?"

Bella clutched the sheet around her breasts and thought that whoever she was, at least if she hated Emily, she was her friend. "Ah… you mean Emily?"

The woman nodded.

"Gone."

"Yes!" she punched the sky. "Where is he? **Sam**!" she hollered.

"Momma?" she heard from up the hallway. Holy crap, she was Sam's mum. She didn't look old enough. She had to be less than forty.

The woman looked her over. Sam came stumbling into the room, trying to put his pants on at the same time. Bella held her hand out to her. "I'm Bella, Bella Swan," she introduced herself.

She took the proffered hand. "Allison Uley." She didn't let her hand go. "This your doing?"

"Y-yes…" she still wasn't sure of her standing.

"Momma, stop harassing my woman." Sam stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her, kissing the top of her head.

"Pfft. Harassing. My ass… nice of you to let your mother know you've got a new woman. Would it have killed you to pick up a phone? And what the hell is this freaky shit I hear about? With circles of blood? And what happened about the baby?"

Of course, the imprint breaking was a secret so therefore the entire rez must know about it. Maybe not the details, but that it happened, yeah, **that** they knew.

"There wasn't a baby," Sam stated. "Never was one."

"She tried that?" Allison's eyes narrowed. "Just as well she is gone…" she muttered. "I'd be kicking her ass otherwise."

"You came over from the Lower Elwha reserve?" Sam tried to change the subject. "How's Mark?"

"Don't change the subject. We are talking about your love life, not mine," she barked at him. "Got any coffee? Or did she take that too?"

"I-I'm not sure, but she may have spat in it. I'm not willing to take the risk," Bella told her.

She laughed. "Sam, go buy some coffee and milk. I'll wait here with your woman."

Bella tried to ask him with her eyes, if she knew about the wolves and pack business, but Sam didn't seem to speak panicked Bella face. He headed off to do his mother's bidding. She thought he could probably run it fast enough.

"Tap water will be fine." She found two glasses and filled them at the sink. "Do you need to cover up?"

"Not a lot of point is there?" she wrapped the sheet a little more securely under her arms, and tucked the end in.

"Ha-ha. I like you already."

And then Bella thought of something. No one talked to her about how Sam had been before the imprint and his mother would know. And she could ask her while Sam wasn't around. "What was he like… before, you know?"

"Sam?"

"Yes. Nobody talks to me about it… or about her."

"I'll talk," she stated. "You listen."

Bella just nodded. They stood with their backs leaning against the counters.

"You know his history… Leah?"

Another nod.

"I thought Sam and Leah were in it for the long haul. Sure they were young. But they were a great couple. I was proud of the young man my Sam had grown into.

When he went missing for those two weeks; Leah and I banded together. I panicked; thought he was turning into his father. Gone on a binge or something, just like his father had once too often. I feared it, but I didn't believe it. Like a lot of children of alcoholics; Sam is the exact opposite. He doesn't drink and I could not imagine him doing any such thing.

When he came back; he was different. More serious. And oddly, physically bigger. As if he had gone on some boot camp or something. He had always been mature and serious for his age, but now he used single words and he was so serious, he was almost dark with it. He seemed blacker to me. He seemed to be so different. But I was still his 'momma'; he had always called me that."

Bella thought it was odd that his mother used the word 'blacker', when that was always how he had appeared in her dreams; black around the edges.

Allison continued, "But he wouldn't say where he had been and no one else would tell me either. Tribal business my ass; as if I wasn't part of the tribe?

The council finally gave him permission to move into this place; his and Leah's home they hoped. They had been planning it for so long. It had been abandoned and he renovated it in a frenetic rush. He seemed to be trying to prove something to himself …or maybe to Leah.

And then the worst happened. He and Leah broke up. The home of their dreams was finished but Leah would never live in it. My heart broke for them both. I had really thought they would make it together.

I barely knew Emily when she just came over from Neah Bay with her bags packed and moved in with Sam. It all happened too quickly, I reckoned. And in Leah's house? The Rez gossips grabbed that one eagerly. It was too fast. It was unseemly. And lord knows, they loved to gossip about the Uleys.

And then, within a week, that awful accident happened and Emily ended up in hospital."

Her intelligent eyes fixed on Bella. "How on earth did she get attacked by a bear? In La Push? I hadn't even seen one for years. And Emily was not the type to be out where a bear could attack her. They would go through your garbage but to attack someone? It didn't make sense. She certainly looked like something had attacked her. The livid claw marks down her face and arms showed that.

I didn't know what had happened. But I did know my Sam. And there was something wrong.

He was so distressed after the bear attack. He had not wanted to see Emily and that struck me as weird. His new girlfriend was badly injured and he wanted to stay away from her? How does that make sense?

'You don't understand, Momma,' he kept telling me. And he was right; I didn't.

And then Emily was back. And things changed again. I was no longer welcome at his house. I'd telephone and drop in. But it was obvious that I wasn't welcome. I moved over to the Lower Elwha reserve about then for other reasons.

He came over and I insisted that he tell me why he was with Emily when she made him so unhappy."

She took in a deep breath as if the next part was going to be hard to say. "I'll never forget it. He stood there with his hands clenched into fists and he chewed out the words. 'Everything's good, Allison. I'm happy with Emily.'

Never heard such crap in my life. I told him this was weird and wrong somehow. It was only later that I realised he hadn't called me 'Momma'. There was most definitely something wrong. I thought maybe he was trying to tell me something? The whole scene was strange and forced somehow. As if he **had** to say the words but he didn't want to.

And he had been hanging around with a bunch of young men who all looked like him and acted like him. It was almost like a gang. And he seemed to be the leader. I could not believe that my Sam would be part of such a thing. At any rate that Paul Lahote seemed to be in less trouble now and Jared Cameron had always been a good boy."

Bella interrupted, "I thought it was a cult," she admitted.

Allison snorted, sounding oddly like Sam. "One of those brain washing things? Yeah. Maybe, but the tribal council liked the new Sam Uley. But I didn't. Not at all."

She gave a heavy sigh. "But he was my son and regardless of what was happening, I could not leave him with even less options. I didn't ask again. I just fed him if he showed up. I let him sleep in the spare room. He had brought some stuff over and it kind of became his room. But that was weird too, he had a whole house. Why did he need a room at my place? So much for my craft room idea."

She looked up and studied Bella. "So who are you, girl?"

"Charlie Swan's daughter." Everyone knew Charlie.

"Ah. And you guys are in it for the long haul?"

"I certainly hope so. I love him."

"You know what this tribal business is I take it?"

She just nodded.

Allison rolled her eyes. "But you can't tell me, either."

"Ask Sam," she suggested. "He might tell you now. Or he can ask for permission to tell you."

"Hmmm. Okay. I'll do that."

"Thank you for being so honest with me," Bella said. She liked Sam's mum, she had never met someone quite so refreshingly abrupt. She would have seen through Emily in an instant, no wonder she wasn't welcome in the house.

By the time Sam got back with coffee and milk, they were firm friends.

She left Sam talking to his mother. She went and had a shower and found some of his clothes to put on. He held his arm out for her and she tucked herself in against him.

"I've asked Bella to move in with me," he told her. "Just need to talk to Charlie."

Allison snorted again. "Good luck with that," she said.

"I'm eighteen, he can't stop me," argued Bella. And then she frowned because she still hadn't actually agreed to this, in her mind. She poked Sam. "Sneaky thing," she chided.

FF_2154210_ - 25/10/2011 02:59:00 AM


	36. I would keep myself

**36. I would keep myself**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p>Sam's Momma headed off to visit some other friends. He insisted on going to see Charlie immediately and Bella needed some clothes, he argued. He had collected her truck when he got the coffee and milk, so it was parked at his house. She drove and he looked out the window. He looked relaxed and comfortable; his knee folded up on the seat. He was actually wearing a shirt and had found a pair of shoes somewhere.<p>

She kept glancing at him in amazement.

"What?" he asked.

"You're happy," she stated.

He smiled at her. "Yes, yes I am." He stopped for a minute as if he was thinking about what he wanted to say. "I've got… hope, now. I am thinking about my future… about _our_ future. I've got plans and ideas and … dreams," he confessed.

There was a silence for a few minutes. "Haven't had any of that for a long time."

She smiled.

"And you are part of those plans," he added. "And you are coming back with me."

"You sure? It's kind of sudden; no time for you to be on your own. In _your_ house."

"I know what I want," he almost growled.

She just raised an eyebrow.

She thought about how much he had dealt with in the last eighteen months. He had phased alone, spent two weeks in the forest and then come back. He had been forced into an unsuitable relationship; he had hurt the woman he did love. But he hadn't complained. He had just endured. He was a stoic. He had just dealt with the cards life had dealt him, with patience and endurance during periods of adversity.

He had carefully ushered each new wolf through their first phase. He had straightened out Paul; the rez delinquent. He had watched and worried about Embry, Jake and Quil; even if they hadn't recognised his presence as vigilance at the time. He had been supportive and thoughtful when the Clearwaters had phased at the worst possible time. He had guided the pack through battles against the undead. He had made good decisions, even if the pack boys whined about him being heavy handed with the alpha orders. He had done more patrols than anyone else. He had never asked them to do anything he wasn't willing to do himself.

And the whole time he had known that this position was only temporary. He was just holding the throne for Jake. And he had still done the best he possibly could for his pack and his people.

He had also found the time and the conscience, to care about a desperate, heartbroken girl. He had shepherded her through her re-emergence, just as skilfully as he looked after his new pack members. He had stopped her throwing herself from a cliff. He had saved her from a vampire.

And he had healed her heart, by giving her his. As if it replaced the one that Edward had torn out and taken with him when he left.

And he was only twenty. What on earth could he achieve, if he really put his mind to it?

And he was hers. It just blew her away. She loved him and he was **hers**.

He wouldn't let her be there when he spoke to Charlie. She gave up arguing and went upstairs to pack. She tried to listen in, at the top of the stairs, but he told her to go back into her room and shut the door. There was a silence. "Please Bells," Sam called.

"Fine!" she huffed loudly. She had tried slamming the door and staying at the top of the stairs to listen in, but he had known she was there, of course.

By the time she came down the stairs with her bag packed, she fully expected to have to fight Charlie. She was astounded to see him and Sam shaking hands.

"…and think about the deputy job, Sam. I mean, I know you have a lot on your plate right now but you'd make a great deputy. Just promise me you'll think about it."

Charlie looked over his daughter with the eye of a father who knows his daughter has finally grown up.

"Sam says he will send some guys over with your truck to collect any bigger pieces you want from your room."

"I put all my school books on the desk; they just need to go in a box as well."

Charlie gave a kind of embarrassed throat clear. "I hear you don't have much furniture… if there was anything you wanted, you could take it. Or anything from the garage." He shrugged. Clearly the rez gossip had spread to Forks.

"Can I take my bed?" she asked him and he nodded.

Sam took her suitcase out of her hand and excused himself. She thrust her hands into her pockets and said, "So…" she stopped. She had no idea how to have this conversation.

"You're going to live with him."

"Yes." She nodded.

"You're eighteen and I can't stop you, if that's what you wanted. He's a good man. I've always liked Sam Uley. But it is kind of **sudden**," he suggested.

"I've liked him… since that night… when he found me."

"Ah," said Charlie.

"I only realised recently. After Paul and I broke up. He doesn't have a lot of money, not like…" she shrugged. She didn't need to say the name.

"Money isn't everything. But he has a good heart and a good head. That's a fine combination. You'll be all right."

She blinked. She didn't want to cry. "I-I'll just be at La Push," she mumbled. "You're out there all the time…"

"True, and now I'll have somewhere else to make myself a nuisance at." Charlie chuckled. And then he frowned suddenly. "Did she take the TV?" he asked.

"I-I don't think Sam ever had one… but we could put it on the wish list."

"Humph. No television…" he mumbled.

"You know I will feed you whenever you need it," she suggested.

Charlie guffawed. "If you just added 'and do your laundry' … you'd have the speech most parents give their kid when **they** move out."

She smiled at him, then impulsively flung her arms around him and hugged him. "I love you, dad."

"Love you too, kiddo. Now you let Sam look after you."

"Sure, sure Dad."

"Sam says he'll make sure you study for your final exams. And I expect to escort you to The Lodge for a graduation dinner. Both of you, of course. Now you have taken it pretty easy recently, but now you need to get a job and think about some other study. Get your future together, young lady," he chided.

"Absolutely, Dad. Things to do," she said. It struck her that Sam had said that he had hope now, but so did she. She hadn't been planning for her future for a long time. She had just been existing; as much as Sam had been.

"I'll have my phone if you need to contact me," she told Charlie. "And the phone is on at the house too."

He put his arm around her shoulders and walked her to the truck. She blinked the tears away rapidly.

"You drove out, let me drive back," Sam suggested as he lifted the truck keys out her hand. He could probably smell her tears.

She let him. After a safe distance, she lay down on the bench seat and put her cheek on Sam's thigh. She felt his big hand on the top of her head and she cried. His hand didn't move but just the weight of it was a comfort.

When she had finished she wiped her face on the back of her hand and sat up again.

He just watched her. He didn't ask, but she knew what he would be worried about; her.

"I'm okay," she assured him. "Just… emotional."

"Right."

"He told me to let you look after me," she said.

"I heard."

"Like I'm a runt or something," she grizzled.

"Shadow thought you were the runt of your litter," he said with a smile.

"He did not!"

"That was his argument for why we had to look after you. I told him there was only one in your litter. He thought you were too little to look after yourself."

"I look after myself just fine," she blustered. "Although you and Shadow did a great job of looking after me too," she conceded. She had to give them that.

"Thanks."

"Humph." She looked out the window for a while.

"Runts survive," she said. "Wilbur was a runt."

"Charlotte's Web Wilbur?"

"Yeah… and Babe. He was a runt."

She thought a little more. "And Clifford the big red Dog. And look how big he got."

Sam just chuckled. "Sure, sure. All _fictional_ runts."

"Pfft," she said. "Behave yourself or I won't give you a blowjob while you're driving."

"Jesus!" he nearly swerved off the road. And he actually sat up straighter in his seat. He glanced at her. "You serious?"

She just nodded. "Watch the road, Sam."

He squirmed in his seat. She lay back down on the seat and slid her hand up the inside of his thigh and inside the leg of his shorts and grasped him firmly. She had noticed earlier that he had put on nice shorts instead of his usual ragged leg cut offs; for Charlie, she assumed. They were a little baggier around the thighs.

"Commando… nice."

"Fuck, Bells," he groaned.

"The road, Sam."

"Sure, sure."

She carefully undid his shorts and pulled him out. She hadn't tried this before, but she knew what she was doing. And she got the impression that if all Emily did was missionary, then she probably didn't do anything else either. Not that she would ask him; she didn't want to remind him of her.

He was already hard and twitching. "Keep an eye out for Deputy Steve," she told him. And then she wrapped her lips around him. He jumped in his seat. She sank down onto him as far as she could.

"Oh fuck… oh fuck…"

She kept her tongue flat and swirled it around the underside of his cock.

"Oh Jesus, I can't…"

She heard the engine note of the truck change and then she heard gravel under the tires. He had pulled off to the side of the road. She lifted her head off him. He looked desperate. He slid across a little closer to her and gave her more room. She didn't have to battle the steering wheel now. She slid gratefully to her knees on the floor of the truck and bent over him again. He let his knees fall open, to give her room.

She licked over the weeping head. She felt his hand on her head again. So heavy and so warm. She closed her eyes and sucked him into her mouth. She kept her lips as tight as she could and pulled her head back; compressing his length.

"Fuuuck."

He was really leaking now; too excited. And he was rocking a little. She tongued under the glans on the head; pushing her tongue against the notch.

"Soon," he warned her.

She gave him a tongue swirl around the head and then she sank down onto him and sucked hard.

"Oh yes…" he groaned.

She blew out around him and then sucked again and she felt the first jet hit the back of her throat. She concentrated on just swallowing. His hand pushed her head down now. Another spurt. Another swallow. He let out a long guttural groan and she gave him a final suck before she lifted her head. He released her as he felt her push against his hand, and she let him slide out of her mouth. She looked up at him.

"Oh, Bells."

"I owed you," she said.

"Really? You mean every time… you'll pay me back?" he sounded astonished.

"Of course."

"C'mere."

She scrambled off the floor and into his lap. He kissed her. And wrapped his arms around her. He hugged her in against him almost hard enough to hurt.

"We need to get home, Sam."

"Home… yeah… home."

He kissed her again and then let her go. Then he lifted his hips and redid his trousers; tucking himself away.

888888888

The pack boys brought her bed over with much joking and ribbing of Paul because they swore the mattress smelled like him. Charlie had thrown in her wardrobe as well as a spare couch she was sure she had never seen before.

Sam was an early riser and he made sure she was up and fed before school.

They had sex in every room.

Over the next few days, people kept showing up at the house and leaving stuff. An extra bookcase, a kitchen chair, a side table, a chest of drawers, a few mismatched plates or glasses. There was always a garbled explanation of how they didn't need it and how Sam had helped them some time past and they had never really said 'thanks'.

Bella was astounded and not, at the same time. She was unsurprised that Sam had quietly helped people; that didn't surprise her at all.

She thanked them profusely, swore to each that she would find a use for the item. And she did. They had the most mismatched house of furniture she had ever seen, but it somehow worked. It wasn't perfect, but it was _real_ and that made it so much better in her eyes.

They repainted the walls a sunny yellow colour. Sam held her on his shoulders to reach a high part. She dripped paint on him and then they got more paint on each other and had to shower and then the brushes dried out while they were distracted.

She painted all the mismatched wooden chairs in glossy shiny paint; a nice bright orange.

They played music and danced in their new painted house; well, Sam carried her and he danced and she just went along for the ride. She had missed music. She hadn't realised just how much.

FF_2154210_ - 26/10/2011 03:50:00 AM


	37. I would find a way

**37. I would find a way.**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

><p><strong>[AN: these are little glimpses into the Sam Bella future…]<strong>

Sam moved the rug one day just to see what Bella would do.

She came into the house with a bag of groceries in her hand. She looked at the rug in its new position looked at him and lifted her finger to point at him. "You can cut that shit out right now, Samuel Uley."

He tried to look innocent and failed. This tiny girl told him off more effectively than anyone else could.

"I am not **her**," Bella continued. "You don't have to keep giving me little tests. Do what you like with the dam rug… throw it in the trash for all I care…" she grumbled, as she started to put away the groceries.

He snuck in behind her and took the box of cereal out of her hand; placing it on the bench. He tucked himself into her back and he kissed her on the side of the neck.

"Sorry," he apologised in a voice so quiet she could barely hear it.

She sighed heavily. "When will you get it into your thick head that I am not going to leave you?" She tried to turn to face him. He lifted her to sit on the counter so that their faces were more level. "I'm not going to leave you… I'm not going to give you little tests or command you… I won't do it Sam… you have to trust me…"

"Sorry Bells." A little louder.

She put her arms around his wide shoulders and hugged him. "And I am not going to deny you sex… what kind of fucking idiot would I be to do that?"

"You like sex."

"Yes, you can thank Paul for that."

Sam growled. Bella hit him.

"And none of that jealousy crap either. You made me go out with him…"

"You didn't have to have sex with him," Sam blustered.

"Have you **seen** Paul? And he keeps asking… I am forming a theory that **is** his technique with women. He just keeps asking until you finally say 'okay, I'll sleep with you. As long as you go away afterwards!'"

Sam actually laughed at that.

"Now just stop it…" she crooned at him.

He sighed again.

"Help me put away the rest of the groceries … and then we'll see…" she suggested, opening her legs and wrapping them around his waist.

"See what?"

"How much I like sex."

Sam leered at her. "Okay. Not now?" He pressed himself against her hopefully.

"No. Later. My ice-cream is melting."

"Mine too baby," he rumbled at her.

She laughed.

88888

"Okay Bells how did you do it?" Paul asked.

"Do what?" she asked Paul.

"Made Sam funny."

"He **is** funny."

Paul gave her a look.

"He is. He's got a brain and a fine sense of wit and irony."

"Uh huh. Wit and irony," Paul repeated.

"Oh shut up."

"He's happy," stated Embry, chomping on an apple. "Look at him."

The three of them looked at Sam on the other side of the yard. He and Jake were laughing about something. He did look happy. He noticed her scrutiny and he beamed at her.

"See," said Embry. "Happy. You just didn't know what happy Sam looked like before."

8888888888

Bella was carrying out some salads to the long trestle table set up in the back yard.

"Bells, we need confirmation…" Quil called to her.

"Confirmation of what?" she asked doubtfully.

"Sam's sleeping arrangements," Quil stated.

"What?"

"Come on… we don't bite," Embry encouraged.

She looked at Quil, Embry and Paul and decided that the only way she was going to sort this out was to man up and find out what they wanted. She approached them dusting her hands on her apron. "Make it snappy… I have things to do. Like dessert."

"Oh, okay… does Sam sleep with his dick tucked between your thighs?" asked Quil baldly.

"Fucking pack mind," Bella swore. She sighed heavily. "Yes, yes he does… can I go now?"

"Really?" asked Embry.

"Yes!"

"'Cause he let it slip…" Embry started to explain. Paul had his hand over his mouth as if he was holding in his laughter.

Bella interrupted. She gave Embry the hand. "Don't care, Embry… things to do…" she started to walk away from the trio.

"But why?" Quil asked.

Bella sighed again and turned back to them. "Look," she said, "If his dick is there, then I know Sam is there… okay?"

"Oh," Quil frowned. "Okay. That makes sense. I mean he's not going to go anywhere without his dick, is he?"

"You owe me five bucks," said Paul.

"Fucking pack mind…" Bella swore as she went back to the kitchen.

"Ten bucks… she said the 'f' word, twice," she heard Paul say as she stomped away.

Sam found her in the kitchen throwing around baking trays. "Do I want to know?" he asked carefully.

"Fucking pack mind… no, no you don't want to know…"

"Okay," he backed away slowly. "Who should I talk to?"

"No one… it's just _them_…"

"I'm going to guess… Jake… Quil…" He paused long enough between names to gauge her response. She must have given him some physical reaction. It was like living with a human lie detector.

"Quil!" Sam roared.

"Sam?" a little worried voice answered from the yard.

"Kitchen!"

Quil came into the house looking nervous. Bella kept washing up.

"She won't tell me it was you, but I can guess. What did you do to upset my woman?"

"Nothing…"

Sam glared at him. He jigged his head at Bella still throwing around baking dishes. "Upset… Quil… clearly upset."

"I just asked ... If it was true… that …" he stopped.

"Spit it out Quil…"

"You sleep with your dick between her legs… well thighs, I suppose."

Sam looked genuinely flummoxed by that statement. He spluttered, "W-what the?"

"See," said Bella. "Fucking pack mind."

Sam hung onto the edge of the kitchen counter with both hands and with his arms held straight out. His head dropped down so that his chin almost touched his chest. His hair hung across his face. The counter creaked ominously under the pressure of his fingers. "Get out," he growled at Quil who took one look at him and ran.

There was silence while Sam got himself under control. Bella knew better than to go near him when he was like this. She kept washing up.

"I'm sorry…" he finally managed. He shook his head. "I could stop doing it… if you wanted."

"Heck no. I love it." She squeezed herself under his arms so that she faced him. "Can you let go of the counter Sam?" She rubbed her hands up and down his arms and pushed her hair into his face. He loved her hair.

He lifted his fingers slowly. They looked white from the pressure.

She comforted him. "I know we have to live with the pack mind, but I will be damned if I will change anything that I like doing, just in case they find out…" Her voice dropped to a tiny whisper; meant just for Sam. "I love sleeping with your cock right there… I know you're there… I feel special and… trusted almost… like I'm guarding it for you… that's how I feel… and I love the way you hold me so tightly… as if you think I might disappear in the night… and I **love** it in the mornings when … you're good to go and we're already halfway there… and its so hot…"

Sam made a noise. It sounded like a groan. "Bells…" he moaned. He finally let go completely of the counter and he grabbed her. He hoisted her up against him and fastened their mouths together. He started walking for their bedroom still kissing her hungrily; his hands holding her under her thighs.

"The sausages…" she protested.

"They can turn their own damn sausages… I'm going to fuck my woman." He walked in their bedroom and kicked the door shut behind them.

888888888888888

Weeks later, Sam was lying on his back in the middle of his own yard. Watching the clouds roll by and keeping his mind delightfully blank. A face peered down at him. He grinned at her.

"Bells."

"Sam." She frowned a little. "What are you doing?"

"Watching the clouds go by."

"Uh huh."

"Want to join me?"

She lay down on the grass next to him and looked up at the sky.

"This is Claire's favourite game," he commented. "Funny kid. She lay in the yard with Quil and me that first day she came over… when Quil imprinted on her. And she insists on doing it every time she comes over. They just left. And I stayed," he tried to shrug but it was hard when he was lying down.

"What other games does Claire like playing?" Bella asked.

"Come over here and I'll show you."

He held his arms out to her.

"Where do I go?"

"Lie here on top of me… you know how to do that, honey," he growled at her, the innuendo clear.

She laughed.

"Now keep your back straight; you'll have to lift your arms and you can fly…" he grabbed her around the hips with his big hands splayed out across her pelvis and he lifted her straight up into the air above him. She let out a whoop of surprise and then she got the idea. She held her arms up and out to the sides like a plane. He laughed with her at the joyful look on her face. After a few seconds or so she collected herself. "Put me down before you hurt something," she begged.

He lowered her onto his body obligingly. "I think I like you better down here … and anyway, what would I hurt? I can probably bench press a small car."

She didn't answer him. She had her face buried in his chest.

He tried to look at her face but he couldn't pull his head back enough. "Bella?" he asked. And then very quietly, he asked it again. "What would I hurt?"

"Our baby," she whispered. She knew he could hear her.

He didn't say anything. He just wrapped his long arms around her and hugged her in against him. They lay there for the longest time. Silently. She listened to the strong steady beating of his heart and wondered when, with his exceptional hearing, he would be able to hear the tiny heartbeat fluttering inside her. If it even had a heart right now. It was probably just a blob of cells at the minute.

"Sam?" she whispered when the silence got too much for her. She wriggled a little and his arms loosened enough for her to slide up his body a little. Closer to his face. "Are you crying?" she asked. Her hands on his cheeks.

He just nodded.

"Oh honey." She flung her arms around his head and hugged him as hard as she could.

"I'm so happy," he managed to say. "That first time I was out here with Claire… I prayed Bells… I wanted **our** babies… not hers…"

She had forgotten about the fake pregnancy. She hadn't even shown him a test or anything; he just believed her.

He pressed his face into that spot behind her ear and sniffed hard. "Oh ….yes," he said in a low voice.

"Oh Sam." Her voice caught as if she was going to cry too. "Can you blame the gods? All because my life is such a mess, I lose track of when my Depo shot should be…" she laughed.

"So science is to blame then," he agreed.

"Or you," she suggested archly.

He raised an eyebrow.

"Because you can't keep your damn hands off me…"

"Right! It's not my **hands** you have to worry about, girl," he growled at her.

She squealed as he rolled them over quickly and hoisted her off the grass and into his arms. He ran for the back door as she laughed and clung to his neck.

* * *

><p>THE END<p>

* * *

><p><strong>[AN: this is where I am going to leave our happy couple. They will be very happy from here on; probably have a small pack of kids and live to a remarkable age.<strong>

**And there will be no more imprinting for Sam.**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing to those who bothered to do so. Reviews are the only thanks us poor writers get, you know. Even if it is just a smiley face, I'm happy to get it. Fanfic, rightly or wrongly, is judged by the number of reviews a story has. And I do love reading your comments. The number of ways you all wanted to kill Emily was highly amusing and slightly worrying… have to say.**

**Emily? I assume she will go on with her life, but never be truly happy. Karma should make sure of that, don't you think? She will regret her behaviour and her lost opportunities.**

**Oddly, for me… I do not have another story ready to go. I am writing a threesome on the go for JBNP. Quil/Bella/Embry full slash. I've never tried writing slash before. If it finishes up okay, I may consider posting it on fanfic. But I will see. It's called 'Best friends share… everything.'**

**Oh, just in case you didn't notice. The chapter titles (except the first one) are the lyrics of the song 'Hurt' written by Trent Reznor of the Nine inch Nails. The Johnny Cash cover is awesome and eerily appropriate given the issues he had in his own life:**

youtube(dot)com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go

**Or if you prefer the original (a live performance because an entire crowd singing along gives me the shivers):**

youtube(dot)com/watch?v=AvJKVKglIRs&ob=av2n

**OH and if you prefer to read this story in French, check Saw-v-1 on fanfic. It comes up as 'Wounded' in my google translator... lol **

**I have to work on some of my original stuff for a while, but I assume I'll be back, when the muse strikes. Until then, loyal readers… keep reading and reviewing!]**

FF_2154210_ - 27/10/2011 03:30:00 AM


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